Biological father

[YolandaN]

My son soon turns 18. I told him that his dad was not his biological father when he was 4. Since then he’s rarely asked about him but it’s always been up for discussion. I’ve mentioned that I may contact him when he’s 18. The biological father doesn’t know that I had his baby, he insisted I have a termination and I told I had (we live a distance from each other). At the time I felt it safer/better for him to believe I’d had a termination and obviously I’ve never asked him for anything. I couldn’t go through with a termination. I do feel that he should know he has a son but I’m not sure if this is irrational and wonder what others think, should I tell him? I’ve no idea what his circumstances are now, I certainly don’t want to cause problems but just want to tell him that he has a child.

It will most likely cause him problems, yes. Put yourself in his shoes, imagine you'd had no idea you had a son for 18 years. Well done for raising him on your own all this time, but I don't think his father will thank you.

Why safer?

Surely at 18 your ds should decide. Not you.

Why did you feel it was safer to hide your pregnancy? Were you concerned the father might harm you or your child?

It felt best not to tell him as he had made it very clear to me that he did not want the baby. My emotions were all over the place so I kept the pregnancy to myself. My son is fine with his biological father knowing, he has no expectations of him but is curious. My son has grown into such a fine man and looks so much like his biological father. I feel bad for lying to him about having a termination. Maybe I will do more harm than good though?

Yes I think he should know he has a son, I think you should have given him the opportunity to have a relationship with his son from day one, but totally understand your upset at being pressured into a termination and perhaps fear of him rejecting your DS at the time.

I would contact the father first to let him know your reasons for keeping your child as secret. There may be disbelief and rejection from him and better to find that out before your DS makes contact.

18 years flew by so quickly but every day I thought about the situation I was in and putting others in. Maybe it will do more harm than good. What do I hope to get out of this? I guess I want him to be happy that I didn’t get rid of his baby and sort of show him how wrong he was to suggest it, yes maybe this is all about proving a point. I should have told him sooner, I was scared he’d hate me. He put me in an impossible situation and I made the best of it.

Does your DS know his father's name? Is there are chance he might contact his father without his knowledge? If I were you, I would want to try and keep some control of the situation. As to the rest , you were placed in a difficult position and did what you felt was best for your child. The father told you to have an abortion and walked away without checking that you were coping with that decision physically and mentally. You have no need to feel guilt toward the father. It sounds as though you have done a good Job as a parent.

My son knows his biological fathers name but wouldn't try to contact him without checking with me. We don’t have a big social media presence so have never stumbled across him. Thank you everyone for your feedback. I’ve never asked anyone advice about this before. It’s potentially a life changing thing to happen to someone, finding out they have an 18 year old son. I’m not taking it lightly.

In the kindest possible way, what you want isn't really relevant or the priority after all this time. I would support your adult son, but let him call the shots on this and how he wants to approach it, even if that means he contacts his father independently.