This is long - do get a cuppa and a biscuit. I have typed this out several times which has been helpful in itself.
There are two key issues (school work and friendships) that are impacting on everything and have the potential to derail him completely. Maybe these two are key for all teenagers?
School has been difficult from day 1. He was immature socially and behind in terms of fine motor and other preschool skills. (He had seen a speech therapist aged 2 and was always one of the rough and tumble boys. ) He never managed phonics and had to learn to read using Peter & Jane. He never made any real progress at primary - he was 2 years behind but that wasn't enough for any real support.
He was on the SEN register - his behaviour was a problem - disruptive, loud and low level fights. Interestingly he wasn't the worst - in his class there were 3 who were excluded on and off and whose parents were at school far more frequently than us.
Maths was the biggest issue - he couldn't get it and would tear up tests and misbehave in class. We were told the problem was his disruptive behaviour and once he sorted that the work would follow. They did screen for dyslexia using coloured overlays but they made no difference so that was ruled out.
Year 6 came around and he had friends, although being loud and obvious still got the blame a bit. He was always invited to parties (not all of them but enough)
At 13 maths is still a disaster, homework takes hours etc. He got so fed up he asked school to be tested - it came back with an exceptionally poor working memory and processing. However this is not enough for school - we need a formal assessment.
I am tempted to go for an ed psych to get a more rounded opinion rather than just a cognitive assessor, even though the cost is about 3 times as much.
Friends - he's still naive and gullible and keeps falling in with the wrong crowd because he wants friends. Popular boy from primary school who he has been friends with still hangs out with him sometime but from what I can tell this is so he can tease DS about his sh*t shoes (all the others seem to wear Nike Airforce 1s to school) and the fact we have an ancient xbox and not the latest console and the fact DS is a retard because he's in the bottom set. DS sticks it because he's lonely and popular boy is one of a small group doing his favourite activity out of school.
I know DS being loud and a joker will have laughed when someone else is being teased because it's not him. It's a huge school so I have suggested he might try to hang out with some of the less cool kids etc - DS they don't want him either. I sense he has got a bit of reputation.
We have got DS into an after school activity he likes and he gets on with the others but they are older than him so no chance of "hanging out".
I don't know what else we can do on the friends front other than trying to find another after school activity and hope he meets some people there. Also maybe he will realise that his previous behaviour when he has joined in the teasing has not helped.
My biggest fear is him leaving the out of school activity which has done so much for his esteem and confidence because of popular boy. It's a small group and until recently they got on well in this setting but in last few weeks teasing has been transferred to this.
Overall I'd appreciate any thoughts or tips.