DD 16 GCSE’s Personality Change

[Michelle5234]

Until the recent (last 6 weeks) addition of a boyfriend my DD and I were best friends. Now she’s uncommunicative, sarcastic, passive aggressive and totally unmotivated to do revision for her GCSE’s this May/June - she now refers to me as ‘the enemy’. She has been meeting her boyfriend secretly (don’t know why as we wouldn’t mind) and recently asked him round to ours for the first time and had sex with him in our kitchen with us just steps away in the next room - my husband discovered them (they must have wanted to be discovered?) - we were both pretty shocked as this is not the kind of risk-taking we have seen from her before. We strongly advised her not to discuss this with anyone to protect her ‘reputation’ - I realise this may come over as Victorian but truthfully I am ashamed of her behaviour. We’ve set up counselling for her and CBT so she has someone to talk to about it. She talks to the boyfriend of course ( he has depression and anorexia in his mental health history - currently on anti-depressants). Since this event she says she’s anxious and worried she’ll disappoint re GCSE’s (me, Dad, teachers etc.) and re risky behaviour (me, Dad) and hears voices in her head telling her this and so needs to speak to her friends & boyfriend as I don’t understand her. I’ve heard her talking very intimately about sex with friends since then. Can’t help feeling the anxiety wouldn’t be there if she hadn’t been ‘caught’. We’ve all (us, her, boyfriend and his mum) agreed both of them should not see each other until exams are over ( he’s doing GCSE’s too) but phone contact is practically all the time. In order for her to get some work done, I have now restricted phone use to 30 mins am and teatime and 2 hrs in the evening - which she agrees is fair. I’m pretty befuddled about all this - I’m a bit lost as our relationship has completely changed. I really don’t want her to blow her exams but I think they’re pretty blown already. I have and continue to be manipulated and lied to. I try to talk to her but she tells me to leave. But I’m the adult and I need to provide a safe environment for her so she doesn’t slide into depression and/or end up hating us both. I would so appreciate the wisdom of others on this. Have I got this all wrong?

As a teenager who is doing there exams, I think that it would be good if you really tried to have a personal conversation with her about all of this. I understand the phone restriction and think it isn't a bad idea because she can get some work done. I know the exams are getting close but she still has time to turn things around, just show her your support and make sure she has a plan for her revision. She will probably do better than you think in the exams as long as she is working away at revision. I know what it is like to have boyfriend issues during this time but it is so important that she does get some work done. I have suffered with mental health issues (depression, anxiety and ocd) and I know that it takes a toll on me so I may be correct in thinking that it is probably stressing your daughter out as well as she may feel as though she is responsible in making him feel better. I think you need to say to her that she should be supportive of him and how he is feeling but please please please make sure that you stress that none of the issues he has is to do with her because that will just put more pressure on her during this time of stress. As for the sex in the kitchen I think that she was probably thinking it was the right thing to do in that moment and felt like experimenting but I would suggest that she keeps it private and to themselves, I would show respect for her decisions and I'm sure she knows that it is wrong what she has done. Just try not to dwell on the situation and show support to her and her boyfriend. I would say the more you have an issue with it the more she will want to cause trouble and get your attention, so give her attention in a different way and offer to sit with her while she is revising or go out on regular walk with her. I can understand why you are appalled at her behaviour and I'm sure she is as well. So just try to move on with things. Keep reminding her that she will have a long summer holiday afterwards and she can see her boyfriend then. I hope this has helped. X

Thank you rosesxo - you are very kind and I so appreciate your response. I didn’t realise teenagers looked at this - it’s so helpful to get your perspective.

She has a comprehensive revision schedule so the plan is there.

Re the mental health issues - I think she is mirroring his anxiety - she does love a drama. I think he’s being very supportive but she is crying down the phone at him complaining about how unfair and unsympathetic I am. You’ve said I should respect her decisions but she’s making some pretty poor choices at the moment. Right now I’m just trying to be practical and get her focussed on doing some work - I think she feels I am both causing her anxiety and I’m unsupportive of it. I believe she’s feeling stressed and guilty and she wants me to either fix this for her or stay out of her life. Just hoping I’m not causing her long term mental health damage.

Thank you again for taking the time to reply. Really appreciated.

Can you tell your dd if you study in the morning or afternoon she could see her bf then for a couple of hours this is what I do with mine. They do need some social life so I try and comprimise have a bit off full on study bit of fun

@Michelle5234
I don't see an issue with what your doing I think it's good that you are making sure she gets her work done she will thank you in the future. I'm almost certain that she won't suffer issues because of the plans you have put in place x

rosesxo thank you so much for your comments. They’re so helpful because you’re doing exams too and you know what it feels like 🙂 - I hope all is going well for you with your revision and you get great results. You’ve made me feel so much better - it’s amazing how this stuff knocks your confidence as a parent. x

Re mood/personality changes - my daughter has had mood swings since starting her periods at 12 (now 17). She is a lovely girl, but is terribly sassy - mainly towards me. However she has just been put on a hormonal contraceptive for her period problems (heavy bleeding) and her mood has improved drastically. I finally have my girl back :)