Help needed on daughters unhealthy relationship

[Ka2000]

My daughter is 17 and her boyfriend is 19. They have been together for over a year, on and off. He used to stay here but there were often issues and dramas. He attempted to strangle himself in front of my daughter when she said that she was ending the relationship. I told him that he needed help and that doing what he did was emotional abuse and controlling behaviour. They got back together after a while and I met with him, with my daughter to discuss my concerns etc and spoke about how unhealthy their relationship was etc. They were determined however to stay together. A few weeks after this my daughter then took an overdose, is now under CAMHS and has had her first counselling session. Her boyfriend was supportive and he started to come around again, although my partner wasn't happy, he went along with it. Then the boyfriend then started messaging other girls and they split up again. This time he jumped in front of a lorry in front of my daughter and said some horrible things. I phoned the police. Now they are back together again and because we were so angry with him, we said we did not want him near the house. This is where another problem arises. They spent three nights sleeping in his car. My main priority is my daughter's safety, therefore I need her at home. I spoke with her CAMHS worker and she has said that it is a co dependent relationship. She suggested a meeting with all the parents to see if we can maybe come to agreement and share where they stay. I tried this but was unsuccessful with his parents and she is not talking to her Dad. I am thinking of suggesting to my daughter and her boyfriend that they stay here an agreed number of nights, if they agree to spend the rest of the time in their own homes. My partner, will not be happy at all about this suggestion as he was adamant the boyfriend would never step foot in the house again, but I really don't know what else to do!

I do not have any advice but didn't want to read and run. I am hoping someone who can help sees this and can offer some words of wisdom. x

Sympathies. My cousin had this type of thing with her eldest DS; recurring crises with his partner, causing her DS to descend into own parallel MH issues.

What happens when you ask your DD why she stays with a guy who is so unhealthy for her? What is her reasoning why should she have this guy in her life. Sounds like he creates crises & drags her into them. They aren't good for each other.

She deserves better. That would be my top message. It's her choice who she's with but your concern arises because you want her to know she deserves a great partner and she's not acting like she believes that. He needs someone who is super calm no matter what & never magnifies his crisis. Then he can learn how to get out of cycle of escalation & controlling his love interest by using crises.

There are lots of fish in the sea and NO, Love Does Not Conquer All. Only Hollywood movies believe that shit.

I'm sorry it must be awful. My DD was in a very similar relationship which involved suicide threats and violence. DD was with him over 3 years much against our wishes. Trying to stop it just drove then further together. They didn't care about anything but each other and both made each other very volatile. The effect on our family was huge. I also got regular aggressive contact from his dad. Anyway in the end I tried to ignore it and eventually she grew tired of him and dumped him. Not giving attention over it nor letting it wind us up seemed to be what helped. She had to realise for herself he wasnt good for her. She also used to get lots of attention about it and this stopped.
I would be there for DD and remain polite but distanced from her BF. But back off as hard as it is.

We had this exact same problem with my DS now 20 yrs and his girlfriend who was a year younger from 2014 until finally they split up for good in 2018. She left a wave of destruction in our family for which I will never forgive her for MH issues or not.She also did the suicide attempts, self harming , alternating from bulimia to anorexia ,non stop drama.The onset was insidious and I at first thought it was just a bit of drama on their part but it ended in her being threatening to me , my younger Ds and my husband.She tried always to undermine our authority as parents and destroy our happy family of which she was jealous. In the end I barred her from entering our house or using my car.She went ballistic and tried every time to gain access to our home while I was at work /out.my DH travels a lot so very often there was only me there to confront her.She even locked my younger son out on numerous occasions.In the end we got a barring order and I reported her to social services as she was now physically and mentally abusing my son. It all came to a head one afternoon my own son flipped the lid and hit me because I would not give him the car to drive her where she wanted to go.He hit me. I called the police who came to the house and filed an assault charge against him.
We threw him out and he went to stay with her in her parents home These parents who also refused to see that their daughter needed help who let their daughter , my DS and all of our family suffer for four years He was not allowed to stay in their home and he eventually came home We gave him no more money , no car , no privileges , took his house key off him and arranged private sessions with a counsellor.
My DS eventually did see the light and when he found out that she had been sleeping around behind his back all through their relationship he finally split up with her.He was a shell of the boy he once was and the events I have recounted are only the a condensed version of all that really happened.He went through much more and according to his psychologist is suffering from PTSD.She has Borderline Personality Disorder
My advice would be not to facilitate this relationship at all .It will not end if you do.I would not throw her out but just do not make it easy for them to be together .Once he moves in he will undermine all authority you have as a parent.The girlfriend staying overnight was the one thing I never allowed as she was too young when they got together and after about six months I could see that all was not well with her.It was the only thing that saved us as a family in the end.There is not much you can do to stop them being together though.That is the hard part.It may probably have to escalate before it ends as it did in our case but do not give him any more power than he already has.

P.S We live in Germany so things do legally operate a little differently here from a legal stand point but once children become of legal age ie. over the age of 18 there is very little you can do. You have one year left to intervene in whatever way you can .So sorry you are going through this .I hope it all works out.

No. I know you are thinking of your daughters safety but she isn't living on the street. The discomfort of having to stay in his car from time to time might actually help her break away. Probably not. But you certainly cannot enable them to stay together by making it easy.

Her boyfriend sounds like he is a borderline personality disorder case (or something of the like). I would suggest getting her some pamflets or when she is home, sitting her down to youtube chanel videos about similar situation. Eg: there is a youtuber called melanie tonia evans who vlogs on narcissistic personality disorder (which is another possibility). Reading about the facts of cluster b disorders and hearing personal stories from people who have been in relationships with these sort of people, may help her to realise wtf is going on. And that there is no 'good' and 'bad' side to her partner, only the good and the mask.

Your husband is right, don't let him in your house. I'm not saying to ban the relationship, only that 'we don't want anything to do with him'. And educating her on cluster b disorders so that she can see what is going on. Tell her that anyone is capable of being drawn in by these sort and it isn't her fault, it doesn't make her weak or stupid and you are always there for her and proud of her and that will be the same when she finds the strength to walk away.

What an awful situation OP. It sounds like the boyfriend is being kicked out of home. I would be more inclined to go down the route of reporting her missing to the Police so they can find her and check her welfare.

To your DD, if you come from a stable loving home it's easy to think you can be the stable person for someone. The reality is that no one can be strong all the time for someone else. No one change or improve a person, they have to get help for themselves. Sometimes the kindest thing to do if you love someone is to let them go.