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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

DS 13 stealing

26 replies

SandraDea · 14/04/2019 11:40

we’ve suspected for a while DS has been stealing from us. We’ve noticed drawers and cupboard doors been left open and he’s been rummaging through.

We set a trap by leaving some money in a drawer in one of the rooms and £30 has been taken.

An expensive bottle of vodka has also been stolen and he didn’t even think to shut the cupboard door!

We confronted him this morning and he has denied everything- we’ve explained that we know he’s lying because he’s the only person that could have possibly taken the money and the vodka.

He’s stormed off in a strop because we ‘don’t believe him’. We are 100% sure he’s lying so not sure how to get him to admit what he’s done then what a suitable punishment should be.

We’ve struggled previously with punishments as he doesn’t respond to consequences or learn from his mistakes. E.g if we ground him he just escapes and goes out anyway. If we take his phone off him he smashes things up and runs away, same if we turn off the WiFi.

We believe he is on the autistic spectrum and we’re currently ‘in the system’. If anyone has any experience of this kind of behaviour I would appreciate your thoughts.

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 11:46

Search his room for the £30. Presumably it's marked or you noted the serial number since you set it as a trap?

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 13:41

It’s not in the house. He’s taken it and spent it

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 13:50

Next time you set a trap make sure you check it and check him. No point leaving a trap and allowing him to take it and leave the house Confused

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:00

The trap was there to prove he’d taken it - not sure how we’re meant to monitor his every move 🤔

The point is what we do now - not what he’s done with the money

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 14:02

The trap was there to prove he’d taken it - not sure how we’re meant to monitor his every move

Except it hasn't done that. And yes, if you lay a trap you obviously need to do it at a time when you can monitor him.

The point is what we do now -

Lay a better trap so you can prove without doubt he took the money. Then punish him accordingly.

not what he’s done with the money

I never mentioned that, although it would be a concern.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:05

Ok 👌

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 14:07

I don't know why you are being snide with the emojis. You asked for advice and I gave you some.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:09

Yes but your advice is about catching him and proving it rather than what to do now which is what I clearly asked advice for in my op.

Why is an ok emoji snide?

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 14:13

You said he was denying it. You said you lie a trap. Your trap proved nothing. You need to give him proof that he did it. Then you punish him. You asked what to do, that is what to do. Give him cold hard evidence. But even if it's not the advice you were looking for, it's ok to say thanks but that not what I'm asking. Most people talk English; not emoji.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:23

So why do you use emoji’s? Or maybe you’re not one of the most people who speak English?

I won’t respond to your other comments as I don’t feel you are understanding what I am saying 😂

Have a great day 👍😜🤔😶☺️

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 14/04/2019 14:31

I agree with Dictionary. All you've got now is an argument about whether he took the money as he's denying taken it.

If you had proof he would not be able to say it wasn't him.

If he has stolen from you I'd:
Take his phone or console and sell it
Help him find a way to earn money EG actual chores like mowing the grass (not just contributing to family life) or getting a paper round or leaflet delivery job.
Keep him busier out of school. Rock climbing, archery, diving etc.

Ineedaweeinpeace · 14/04/2019 14:33

I don’t mean to be alarmist but he’s not in trouble with anyone is he? (Apart from you I mean!)

The fact he escapes to go out and is stealing makes me worry this is a bigger problem. Have you checked his phone?

Have you heard of county lines?

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:39

He’s just admitted it. The proof was that nobody else could have taken it.

He spent it on a take away last night for his mates birthday

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:42

Ineedaweeinpeace

Yes he’s in trouble with the police also

We are aware there is a bigger problem and we are waiting advice and hopefully support from professionals he’s involved with.

Yes I have heard of county lines

OP posts:
aproblemsharedandallthat · 14/04/2019 14:45

I'm ashamed to say this but I did what your son has done. My parents did what you have done too, they confronted me and I denied it. It wasn't as much as £30 but that wasn't the point. It was the action and denial that they were worried about. They took me to the police station. I was given a good talking to and spent some time on a blue mat to consider my actions. It really did do the trick. It made me wake up and never want to be in that type of trouble again. I didn't hate my parents for doing this. If anything, I'm glad they did this because my behaviour was unacceptable and they made me see that.

This may not work for everyone but it certainly worked for me. I would suggest you try it.

Thanks
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 14:58

He’s just admitted it.

Ooo that's handy then.

Yes he’s in trouble with the police also

We are aware there is a bigger problem and we are waiting advice and hopefully support from professionals he’s involved with.

Major drip feed. Totally relevant to your question. Just as well i didn't answer you correctly, because any reply would have been based on your OP asitwas and would be a waste of time given this ^ extra info.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 14:59

Thank you a problem shared.

Don’t feel ashamed a lot of teens steal from their parents- it’s not great but it’s also not uncommon. My DH also stole from his mum when he was a teen- she had a newsagent and he used to steal cartons of cigarettes and sell them in school!

I’ve told him he has to pay us back by doing chores I’d normally give him pocket money for and obviously we won’t leave any money lying around anymore!

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 15:00

I said in my op his situation so no there wasn’t a drip feed

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 15:47

I said in my op his situation so no there wasn’t a drip feed

You said nothing about police involvement

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 15:54

Oh I thought you meant the bigger picture as in we were suspecting him of being on the spectrum and having involvement with other professionals therefore a strong implication that he had wider problems.

You’re right I didn’t mention specifically being in trouble with the police in my op

OP posts:
Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 15:57

English -sorry if I’ve misinterpreted your comments but I don’t feel you have any genuine concerns or care for my situation so I’m not clear on what is happening here.

To me it just seems that you are trying to provoke a reaction or enter into some kind of heated discussion.

I’m not really interested in either, but thank you for taking the time to reply and apologies if you are genuinely trying to help.

OP posts:
englishdictionary · 14/04/2019 16:22

Don't worry, neither of those things interest me.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 17:05

Ok that’s good 😁

OP posts:
Takethebuscuitandthesink · 14/04/2019 17:26

lot of teens steal from their parents- it’s not great but it’s also not uncommon.

WHAT??? Are you for real erm no they most certainly do not. I have come across parents with extremely low standards before but this really takes the biscuit (hence my username lol😂😂😂)

expensive bottle of vodka

So he is drinking spirits under your nose-not good. And he has trouble “with the law”
Wow. Just wow.

You need to change his environment completely I would consider home schooling or moving him to the school in the next town. You also need to put in place real and strong discipline as it sounds (and correct me if I’m wrong) that you haven’t been showing him who is boss. I would take absolutely everything off of him I.e take his phone and send it to your mums/your friends house so he can’t get it. And take all his devices and ensure he has no contact with his current “friends” as it sounds as though they are corrupting him. And also you and she need to loose it with him and give him the fright of his life to try and show him this isn’t on.

Original poster
SandraDea · 14/04/2019 17:45

Takethebiscuit

Yes I am for real, plenty of teens do steal. We have standards but have to adapt our parenting because he is very problematic

He sold the vodka to someone else. He’s totally against alcohol.

We are currently assessing his schooling as the school environment is not working for him.

We have previously put strong discipline in place which has not been effective (as stated in my previous post).

The only device he has is his phone because we view him as at risk, and feel his safety trumps all other issues- it’s imperative he’s able to contact us.

I don’t have friends in RL anymore because of his behaviour and my mum died a few years back. His Dad is also chronically ill which indeed must impact on him.

I’m trying my best, but maybe it’s just good enough

OP posts:
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