Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

Boyfriend always comes here

27 replies

mumtoateenger75 · 15/04/2019 16:08

Hi can anyone advise me
May daughter aged 17 has a boyfriend and he always comes here she never goes to his
He drives a ped so it is probably easier but I just feel he is always here
I offer lifts to his but she always wants to hang out here
I feel it's too much
I avespoke to her about it but she just reacts that it's her home too

OP posts:

mcmen71 · 15/04/2019 20:29

Unless she is annoying you by taking over sitting room or eating lots of food at least if she in your house you know where she is. My dd invited her bf to our house yest for first time but he stopped texting her yest and today she hasnt heard from him she is so upset. She goes to his house alot and there is no problem but he must off changed his mind and was too afraid to say. She msg one off his friends to check if he was ok and he said yes hes out with us so she knows hes ok . They where getting on great sat nite no problems they where out to 11 and text to about 1 so she just doesnt know what went wrong. So please be happy your dd wants to be in her own house.

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 20:31

What’s the problem. You’re not very welcoming. What’s wrong with him?

LynetteScavo · 15/04/2019 20:53

I'm not sure what @mcmen71 is on about, but I think you need to suck it up, OP.

At least you know where she is and what she's doing.

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 15/04/2019 20:57

I think I'm just struggling with them staying over here
I've heard them having sex once and it didnt sit well with me
I felt it was disrespectful
When they have plenty of time alone
I am happy for her to be here with him but I think the time should be equally divided

OP posts:

Whitechocandraspberry · 15/04/2019 21:03

If I was you I would have a quiet word with daughter saying he’s welcome to visit your sex life is your business. Keep it that way. Nobody wants to hear other people having sex. It’s disrespectful

adaline · 16/04/2019 07:33

Maybe there's a very good reason they don't go to his house.

DrDreReturns · 16/04/2019 07:39

Where do you propose they have sex?

Ragwort · 16/04/2019 07:42

Teenagers love lives are difficult, my 18 year old DS does tend to spend more time at his girlfriend’s family than with us, I assumed it was because they had Netflix and we don’t, perhaps I am being naive .

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 16/04/2019 13:39

I would prefer them to be respectful and either have sex when we are out which they have chances like that a lot or they respectfully do it when everyone is asleep

OP posts:

MashedSpud · 16/04/2019 13:45

Maybe make some subtle comments like “The walls are so thin I think I i heard the neighbours having sex, how embarrassing for them.”

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 16/04/2019 15:14

Ha ha no I have actually approached her about it
And she apologised but I've heard them since

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/04/2019 16:11

It is her home but it's still your house. You pay the bills, you make the rules. It would be unfair to never let him stay over but I think once a week would be reasonable imo. Having teens bf or gf in the house changes the dynamic and can be expensive to feed if they are always around. Kids never consider that stuff.

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 16/04/2019 16:42

Exactly Iwannaseehowitends i do want them thinking that he can stay here all the time it's too much
I also have an 11 year old daughter in the room next door and I wouldn't want her to hear it either
I appreciate it's her home too but she does think it's ok to just start cooking something and when I get home what I had planned for tea has been used and I then have to get some more
I just don't feel I can fully relax in my own home having her bf here

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/04/2019 17:43

Then I think you have to tell her no. My ds's both have their gfs here once or twice a week and I am lucky because they are both lovely girls. But I expect my boys to be considerate - I get my kids to ask me before they raid the fridge, although I do buy some things specifically for them, so they have things in the house that their gfs like.
I think that because their gfs don't have particularly welcoming parents, mine are a bit less inclined to take it for granted. But if yours is, then you need to assert yourself a bit and put some boundaries in place
I'd start with one night sleeping over per week and asking before using dinner ingredients. Maybe she should be heading to the shop to get replacement food if she's used what you wanted for the evening meal. Get some things in that they are allowed to use freely and then it's no biggie if she has to ask to use other things.

Ragwort · 16/04/2019 18:04

It does sound as though your DD is taking advantage of your good nature, if my 18 year old DS’s girlfriend comes round for a meal the arrangement would be that we all ate together, no helping themselves to whatever they fancied from the fridge and then sloping off for a shag .

I have no doubt that they probably use our home when DH and I are out at work but I am grateful that they are discrete and courteous.

Iflyaway · 16/04/2019 19:04

She's not even an adult (18).

She's (and he) are taking the piss, helping themselves to whatever they fancy out of the fridge - that you restock, do they ever?

And having sex in your house while your 11-year-old is there. And you.
That's just not on.

I have a 27-year-old. No way I would have condoned this at that age.

I hope her protection against pregnancy and STI's is water-tight.

Sorry OP, don't want to get on your case. I'm LP. But at this age you have to be extra vigilant...
Things that happen at this age can have life-long implications that they do not have the where-withall to oversee.
You do.

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 16/04/2019 19:15

She is on the pill and uses a condom ( seen wrappers )
I know what you mean and I agree but you are under an element of peer pressure when all her friends have their bf stay over all week 😡

OP posts:

IWannaSeeHowItEnds · 16/04/2019 20:30

Those parents are mad. The bf is not your kid so he shouldn't be there all the time.
If your daughter wants to live an adult life, then she needs it pointing out that this comes with responsibilities as well as rights. When she has her own home and pays her own food bills, then her bf can stay all week. But it's not right for her to expect you to bankroll this or put up with having a guest not of your choosing permanently in your house.

Ragwort · 17/04/2019 07:03

Don’t give into ‘peer pressure’ it’s probably not true anyway, I remember years ago another mum checking with me, very politely, as my DS had told her DS that ‘everyone’ had iPhones, of course he didn’t.

And even if ‘everyone’ is allowed to have their bf/gf stay over, it’s up to you as the parent to make the right decision for your own DD. I know that some of my 18 year old DS’s friends are allowed to stay over with GFs but by no means all & DS has never even asked us as he knows our views.

Corrine81 · 17/04/2019 17:29

What peer pressures you in having your bf around all week? I’m sorry , I know she’s 17 but I wouldn’t have have it. The minute you start feeling uncomfortable in your own home is time to put a stop on it. My Dd is 16yrs old had a boyfriend for a year now, and although she’s been underage until now, he hasn’t step foot in my house yet. I am planning on asking him over soon for a meal but he’ll be limited to downstairs only. When my daughter will hear me having sex then she’ll be welcome to return the “ favour”, until then everyone respects everyone in this household.

lordofthefries · 17/04/2019 17:34

Me and DH met when we were young, and he was allowed to sleep over. I was extremely grateful for this, it wasn’t about sex, I just liked spending time with him and going to sleep with him etc. But I knew how lucky I was, I payed for our dinner, snacks etc. TV was kept quiet and after a certain time we were quiet. We didn’t have sex when everyone was home either. Your daughter should be thankful that he’s allowed to sleep over and not abuse that

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 17/04/2019 18:09

Yes
It's very frustrating x
I just feel like they should spend some of the time here and some of the time at his x
That way it is fair
She says she prefers it here
But I do know his mum doesn't leave them alone when they are at his so she prob feels she is left alone when she is here

OP posts:

Ragwort · 18/04/2019 07:39

Stop leaving them alone when he visits then , engage them in dull talk, ask them constantly about their day, go into her room repeatedly to ‘look for something’ etc etc.

Years ago when I first started inviting boy friends home it was made absolutely clear that I would not be ‘entertaining’ them in my bedroom, we had to sit together in the family living room. I respected those rules, perhaps your DD’s parents have the same rules?

Ragwort · 18/04/2019 07:40

DD’s boyfriend’s parents.

Original poster

mumtoateenger75 · 18/04/2019 08:02

The problem is now I have set the bar as it were as now if I start going in her room all the time it would be out of character
They would wonder why I have started doing it

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread