13yo dd really struggling socially....

[Girliefriendlikescake]

My 13yo dd has always struggled socially to some extent but since starting secondary it seems to have got much worse.

Tonight she has been really distressed as she she feels she has no friends and that 'everyone hates her' I have emailed her tutor to see what if anything he can do to support her.

I wonder at times if its possible she is on the Autism spectrum as she has always struggled with friendships and seems to lack some unspoken social skill that all of her peers have. She was assessed as having sensory processing difficulties when she was 7yo although generally those issues are better managed now.

Is there anyway I can help support her? I bought her a book about teenage friendships but she is reluctant to look at it as feels 'I am trying to change her' which obviously i'm not I just want to help her.

Can you encourage her to join a club where she might meet like minded people. My introverted children have made friends at warhammer club and book club. Film club is another good one as mainly watching films and not too much talking involved. Another idea is get her to hang around the library at lunch where a lot of the quieter kids go.
Tell her to look out for the other quiet kids. They are around, it's just hard to spot them as they hide away.

for you OP. I have experience of this with one of my dds at that age and completely understand. Things are better now and she has a small group of friends.

Firstly, organise a meeting with her tutor and if there is one, a member of the pastoral care team. Try and find out what is going on. It may be the case that she is in the wrong tutor group and could do better in another class with different kids who may be more her kind of people. Ask them to look at seating plans to try and help engineer some friendships.

What are her hobbies? Encourage them. She may make friends and she will gain confidence at being good at something out of school as well as keep her busy. This really was a breakthrough for my dd. It gave her confidence, resilience and a possible future career!

Look at suitable moderated online communities in things she is interested in. They can produce real friendships and be a good place to find like minded people.

Yep join clubs where alternative kids go as pp suggested.

Try not to turn it into a big deal although if your dd is like mine, they kinda know what you're up to . Its upsetting to watch a child feel like this so don't make it worse by getting upset about it in front of her. Also try to understand your daughter, is it because she is introverted like my daughter or is it because she doesn't click with any of the children around her? With mine, I had to realise that she is not a social butterfly and prefers one or two friends to loads plus she needs a lot of alone time.

Do lots of family things together. This will until things improve, help her feel less isolated and distract her. Get other family members involved - cousins, aunts, grandparents.

Good luck.

My Ds is 14 and very similar, it definitely got worse at secondary school. We have decided to go down the assessment route for ASD. He is also terribly lonely and has no friends at school.

The ASD assessment is taking ages and the school seem to be hesitant to put it anymore support until he has a diagnosis. He has had a particularly bad week but I have decided to email school after Easter. The school are not particularly supportive and I can imagine they will forget about it if I email this week.

I don't have many suggestions to be honest but can understand your worries. I'm hoping my Ds's school might have some suggestions when I contact them but they have not been hugely supportive so far. It's very upsetting when you know your child is so socially isolated especially when they just want to be part of a friendship group.

Good luck, hope the school maybe have some suggestions that may work for her.

Thank you so much for your replies, it helps knowing other people understand how hard it is!

She does horse riding outside of school which she loves but hasn't made any friends through, again she struggled helping out at the stables as felt the other helpers ignored her...

She did belong to a drama group which she stopped as found it quite full on but that said it was a nice group and very inclusive so I might look at that again.

I'm waiting for her tutor to ring me so will talk to him about my concerns.

I saw that the charity bibic were offering asd assessments for £200 recently and was really tempted by that. I'm not sure how dd will feel about a possible assessment/diagnosis though.... it's so tricky!

It is definitely is hard, I totally understand your concerns. My Ds does some tennis training. He used to compete but finds it way too overwhelming now. We are just glad he gets a bit of exercise, it's pretty much the only time he leaves the house apart from school. Athough he is never keen to go!

As far as the ASD assessment goes Ds isn't hugely impressed but we feel it is important. He has struggled more and more the older he has got, so we felt an assessment and diagnosis would help him understand himself and get more support. He is being assessed by the NHS so the waiting times are really long. The senco initially said they didn't think there were problems but after talking to teachers it became apparent there were concerns in school too.

The school referred him and I only told him when we received a date for his first appointment. I'm not sure if that was the right thing to do but I don't think he would have ever have agreed to it given the choice.

Hope the tutor phones and can offer some support. Ds's school are not great at any kind of pastoral care and I have had a few battles with them since the asd referral. I'm sure your daughter's school will be far more helpful though. Good luck.

That was the worst age for my DD. She had 2 proper friends and was pretty miserable as was I (about it). In primary/early secondary it was easier as parents manage the friendships more.
She did an out of school activity but didn’t really make proper friends there either until right at the end when she got too old . It improved a bit after making friends on a school trip abroad but that waned after 6 months really as everyone went back to their own groups.
She said she had social anxiety, but I think she was trying to fit in to a group that weren’t ‘her’ and not being true to herself. Now she’s in sixth form, has made a new group of friends in school (but kept her old ones, even being invited to a bday thing this year from a friend who used to leave her out), has friends from NCS (best thing she ever did for £50!) and is 100% happier. She’s quirky, but is embracing it and doing ok!! As teens get older they are def more accepting of differences which also helps.
I don’t think DD is on the spectrum, there are no other indicators, but she is def introverted (not interested in parties, prefers smaller interactions, finds small talk hard, needs time to decompress).
If your DD wants help socially then try and find a group where she’ll fit in, not where people already have a friendship group. The tutor maybe can suggest groups at school but I found that school were never bothered as DD always had one friend (unless there was bullying but that was only an issue in late primary).

Also my DD hated me ‘encouraging’ her to be more social as it reinforced the ‘issue’ that she didn’t have many friends. Made her feel worse.

Thanks just thats good your dd has now got a group of friends, I feel a bit sad for dd when I think how important my friends were to me when I was her age and she does't seem to have that.

What is NCS?

What are her interests? Best way to actually find people on your wavelength is to have shared interests.
My DD is slightly younger but also quite introverted. We've happened across a lovely art club which attracts similar kids and it's a different social group to both her primary and high school. It's the high point of her week and she's made some really good friends.

I agree with PPs about joining activities both in school and outside school as a way to meet a wider circle of people. I wouldn't join with the pressure of making friends but for the sake of getting out and doing things with other people and having social interaction with likeminded people.

It is a really tough age especially with social media as everyone appears to be having such an amazing time. I talked to DD a lot about how things appear online are never a true reflection of what is really going on. Even the most social, popular girls feel insecure and unhappy sometimes.

Girlie they do NCS after GCSEs - National Citizenship Service. Partly residential, partly community action in a nutshell! It’s v much subsidised by the govt and they go with local groups so make local friends.

I'm hoping my Ds will be interested in NCS unfortunately his communication skills are poor and I think it may be too overwhelming for him.

@Girliefriendlikescake Did you speak to school and were they any help?
I hope they were able to offer some insight and useful suggestions.

My DD 13 is very similar excepts she doesn’t show she’s upset or lonely. She spends a lot of time in the house with us. She plays a team sport out of school which she enjoys but she doesn’t see any of the girls from this outside of school. She has some friends among the quieter less popular girls at school but rarely does she see them outside of school.
I have tried encouraging my DD to try other things within school and outside of school but she went bezerk about this so I have had to back off (which has made things less stressful). Good luck OP.

@daddylonglegs1965
I think your DD is probably an introvert so only needs so much social interaction before needing her own space. If you are not one yourself it can be hard to understand. I have had to learn to parent an introvert myself. I think in this world of social media that holds up extroverts as the ideal, it is very hard to be 'allowed' to be an introvert. Backing off is probably the best course especially as she is not upset or lonely.

Thanks for asking bless I spoke to her tutor who said he'd keep an eye on things... not totally reassured by that tbh.

I have made enquiries into dd rejoining a drama group that she's done before and enjoyed, so will try that. Also had an email about a local teen wildlife ranger type thing that meet monthly which sounds perfect for her.

I wouldn't say dd is an introvert or shy, she will chat to anyone and can appear quite confident but she seems to struggle securing good friends and maintaining them.