Please help me with my vile DD2 age 15!

[yummumto3girls]

I am at the end of my tether! She has always been a “spirited” child but she is just vile to everyone. I spend my life meditating between her and her dad and two sisters but I get nothing back. No love, help, thanks, just insults - I am really at the point of why bother. Over the last few months my eldest DD has been diagnosed with anxiety and depression - due to the horrible way DD2 treats her, puts her down etc I got called in to school for my youngest DD as she had told a friend she wanted to run away as she is so sad at the arguments that DD2 causes. I just don’t know how to punish her, normally I take her phone and iPad off her, she refused to give it to me this week, so I got DH to take her TV off the wall and pack it away. Instead he put it in my room and she went and put it back. She kicked off again yesterday and I managed to spot her phone and iPad and confiscate them. She has kicked off tonight, I have had to leave the house and go for a drive as I saw red and needed to remove myself. DH was at work. I have to do something to change this, we cannot all continue to live in what feels like hell! I really want to call social services and ask them to put her in temporary foster care to give us all a break - help me see sense please!

Why not smash the TV, Cancel the phone contract and take the IPad to her nans?

Cancel the phone contract and change the WiFi password.

It looks like she's been able to get along with her behaviour for so long with you mediating rather than dealing with her bad behaviour that she thinks it's totally acceptable now

If you can afford it I'd contact a family therapist and have some sessions where she is included and some where she isn't.

What is she actually doing?
You need to be aware that social services won’t do that; even children who are attacking their parents are kept at home as far as possible. The outcomes for your DD would significantly deteriorate if she had to spend time in care.
Have you spoken to the school about what support there is to manage her behaviour? There is early help who might be able to help. If you can afford it I would definitely be looking into family therapy.
Be aware that the focus of any help will be on what you’re doing as parents to manage this, not saying that you’re doing it wrong, but other techniques which will then change how DD acts but don’t expect the help to be on making DD change by herself

Thanks for your responses, sorry I disappeared I fell asleep last night as was so exhausted and been at work on a course today, been really tearful all day. DD has refused to go to school today. DH and I have an appointment to see her head of year tomorrow to see how they can help, I am not holding much hope as I believe she is sweetness and light to everyone else!

I am full open to parenting skills or whatever options there are to help me manage her, she makes me feel like a shit parent anyway!

How was your meeting with school

You’re not on your own. I’m going through similar with my son. I work for social services. The only help they could offer is through early help keyword. The only children they put into care are those suffering serious neglect, physical, emotional or sexual harm. I hope things improve for you all

I really wouldn’t get SS involved as they won’t leave until it suits them and you would have given them a license to interfere in your family life- that isn’t to say SS don’t do amazing work and have helped many children and parents I just don’t think it is appropriate in this situation. I would consider recording some of her behaviour and showing it to the school. You need to give her a final warning that if the behaviour continues you will cancel her phone contact ,sell the TV and give the iPad away and if it does continue actually do it to show her that you are serious. Also stop acting as a mediator you are neither qualified or in a position to fill that role and she has shown she doesn’t have the maturity to settle these things in a civilised manner. You need to put in place a clear and written “code of conduct” type thing in which you lay out what behaviour IS NOT acceptable and preset sanctions and also positive actions and behaviours that result in preset rewards. Also you need to look at other peoples role in this could it be there is some kind of common trigger that sets off arguments? You also need to allow her a forum to express her feelings is there some kind of “outside” family member for you to bring in in order to talk to her I.e a grandparent/an aunt/uncle or even a close family friend. You did the right thing by removing yourself and you must remember if it feels like it is all becoming overwhelming then you need a space for you to go too. Good luck and

I was where you are. My dd started at about 13 it was horrific times. She is 16 now and becoming a nice young lady again. Only advice I can offer is percivere with it. Rely on anyone you can and things do start to change. I truly wouldn't wish this on anyone so can feel your pain. Good luck.