DS2 has no close friends. How can I help him?

[woodcutbirds]

DS (aged almost 17) has been very stressed recently. He bottles emotions very tightly. He has high functioning autism (HFA) and finds it hard to express how he feels.

Today it came out that he really longs to have a social life. His neurotypical twin brother is very popular - always off at parties, does loads of afterschool clubs, excels at a sport at national level. My gorgeous DS is funny, clever, kind, has loads of interests - music, politics, comedy, art, drama. He gets on OK with people at school. People 'like' him. And he masks his autism so well (thorugh choice) that most people don't know he has it.

But he never gets close enough to people that he is invited to parties or included in social outings very often. Recently his brother got him an invite to a simple pizza night at his friends house and now DS is saying he wishes those people were also his friends. they are so funny and kind and laid back. (It's true his twin brother does have exceptionally lovely friends.) I knwo from the past that people he considers close frineds barely register him as an acquaintance (eg I overheard boys he invited birthday parties whispering to each other 'Why are you here - do you know him at all?' 'Not really.' And yet these were people he considerec close because he maybe sat with them at lunch a few times a week. To him, that's friendship. To them, it's just lunchtime.

i don't know what to do. I don't ever want his brother to feel he I has to persuade friends to include DS; he's not his keeper. And I don't want DS to wish he had his brother's life (which he does. Because his brother is taller, more academic, more sporty, more popular and he just feels so much in his shadow.)

Right now, I'm on the brink of tears, wishing I could create a social life for him. He just wants to be invited to a few parties, and have someone to go to music festivals with. People seem to keep him at a distance, but I really am not sure why. He is very funny and thoughtful towards others. His autism really doesn't stop him recognising other people's needs. He can be quite 'flat' in his voice and body language. As though he's deeply fed up. And he's incredibly shy so doesn't give off a vibe of wanting to have fun.

Sorry - long post. But what can I do to help him?

Oh that’s so sad :( Sibling comparisons are tricky anyway, especially same sex siblings but it must be even harder with twins.

Does he play any games online? They can be a great way for shy, socially awkward people to make friends. My ds is much younger (nearly 13) but online socialising has helped him socialise in real life too.

What about drama? Is he involved in an out of school theatre club? My daughter’s friend who’s 16 goes to Theatre Train every Sat and has a close knit set of friends there.

Basically, bonding over shared interests is probably the way forward. Is he in year 12 or 13? Just wondering if a move to uni is on the horizon soon?

I’ve just seen he’s nearly 17 so Year 12, sorry!

Can you hold a few pizza type events at your house for both boys to help try and include your autistic ds and strengthen any bonds he has started to make with his brothers friends.

What does his twin make of it all? Are they close? Does he want to involve him more in his social life?

DS2 (also Y12, has Asperger's) is in a similar situation. He does have a group at school that he usually eats lunch with, and they sometimes chat on Discord. But he has not been invited to or included in anything outside school hours since last June. The positive side is that it doesn't seem to bother him too much. He has neurotypical siblings who have social lives. I think in your DS's case, having a twin must make it hard not to directly compare himself.

DS is similar, no twin which must be hard on him. However I just keep thinking that one day it’ll click for him.

Thank you for all your replies. TheFirstOHN - your DS's situation osunds very like mine.

I have tried to invite his 'friends' over a few times. We live in a village so they have to want to come, as it's a bit of a journey. He isn;t that keen, usually, so it happens once a year, if that. I managed to organise something over half term. His twin is helping a bit at getting him invited to the occasional event but not the cool parties. And I'm nervous of turning him into his keeper, as I don;t think that's fair on either of them, or good for them.

crazy I tried to get him involved in drama when he was younger. It never quite clicked for him. But he' smentioned he might have another go. I might try and get him involved this summer.

I don't know what to suggest. Ds1 is like your other twin: plays football, is on the x box with his mates constantly, at parties. Meets mates in town, goes to each other's houses all the time, rides around on bikes, goes to Nando's.

But if your other twin doesn't want to do any of those things, it's hard to know what to suggest.

Does he know any other people with ASD? My 12 year old tends to get on with other people on the spectrum as I guess they understand each other better. His school run a lunchtime club for people with SEN or who struggle socially and he has met like-minded people there.

Titsy he does... but he's one of those people who doesn't want to be a member of any club that wants him as a member, if you know what I mean. He's very self-conscious about hanging out with the ASD crowd (plenty of them at his school) I don;t know why exactly. Ironically, one of his brother's close friends is ASD and used to be friendly - a bit - with DS but he pushed him away. (To be fair, this boy is very loud and DS is very quiet so they are not wlel matched.)

Just had yet another brilliant piece of news for DS1 and I know DS2's heart will sink. Not out of meanness - just... he's sick of always being in the shadow.

My DS is a lot younger than yours, so this might not be great advice but he also has ASD and is always on the periphery of things socially at school too. What really helped him was finding a sport that he loved (in his case ice hockey) and he made some lovely friends just going to watch his local team play, and now he plays too and has made more friends there- it seems having that shared interest and topic to tall about has helped him make more "proper" friendships. I don't think he will ever have any really close friends at school because he just doesn't have much in common with anyone really, but he is so much happier now and lives for training/game days etc. Is there any sport or hobby your DS might be willing to get involved in?

Dizzy that's a lovely idea but he also has really strong dyspraxia and a mild disability which make him bottom of the heap at all sports. He is brilliant at music and has been going to a group for four to five years but no solid friendships have materialised out of that. We were so sure they would. People really respect him as a musician, they just... don't socialise with him. It's heartbreaking.

Building confidence in things he is good at sounds - music sounds like the way to go. Are there books om social skills for teens with ASD?

Just wanted to wish you all the best with this. I have also posted a friendship question in the forum, different situation but same basic problem. I so identify with you saying you just wish you could create a social life for him, that’s how I feel about my DD

"He's very self-conscious about hanging out with the ASD crowd (plenty of them at his school) I don;t know why exactly."

If you wanted to fit in with the "normal" kids you wouldn't want to hang out with the "weird" kids, who furthermore constantly remind you of your own difficulties, like looking in a mirror, whenever you hang around them.