Hi everyone
I have quite a complex situation, so will try to discuss without it being too long.
I have lived with my sister for 8 months. She is 8 years my junior and a young 20 year old. She is still transitioning into an adult and still on the long road to getting her act together and using her own initiative.
We are very close, and have a brilliant relationship between the two of us. I have played a huge "guardian/mother" type role for the past 8-10 years mostly. My parents sort of gave up on parenting so I provided the love, affection, support, encouragement, guidance and safe happy home where she will always be welcome.
As a result our sister relationship is blurred. We are trying to dissolve the mother-daughter relationship, she is trying to be more independent and reject my direction more. yet she needs to be told forcefully to do things or she will leave them - such as getting a second job, cleaning the flat, applying for student help she's entitlement to do, care for our cats, share the household work load etc.
My partner and I have been together 20 months. He is much older than me (50 years old). He has frequently been in her life for 8 months. The beginning was fine, she was polite, friendly, grateful and sweet.
My sister and I moved into a flat together (the first month was sharing my room rent) 7 months ago. Since this, she has been discourteous to him often. She has not politely and respectfully engaged in conversation attempts such as a cheerful hi how are you, has been responded with a disinterested hi. He has shared personal experiences some unfortunate and some fortunate and she has acted like she couldn't care less and wants him to know. She has not been polite, grateful and appreciative of the things he does ; cooks dinner, takes us out for dinner, moved house for us, brought our cats down for us, got us a hoover, TV, view box, weekly shopping with me. He has made effort with all her Christmas and birthday gifts where she has made 0. He has made attempts to guide and support her on her level - mostly she has engaged and opened up to him and sometimes not so much.
I feel its a battle between who is my priority, who has my most attention and both feeling second best.
Both relationships are very important for me. She is firstly my close family and someone I enjoy friendship and doing things with. He is my love who I want a life with. I couldn't do without either.
He picks up on every time she is discourteous and manners are of utmost importance to him. Such as him saying hello when she came home. She may or may not of heard. We all said Hi again, and she said "Hi, Oh your still here".
He informed her about an accident he had and showed his injury to her. Her response was something like "Oh"
This weekend she's been off, when he left I asked her generally if she's grumpy. She laughed and said she feels something is wrong but doesn't know what. I mentioned that she should try and hide her feeling off when we have guests. she shut me down, why should she, why should she change herself, he's not a guest is he.
I don't know how to approach this without demanding our relationship but she's been unnecessarily rude and it upsets him. He is worried that when we move in (saving for a house) that she will make him uncomfortable in his own home and that will not be pretty. I feel I want to shelter him from her and her from him.
What I don't want is when I move in, and have a family that she cannot come around and if she does the atmosphere being unbearable.
How can I approach this with her?
[ To add - He spends 2-3 nights a week in our flat, we try to spend time in my bedroom where possible to give her space. He is currently at his mums who is just as rude and discourteous as my sister and her home is in a disgusting state of disrepair. I hate going there, I occasionally suck it up if he needs me to.]