Teenager with strong views

[Budders12]

Hi. New to the site in a hope that someone can help me out and give some advice! This is small in comparison to what a lot of you have going on but my heart is breaking and I’m at a loss. My daughter has very strong views on a lot of things political and environmental. I’m proud of the fact that she cares and can hold her own on such a variety of issues, discussing with maturity and knowledge. However, this is starting to impact on the atmosphere in the house to the point where she is openly critical of everything we say, read, eat, buy, watch etc. It comes to a head every Sunday when we come to do the roast. She doesn’t want to eat with us because we eat meat and she doesn’t. I know this sounds petty but it is causing arguments to the point last week where she says she doesn’t see this as her hone and if she couod she would move out. The atmosphere is strained to say the least. I’ve tried everything to calm the waters but every Sunday it’s the same. Today it’s breaking my heart more than ever as no card just a quickly muttered “HMD”. It’s me, her and her step-dad (her Dad died when she was 8) she’s amazing company when animated and not on political soap box. If anyone has been in the sane/similar situation and can empathise with any of the feelings I’m having and offer advice, I’d be so grateful as I’ve just been sobbing for the last hour . Thank you

Teens are asshats. (Know I was) Adults know nothing, or if they do they are wrong.
The Sunday dinner thing-next weekend you tell her she is in charge of it, cook a lovely meal acceptable to all, within this budget. Remind her of everyone's likes and dislikes, take her shopping, leave her to it. I take it you are providing a vegan alternative for her? If so, you explain calmly (she won't hear) that it's a meal for everyone, you take on board her views, but a family listens to everyone (and the cook has overall choice. 😉). (My 30 yr old hasn't even texted me to say hmd btw, because he's still an asshat)

Thank you. Will try that. I’ve said that she can cook what she wants and I’ll buy ingredients but making her cook for the three of us might make her think a little more.

Think it’s also all the hurt that’s coming out of this too - so much dislike going on inside her.

How old is she- 17? My DD is a bit like this; she has recently become disgusted with my buying milk and physically tries to restrain me in the supermarket. It’s quite challenging

I was exactly like this as a teen. I’ve now come full circle aged nearly 40 and eat meat, have very mainstream political views and just want a quiet life! The teenage me would be horrified at the adult me.

I think actually - as the mum of a teen dd myself now- I would just learn to perfect the nod and smile approach. Let her have a rant, pretend to be interested and then do whatever you like. If she doesn’t want to eat with you on Sunday then let her do what she likes - obviously make sure she has suitable food she can have instead, with her making it herself if necessary- but make it clear if she doesn’t want to eat with you she doesn’t have to but equally she mustn’t sit and criticise your choices - just as you wouldn’t do it to her. It’s all about mutual respect and she needs to learn that her views and feelings don’t trump everyone else’s - it’s a hard lesson for an opinionated teenager to learn!

Ah... I had this as a child (my brothers argued fiercely with each other & my mother). I resolved to keep peace betw. DC & me/each other, even if we had strong disagreements (turn out we do).

I can only suggest:
Don't take it personally. Teens see world in black & white. It's not their fault. Blame their dopamine receptors.

Do push the message that people can (must) agree to disagree & stay civil, even under one roof. Don't engage in her views; she's allowed them, & you are allowed to politely acknowledge & talk about other things, not argue or agree. Model to her how to live politely with someone with whom you disagree. I would try to move firmly towards "You have said these things before but we aren't going to agree. I don't tell you everything you should believe so please give us space to have different views; when we disagree I am polite & respect your choices so you should also respect my right to make different decisions." Never engage with her actual opinions if she's gone fervent about them, just come back to the msg you prefer to talk about other things, you expect her to respect your choices, & you aren't budging no matter what sharp thing she says or does.

How old is she & is it really important to you that she joins you for roast dinner? I just wonder if you can find flexibility in how you spend time together. But do not give her power of thinking you seek her approval.

Ha! Yes, 18! Hadn’t got to that point yet!

DailyMailSucksWails - thank you. Such sound advice. I’ll give it a go. Think it’s the kind of stance to take if I’m going to stay sane .. 😔

Oh, goodness. Your post takes me back. DD a member of a Trotsky type political group DH ( her stepfather) member of Stalinist political group, me a member OF a mainstream political group. The "discussions" over Sunday lunch were epic. The only thing that kept me same was thinking about an Alexi Sayle story that culminated in his father shouting at him "don't call your mother a capitalist running dog".

I'm the end, it all worked out. Young people have to, in my mind, try out various opinions/stances. And, as is the way with the young, they are very vocal about those opinions. Shades of grey only come into their vocabulary much later.

Fairylea - thank you. Just need to take a step back. We get along fine most times and in the grand scheme of things, I’m managing the teenage years but this is just causing upset. I’ve banned all talk of Brexit too - far too inflammatory!

I'd allow some discussion but change topics when it's too much. Agree nod and smile etc. Also I'd give a bit - I remember as a teen my family introduced recycling when I bought it up. Some of these issues are big and topical, how do we feed the world etc. I felt empowered/reassured to know it was important to family. It is the world she is going to grow up in.

I like the idea of her cooking for all three of you every second weekend. She can then educate you Philistines and learn how to appreciate that not all people think like her. A lot of being a teenager is feeling that you're heard.

On an occasion when you are all around the table, take it in turns to hold a wooden spoon for 3 minutes. Rule is person holding spoon must be listened to and not interrupted. Everyone gets to have a say.

Take her out one on one - in public place - for a coffee when things are calm. Tell her that you respect her views but the way she is expressing them is causing you a lot of upset and could she please dial it down a bit. Tell her you have to think of the family as a whole and not just her, and perhaps offer to compromise on a couple of things like eating veggie twice a week?

Thank you all for your replies. We’ve chatted and decided that she will cook a meal (or two) during the week. I’ve also suggested that she does learn a little tolerance to other opinions. It’ll be slow steps but compromise on her part (as we’ve compromised quite a lot and adjusted things we do) and we’ll get. I might go slightly greyer and crazier, but we’ll get there. Thank you

Yep, my DS16 has got lots of views he likes to rant at discuss with me.

Its got to the stage where I say we can't talk about politics or religion or any related topics. He gets very animated and shouty. Apparently, he "appreciates" my viewpoints, and says he likes to argue with me. But I just don't enjoy the shoutiness of it at all, and we end up arguing.

I have also impressed upon him that we don't have to agree. Its fine to have different views and disagree.

Also, that ranting and shouting at people and calling them names is not really going to convert them to your cause ....

I think it's food that's the big problem. Other things you can have your views on and they can have theirs. DSD has been vegan for the past 3 years and it's caused a fair bit of conflict. What works best is:

• Cooking vegan for everyone sometimes - that can't be too hard in your household with only 3 of you, and there are sound environmental and health reasons for eating less meat.
• planning food in advance and getting get to batch cook a veggie stew to eat in place of meat

- striking deals - in your case I'd suggest you agree to keep in stock some veggie ingredients and cook at least X veggie meals a week, and in return she has to eat with you for some meals even if you're eating meat and she isn't. Point out that there are different priorities when eating ethically - if your priority is to eat local food local chicken is better than soya. You're not imposing your views on her and she's not to do so on you.

And maybe don't do a roast on Sunday lunch. Pick a different meal when she's often out anyway, or can be told to cook for herself and have a roast for the two of you then. If Sunday lunch is an important family meal, make it something you all like. That'll take the pressure off a bit.

Teens are the epitome of rebels without a cause so they find a cause.
If it isn't vegetarianism it'll be something else. If she threatens to move out just tell her no-one is stopping her.
Her 'strong views' will weaken as she matures but in the meantime stay calm and refuse to be bullied. She's entitled to her views but so are you.

Thanks for all your comments. We've had a "chat" and come to a compromise. She will try to make some meals in the week or at least point me in the direction of recipes and ingredients and I'll make it (she's not really able to stand for long periods). I already cook Veggie for her and do quiet a few fish meals, just the roast issue, so going to avid pork for the moment.
As regards politics I've just said we have to agree to disagree and she has to learn tolerance of others and realise that when she says something that does mean a debate/discussion not to take it personally on either side.
We've laughed about it now it just hurts at the time - learning curve for me as well neve had a teenage daughter - though was one myself and think it's a little bit lke history repeating itself .
Thank you all for you kind words, advice and comments

Lots of good advise here. I would also be ready to say that if she refuses to be polite and civil, she can go to her room and be by herself. If she's going to act like a petulant child, then she'll be treated like one. This is YOUR home, op. Don't allow her to make it a miserable battlefield.

Greta Thunberg's mother gave up an international career as an opera singer because of her daughter's campaign against climate destruction.

I think it's great that you let your daughter's views influence the family's eating, if you agree with some of her idealistic principles. You can model listening, compromise, and learning from other people's well thought out arguments.

Aquamarine1029 - oh yes that's happened!

Claraschu - think I will make the point - thanks