Defiant 17 year old

[Teah34]

My 17 year old is really testing the boundaries she comes and goes as she wants her curfew is 10.30,in the week 12 at weekends all I ask in return is that she keeps her bedroom tidy and does a few jobs round the house she chooses to ignore those and just does what she wants . Yesterday we had a chat and she said she would try harder today she gets up and walked out saying she was going to have her nails done , I feel as though she is just challenging us with everything she works hard and is a perfect student but I’m at the end of my tether , Do I ignore the bedroom and chores and let her just get on with her life or do I stick to my guns Although not sure at 17 how to discipline any advice welcome !

There is another thread with good advice teens affecting your mh
If she working hard at school work getting good grades and not getting into any trouble when out its probably best to leave her its her room maybe tell her if you dont tidy ill be in to do it with you sometimes spurs mine on to do her own so she doesnt have to put up with me giving out about the mess. Tell her if she cleans up she can have an extra half hour onto curfew. If she doesnt obey curfew dont let her out the next night.

Where does she get money for nails?

I didn't have a curfew once DD was 17 nearly an adult as long as she let me know, generally she only goes out at the weekend though.

I have to say I don’t have any issues with my DS so far (also 17). He has never had a curfew though-don’t know if that has helped?!

I figured that as long as I know where he is, that’s fine. He texts if he’s going to be late or is staying with friends. He rarely goes out mid week anyway but is home later than that some Saturday nights (not Fridays as he works Saturdays)-he’s good around the house and does things I ask. Bedroom could be tidier but if I say something, he’ll sort it.

Where does she get the money from to get her nails done? What are her grades like at school?

@wishingforapositiveyear snap

Ach. I have sometimes defiant 16 and 14 yr.olds. Who won't do their chores some days and argue everything little request for fairness even though their arguements can be wildly flawed and not in spirit of being team players. Constant negotiation wears me down.
But meh, teens... it's my fault for raising them to think for themselves 😆 🤐 ... Some days I wish I could turn off the WiFi to get their attention and not have them gang up on me and turn it back on!! (Before I get slated, they're pretty good DCs who others think are a credit) (if only they heard their cheek sometimes!)

She has a job so she is earning her own money and pays for most of her own things ..... she’s not a bad kid just doesn’t like being told what to do !

I think, if she’s responsible enough to have a job and earn her own money, she can probably be trusted without a curfew.

Is she leaving at 18 to go to university? Giving her the freedom to self-regulate her social life at 17-under your watchful (though not disapproving) eye-is a good idea, rather than getting to 18, moving away and suddenly not having set times to come home!

She’s 18 in September but has another 12 months of a levels before she goes ...... maybe I just need to let go of the reigns and let her find her own way !

Personally, I wouldn't "ignore" the bedroom and chores. Its tiresome doing it sometimes, but the alternative is what - that you should do them all instead? Has she done them in the past?

If she has her own money, tell her if she doesn't want to do the chores you've set she can pay for a weekly cleaner

I think a curfew at 17 is a bit odd to be honest. As long as you have an idea of where she is why does she need to be home at those set times? What about parties at weekends? 12am seems very early for that!

They aren't 'reigns', that's what monarchs have.
They are 'reins', as used for horses and toddlers. She doesn't need that sort of control. You'd be right to let go of them. She sounds great.

I'm not sure you can discipline at 17. I gave up on that kind of thing from about 16, tbh maybe earlier.

Your best leverage points are money, chaffeuring, and other types of support (such as making them meals, homework help, offering to help with anything else they want to do, **being there to listen, giving your approval - or not).

**Listening is so important. They want sounding boards. They want to make good decisions so need someone to counter-argue in favour of other choices. These are terrific leverage opportunities even if the teen declines your advice on a specific decision, they may remember those of lines of logic for next time.

Basically amenable to live with, earning & high achieving at school: many would love to have kids to do all those. Your choice if it's worth risk of upsetting the apple cart to fuss about chores & curfew.

What is the point of curfew: her safety or not disturbing your sleep? Give her a reason to believe she should keep to curfew. Muster your persuasive powers; would you curfew a 19yo lodger for same reasons?

What is point of chores: to make house nicer for all? Then put that argument to her, and why does she think everyone shouldn't pull their weight & contribute. Ask her if she would like a different set of chores (same as you would negotiate with a housemate in a student house). This isn't giving in to her; it's preparing her for the next stage after she moves out on her own, when she'll likely need to use the same negotiation skills.