Mumsnet grumpy thoughtless teenagers

[Daddylonglegs1965]

Feeling sad & mourning the loss of my children now (14 and 15) who at the moment both seem to be growing up into horrible thoughtless lazy young people who couldn’t give two hoots about me. Typical teenagers you might say. I am probably menopausal and not taking it well.
They made no effort to be remotely pleasant yesterday. They don’t get pocket money as they do nothing whatsoever to deserve it. DH gave them money for a mother’s day card (within earshot of me) and he bought some chocolates for them to give to me as we were away for the weekend. They made no effort to be remotely nice or caring at all, all day and behave disrespectfully towards me (which seems to be getting worse). DH works very long hours and is very laid back (so he seems to be flavour of the month). Whereas I am always the baddie for always having a go at them asking them to tidy bedrooms, put clean washing away, remove trainers from blocking the hall way, clean their teeth etc etc.
I am sick of the sound of my own voice but determined they will help at least a little. I work part time and this week they are off school. DS did half an hours revision while I walked the dog. Now he’s on the XBOX school books left laying about on the table. DD got up later has lazed around watching TV. Meanwhile I have done three loads of washing, hung it out, put some things away from last night, fed and walked the dog, emptied the dishwasher, hoovered and wiped the kitchen work surfaces as I didn’t want a rerun of yesterday. Now I am debating going out and leaving them to it with just beans on toast in as I am so fed up with them. Neither have barely spoke to me and DS has shouted at me when I asked him to put his school boxes away if he want using them.
Any tips and or advice. Be gentle with me.

I do take the Xbox tv controllers off them and put them in the boot of my car and I do shout at them which can often end in a big argument. We tried pocket money on the condition that they kept rooms tidy and helped around the house but it didn’t work out. We give them money if they are meeting friends which they do so rarely (we feel sorry for them and are glad they have the opportunity to socialise).

Yep, those are teenagers. It's really not their fault, their brains are being actively rewired and they truly don't understand normal cause and effect or social standards any more. The science behind it is really interesting. Living with it... not so much.

Take any good parts you can get as they come past, and settle in for the three-five year wait until their brains settle and they become actual functioning humans again. Try not to murder them in the meantime, it's unfortunate but "breathing while teenage" isn't sufficient reason in the eyes of the law.

Thanks SpoonBlender - I have gone out, put the snacks in the boot of my car and just left them to it. They can have cereal or beans on toast I have had a bellyfully of both of them yesterday and today.

That's a fine plan! Go enjoy yourself. If you pass a bookshop, see if they've got any "understanding why your teenager is being a total fuckwit" books, settle down in a cafe and read up. It'll help you (try and) take it slightly less personally. It's not about you or how you've brought them up and there's really not much you can do about it - they have to get through it themselves.

From entirely anecdotal evidence of all-the-post-teenagers-I-know, about 60% of them go through the awful phase. One of my brothers was 13 until he was about 26 and suddenly became entirely lovely. There's light on the far side!

It sounds depressingly familiar and unacceptable.

IME it helps them to give them clear expectations. They need to learn that as a loving, caring mother, they have a DUTY to show some kindness and respect to you, and not just on mother's day. They need to identify their less appealing characteristics so as not to make a lifelong habit of self-entitled brattishness.

So tell them: "Tomorrow/next week is mother's day/my birthday. I will take it as a sign of the utmost rudeness and disrespect if you make no effort for me, so you'd better sort yourselves out. Because I DO mind, a LOT, and will be very hurt, if you can't be bothered."

You won't get the spontaneous outpouring of love and appreciation we hope for as mothers, but it might jolt them into some kind of consciousness and bring about something marginally better than being ignored.

I love your response Spoonblender. Pretty much sums it up from my experience! My teen is now 17 and is increasingly getting more 'normal' in his responses - though we still have plenty of fuckwit moments. I read a lot of the books which helped me calm down the wanting-to-kill-him response and gave me some coping strategies but ultimately the 'wiring and firing' needs to happen so battening down the hatches and looking after yourself during this time is probably your best bet. X

Thanks kk!

Ommmm the issue is that their tiny messed up heads don't have normal human cause-and-effect or roles-and-responsibility comprehension active right now, so laying down the law is often just setting everyone up to fail. They'll literally and honestly forget, or ignore it because currently it's just Not Important in their value system. Or ignore it because it's SO EMBARRASSING I CAN'T EVEN so must be dismissed.

OTOH it may work, depending how far down the rabbit hole they are. Try it and see.

OP, there's lots of good advice on coping techniques in the nearby thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/teenagers/3542520-Is-parenting-a-teen-adversely-affecting-your-mh

Thanks all it’s all coincided with both my parents declining health needs and needing me more and more and my being menopausal so my moods are all over the place. So I feel if my two are able to say empty the dishwasher, put cereal boxes away or walk the dog it would really help me out a lot and I would be less narky. I have spoken to them about how I am exhausted and if they just helped a little it would mean a lot but to no avail. DH’s attitude is just leave them, leave it leave the bedrooms and playing on his phone or watching shit on TV. So I am totally the baddie. Off to find a coffee shop with a helpful book in.

hmm, I'm in 2 minds on this.

On the one hand I agree with spoonblender, and it is perfectly normal.

On the other hand, mine have always had to help around the house, and it took a lot of effort to hold the line as they reached teens, the arguments about how it was unreasonable fell on deaf ears, and eventually they accepted that if they want to eat , they have to pack the dishwasher and clear the table. In the holidays they get given a job to do by dinner time, eg stick on a load of washing, hang up a wet load, hoover the stairs etc.
one of mine is much more beligerant about doing it than the other two, but it all gets done in the end.

Lot sof things I choose to ignore, they know, after years of repetition, that they need to take their stuff upstairs, bring dirty crockery down, and if it isn;t in the laundry basket, I don't wash it.

BUT mothers day is crap, because they kick against it, because it is 'expected' My dh is in charge of birthdays and mothers day etc, he makes sure they are sorted on Friday/Saturday. I think your dh needs to step up actually. Your last post about 'just leave it' you need to pick him up on this - just leave it TO WHO. To YOU. So if he says just leave it - ask him - are YOU going to clean up after them, do the dishes etc, or do you mean just leave it, mum will do it? Because unless he is prepared to pick up the slack, he cannot tell them that!

things I ignore - getting up late, stomping up stairs, drama sighs and huffs, grumpy bad temper - usually met with sunny cheerfulnes which drives them mad , cries of Its Not Fair, overindulgence in snacks, wearing same T shirt for 3 days (although I do tell them it smells), forgetfulness (they do need 20 reminders to do a job), can't get up in the morning, (I just call up stairs every 5 minutes, and accept they will fall down them only just in time to catch the train)

things I won't ignore - nasty or rude comments, jobs they knwo they should do.

Oh and remember to keep sayign nice things to them and giving them hugs even when they are moody and grumpy!

No DH tells me to just leave them or just leave it as he doesn’t like the hassle arguing falling out etc. He works very long days and I only work part time.
But then he doesn’t end up with a backlog of work to do. So he doesn’t have a vested interest in ensuring they contribute to the running of the household.

but that means when he says to them, or to you - leave it, what he is actaully saying is

leave it FOR NOW, and then later when it really has to be done, mum will do it.

So every single time he refuses to engage with the teens, he is putting work on you. It doesn't matter how many hours you work, or he works, that is not on, and he needs to recognise that that is what he is doing.

I think some people are lucky and their teens miss this phase, others have it to different degrees.
It sounds like yours are typically messy and thoughtless with rudeness thrown in.
It could be so much worse.

One thing I would say is that family life doesn't have to end when they are teens, there doesn't sound to be much fun involved and nobody likes either nagging or being nagged.

They don’t get pocket money as they do nothing whatsoever to deserve it. This is your decision of course but I have never attached conditions to pocket money. I do think having no money ever is a bit depressing and isn't going to teach them financial management. Mine got a monthly amount to spend as they wished. Once they got to 15ish it increased but had to cover new clothes, phones, entertainment.

I'd separate the behaviours that annoy you and ignore things that don't matter. The things that matter IMO are the relationships with you, the way they listen, respond and interact with you and simple consideration. What doesn't matter is the mess, the chores and mothers day.

Thanks they both have money left over from Christmas and birthdays which they haven’t spent and we give them money on the rare occasions they go to town or to
the cinema etc. When we gave pocket money in the past DD was spending hers on massive bars of cheap chocolate etc which she ate so much of between meals that she didn’t want her meals. Or they both were forever having arguments that so and so has pinched a £1 or a fiver off me etc.

There's some great info & advice here.

I completely agree about needing to find a way of either stopping your husband from telling them/you to 'leave it' or else ensuring that he picks up the slack.

I found Parent Effectiveness Training invaluable. I read the book & then did a course. It's not exclusively 'teen' focused, more relationships in general and honestly think I would have no relationship with my teen (probably my DH too!) without it! It gives a really clear set of strategies for managing situations and emotions - starting with your own and has really allowed me to discover my own authority and boundaries and how to communicate these to others. I've got a toddler as well as a teen, am hovering around perimenopause and have nightmare families on both sides. I put my PET goggles on and it's all far more manageable!

When I say nightmare families I mean mine and dps not that we're sandwiched between awful neighbours!

It's really tough and can grind you down.

Things that worked in our house were making my teen cook a family meal once a week and MarieKondo-ing her bedroom with her (much easier to keep clean and organised now).

Have you tried a family meeting at the weekend where you all divvy up the chores for the week?

Teens can ask for extra support as can you.