DD doesn’t have a friendship group

[Kat22]

My daughter is at sixth form college and doesn’t have a social life with friends. She speaks to people at college but it doesn’t go much further. She had a small group of friends at school but they have drifted apart at college and tbh on the whole I think that was a good thing as there was a very poisonous girl in the group. I don’t think she’s doing anything wrong in terms of making friends, it’s not easy as they’re not in college muchz
She’s got a boyfriend, a Saturday job and is doing a little volunteering but she would really like to have some friends and a social life and some fun. I feel really bad for her, any suggestions or thoughts?

Is there anyone her age at her Saturday job or at volunteering that she could invite for a drink/ cinema?

Is there any extra curricular activities at her sfc that she could join? A debate club or sport for e.g.

I find it difficult to believe there is no one she can get talking to in her classes. I was really really shy and when I was at college I learned that asking questions and finding out stuff from the students there got mutual chatting started and I've flown ever since. It takes practice but being interested in others really helped me.

I wouldn't worry greatly. She has a boyfriend and a job to keep her busy, she has people she chats with at school, and presumably she'll be going to uni (as she's at 6th form college). She will make plenty of friends there, so unless she's unhappy now, I wouldn't fret.

Hi AnneofCleavage, she does chat to people in classes and in chat groups but that’s as far as it goes and, it’s never progressed to meeting up outside college. Tawdry, it does bother her. She spends most of her time studying and wants to get out more and not be too reliant on the bf. She feels she’s missing out and is lonely.

Does her college have any clubs (drama, sports, music) she could join? My 18 year old cousin is in a running club, which seems to have quite a social life to it.

Hi Tawdry, she has joined in with some volunteering club but everyone seems to meet up & go home. She’s not sporty whatsoever so sports clubs won’t work.Bf doesn’t like actually going out much so she’s stuck in all the time and is getting down about it.
Is anyone else having the same experience of sixth form college?

Not these days as my daughter has is too young still but I remember when I was at college it was a very different atmosphere to school and people tended to keep themselves to themselves I was glad when I left to be honest.

Madeyemoodysmum I’m so glad someone has experienced this. She’s tried chatting but really feels she has tried as hard as she can with out looking desperate. College really seems to have very little in the way of social clubs, I am very disappointed in them. I think it is harder to meet people now than it was with people staying in more & being on their phones. She’s very down to be facing another weekend without seeing anyone. I just don’t know what to suggest anymore.

Are there any other groups or clubs dd could join outside college? By this age there may be fewer than for early teens, but how about a choir, yoga, aerobics class, drama group? Music? - if she plays an instrument maybe there are some groups/orchestras locally? That type of activity may not lead to major friendships, but at least are a way of getting out and about!

Meanwhile can you arrange some family get togethers, or get togethers with friends, to add some social activity to the weekend? Not always easy I know, as sometimes their own teens will be off out! But sometimes even mixing with parents' friends is a pleasant enough diversion.

It does sound hard at college with few social clubs and not spending much time there - and as your dd says you can only chat so much without looking needy! Does your dd feel it wouldn't be 'done' to suggest going for coffee or meeting up to see a film at the weekend? It can be very difficult to make the first move, but then if nobody does it, nobody ever will. Maybe it just needs a little more time (though presumably dd is at least two terms in!) - in the meantime keep up the friendly chat, maybe try and swap phone numbers to have some text chat with classmates as well (one on one though - groupchat seems to add complications!). Sorry if she's already done this - don't want to be teaching grandmother etc!

It does sound hard, OP - I have no experience of sixth form colleges (in Ireland you stay in the same school until 18). I can see if everyone is studying a different range of subjects, and planning to go to different unis, and already has friends from their previous school, then they might well not be that invested in making new friends. But she is so right to want a social life outside her relationship!

It's a funny age, now I think about it - all my friends at that age were from school or the street I lived in. She may just have to white knuckle it until university, where everything changes anyway.

Thanks I do appreciate your responses. She does feel it wouldn’t be the done thing to ask people for coffee etc & she doesn’t get the vibes from people that they would say yes. I did try to get her to join an orchestra a while back but she refused. The other day she said she wished she had so maybe that’s a possibility. She is shy & has had her confidence dented so that doesn’t help. I do encourage everything I can & do try & arrange family stuff to fill gaps when I can but obviously this is not a substitute for peer group. Thanks for all response so far & cheers for giving me the opportunity to vent!

Hi Kat22 how is your daughter getting on now is she in her second year ? I have a slightly shy son who joined Cole’s in Sep. Similar dittustion where the school group he knows have a couple of toxic characters and can very fickle, he would really like to find a nicer group but it is tricky. Like your daughter he chats to lots of people but hasn’t learnt the skill to progress to the next stage, I’m just working on his confidence at home and been as positive as I can, it’s a shame he hasn’t found ‘his type of people’ yet xx