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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Anyone else losing patience with their DD teenagers

17 replies

Snuggleworm · 05/04/2019 11:46

Hi, I have been on here a while ago re my daughters "depression" we have sorted a few issues and she appeared to be getting back on track. She had a low B12 and very low iron stores so has been on medication for those for about 2 months now. She is also doing her Junior cert this coming June. She even went back to her dancing classes. I just paid out 100 to her dancing teacher for a competition next weekend. However, now she tells me that she does not feel she is good enough to do it that she is fat and ugly and all her friends are beautiful and slim.She is a size 8 to a 10 and about 5 foot 5.Yes she is broader and taller and is not a size 6 but by no means fat.I try tell her this all the time.
I completely lost the head with her last night and shouted at her to cop on and grow up. I know I feel really bad but she has everything and as an only child, may be indulged quite a bit.She says she does not mean to be like this and she is sorry ( she is usually a good kid)

So what I am asking really is, how to stay patient and calm when your teenagers mood swings and drama and feelings of worthlessness are in full swing? I feel like my life has been on hold for the past 4 months with all the drama and tears from her. I have aged about 20 years too.
Please tell me that I have not scarred her for life by shouting at her.

OP posts:
crazycrofter · 05/04/2019 12:11

I know how you feel, dd’s younger brother, who’s 12, gets totally fed up with hearing how fat and ugly she is! It’s really hard to be patient,but I guess it will pass!

I’m sure you haven’t harmed her by shouting at her!

Budders12 · 05/04/2019 16:13

My DD was exactly the same and the broad shoulders comment came up as she was also a dancer and gymnast and the same size as your DD. She would also comment on her nose (?) hair (!) horse rider thighs (!?$) you name it she'd find something wrong. Sometimes I'd joke her along others I'd just leave her, keeping conversation to the mundane ie do you want a cup of tea, dinner's ready, what are you doing at the weekend
Moods swings too, which still happen (when do they ever stop??).
You said that she is a good kid, then keep saying that to yourself, praise when necessary, talk about why she feels like she does, when you know she's in the right mood to talk.
The low iron and B12 can have a massive effect so hopefully that will help balance her out a little.
I

GreenEggsHamandChips · 05/04/2019 16:16

B12 is cyclical. Its not something that just sorts. Sometimes you run through it quickly. Whens her next top up?

Budders12 · 05/04/2019 16:17

I should also add that shouting will not harm her I promise. My DD and I have had some humdingers of rows over the last 18 months as we have had to spend so much time together, living a hospital rooms and away from home for three months as she's had cancer. But, life still goes on and the teenage arguments and chagrin don't change just because they're ill. I was glad of the arguments in some ways because it was "normal" life.

So keep those doors open, talk and be honest with each other. ….. and find yourself a good hairdresser and beautician to help those wrinkles and grey hairs!!

corythatwas · 06/04/2019 17:31

As Green says, it may be that her deficiencies are not as easily sorted as "take this and you'll be fine". No experience of B12, but dh has vitamin D deficiency and that is very up and down.

Of course you won't have harmed her forever by shouting at her.

Otoh you do need to keep "she's had everything"-thoughts out of any thinking about her depression. You wouldn't be saying "I've given her everything so she has no right to have cancer" or "she's been a bit spoilt so she's got no reason to develop juvenile arthritis". Her illness is what it is.

It is almost certainly good for her to be expected to maintain good manners, but a momentary panic about weight doesn't seem particularly ill-mannered to me. Ime that is precisely the kind of intrusive thoughts that you do develop with depression.

Dd never dared tell me at the time, because she felt so guilty about what she was putting us through (a good decade of MH problems + physical health problems) but she did have very similar thoughts. It was the illness. She now knows that body shaming is a trigger for her so is very careful about the messages she takes on board.

Original poster
Snuggleworm · 08/04/2019 13:21

Thanks for all the replies and apologies I have not been back on here until now.
Depression was never diagnosed @corythatwas.
Budders12, I hope you DD is ok now.
GreenEggsHamandChips My dd is on Iron and Vit B12 tablets and is going in to her third month on them. I have noticed a huge difference in her energy levels but the mood swings are still the same. And I mean they can change from hour to hour.
So what I am trying to say really is, is it ok to lose patience sometimes? Is there a line where she just crosses. I am sick trying to fix EVERYTHING for her and really just wanted a rant I guess.

OP posts:
GreenTulips · 08/04/2019 13:26

I have no issue with this.

I say things like - well your legs work don’t they? Or Some people can’t even walk - be grateful etc

Original poster
Snuggleworm · 08/04/2019 14:20

@GreenTulips, I have said all these things

OP posts:
squigglekat · 09/04/2019 06:01

I would stop saying those things. They won’t help. Have you tried listening instead of telling her off?

pasanda · 09/04/2019 13:15

I agree with squiggle.

Saying things like that is just going to piss them off and make them think you're a twat. Which makes them less likely to want to do stuff imo.

My dh has before now said these sort of sarcastic comments to his teen step dc (my dc) and they think he's a knob for doing so!

Maybe try talking to her as if she was your friend.

Original poster
Snuggleworm · 09/04/2019 13:33

I have tried and tried everything, and we are really close and yes we are already like friends but as the title says, I am just losing patience at this stage. I have tried the "oh yes I fully understand where you are coming from" or the " yes I rem when I was a teenager I felt like that"I have spent an absolute fortune on every new product or food that she thinks will make her more beautiful, less "fat" etc etc. I have spent a fortune on counselors, doctors.
Just at a loss as what to do now and is it ok to lose the rag sometimes with frustration.

OP posts:
pasanda · 09/04/2019 14:28

Of COURSE it is!! Smile

You're only human! Thanks

Original poster
Snuggleworm · 10/04/2019 13:18

Thank you Pasanda.

OP posts:
Original poster
Snuggleworm · 12/04/2019 10:59

Me again, I really do not know what to do. she is so sad and says she is fat. Could not get out of bed this morning and I had to literally drag her out. She is only just getting ready to go in now.I will admit that although she is by no means fat, she has put on a bit of weight. She comfort eats. I cook and buy all healthy foods, but if there were a packet of biscuits in the house, she would eat the whole packet in one go. We have had to hide food on her.Not because I don't want her to have it but I know that she will just be depressed after she eats the whole pack.
Do I speak to the doctor about an eating disorder? I have a path worn to the doctors with all the issues. I no longer know what to do and am totally lost and suck at this parenting business. I have tried every single option out there to make her happy. I want to smack her but hug her t the same time. This is really really affecting all of our daily lives and I don't know what to do anymore. Cry my eyes out when she is not around.
Not looking for answers but just wanted to rant I suppose.

OP posts:
pointythings · 12/04/2019 18:31

I think it may be time to look at some talking therapy in addition to the vitamins. Depression is a really horrible illness and it sounds as if she's getting worse. Go see the GP and see if you can get a referral - but be aware MH services for young people are very overstretched, so it may not be easy.

lljkk · 13/04/2019 21:59

I have no answers, sorry.
I suppose they have to find their own way.

Also dealing with a teen who spouts "I'm depressed!" when I'm thinking "Would you just get ON with things & stop being so distracted by your social life dramas!?" So I can't be hardass even though my instincts are very much "Oh FFS stop it with the navel gazing would you."

lljkk · 13/04/2019 22:05

...ps, last night DD asked to see a Dr about her anxiety & depression.
I talked about how beliefs, expectations, experiences underpin what causes depression.
-I don't need to talk about my beliefs, she said. Depression is purely chemical!

I said that for DD's level of low mood, a talking therapy is what would be offered (CBT & personal wellbeing). Because the beliefs are what kicks someone into down mood & triggers the chemical chain that tries to self-perpetuate feeling down. Yes depression is chemical but it has a feedback loop with experiences & beliefs. Changing one's beliefs can nudge the feedback loop (eventually) back into being a more healthy balance for mood. She listened & didn't argue, I suppose that's good sign.

Maybe she'll do better if someone else is guiding her to challenge her own unhelpful beliefs. She sure doesn't want me to!

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