Please help me and my dd

[Desperate2019]

I am a single mum to a 14 yo dd. I strongly suspect that she has Aspergers. I have tried to get her help but she won’t speak to anyone and so I have hit a brick wall.

I have adopted ways over the years to try and avoid meltdowns and I have learned to be very careful in what I say or do. I am constantly walking on eggshells.

She is currently having issues with friends at school (in that she has fallen out with them all) and so her behaviour for the last couple of weeks has been a lot worse than usual.

When she gets in from school she makes me wipe her, her clothes and everything in her room again and again and again. I also have to wipe all of the floors and I have to video myself doing it so that she has proof. She makes me do this over and over until she is satisfied. If I say that I won’t do it it escalates to the point where she is thrashing around on the floor screaming.

I desperately want to get her help but she begs me not to speak to anyone and says that she will not speak to anyone herself. I have said that if she won’t accept help then she’ll have to go and live with her dad but she doesn’t want to and has said that she will self harm if I make her. She also has begged me not to tell her dad as she says he will get cross with her.

I am already on antidepressants because of her behaviour and I self harm on a regular basis. I also have suicidal thoughts but I don’t think I would actually go through with it.

Sorry that it’s long but any advice would be appreciated.

This sounds like such an awful, complicated situation OP. But one thing is very clear- she does need help, and so do you.
Threatening to send her to her dad probably isn’t the best way to encourage her to seek help, but maybe you could start by mentioning her behaviour to your GP and seeing if they can point you in the direction of someone who can help. You also need to tell them about your own self harming, I fully understand how you would need some sort of release with everything you are coping with, but you need to be healthy to really look after your troubled daughter. You are her role model after all.

To placate her temporarily, or to swither under her threats, is not going to help her in the long run. She may be fine for a night, but she won’t have learned how to cope with her feelings. You can’t do this alone though you should be commended for trying to.

You also need to tell her father, he is presumably the co-parent and needs to know how his daughter is struggling. Wouldn’t you want to know? You can warn him not to mention it to her, then try to find a solution together.

Hope any of this helps.

Thank you for replying. I have spoken to my doctor about this but they have said that they can’t really do anything as she won’t even see them let alone speak to them.

You’re quite right in saying that I shouldn’t threaten to send her to her dads but I feel desperate but I will have to tell him. The reason that I haven’t yet is that when I asked him for help previously he has said that her behaviour with him is fine.

That last line is really interesting. Is she really fine with him? How often does she see him? It suggests she actually is able to control her behaviour at times. So what is different when she is with you?

You must be so worried for her. Perhaps you can ring Family Lives or Young Minds, the mental health charity. Their numbers are easily googled. You really need support with this and your daughter needs professional help. Don’t be afraid of thinking you may have betrayed her trust, you have more than proven yourself to be a loving mother. She is not in a healthy frame of mind so she may act aggressively or hurt, but you are looking out for her.

She sees him roughly every other weekend. I’ll look into contacting one of those charities. Thank you 🙏