How manage/respond to this - seems inappropriate

[DointItForTheKids]

Did post this in Internet Safety but got no replies. Please can people have a look and give me thoughts?

DD is 17 and her mates/fellow students also 17/18 year old's. She's done a particular fairly artistic sport since she was little and does that sport regularly, in front of audiences, in a variety of halls and different types of venue.

Music is involved and there can be PA (public address) technology used between sessions eg microphone-based announcements, compering, some lighting. I'm getting to it I promise! There is an adult who provides the PA/compering/sound system/sound mixing type stuff for these events that are linked to this particular club (so it's not uncommon for him to be at two or three of these a year).

I have NO reason to suspect he's done anything wrong and want to make that very clear. NONE. BUT, I just have a poor feeling about him - I cannot say any more than that. And I just want to figure out what I should do about it, if anything.

I've in the past said to DD, something's off about this guy, I don't like him, watch him.

Things I don't like:

• Either he has friend requested her (this is inappropriate if it is the case, in my opinion), and a number of her friends, or they have friend requested him and he has accepted (inappropriate and foolhardy on his part and he should have more sense - imo)
• Bearing in mind at the event just gone her and her friends are getting changed and re-changed in back several times throughout an event (he wouldn't be there in the changing room obviously, not saying he is) but he is around near the changing rooms or in the warm-up areas prior to the event actually starting. After the most recent event a picture popped up on DDs SM of her on the right, him in the middle, her friend on the left, all with bodies facing forward but heads turned sideways on to the camera (so one person's front was facing another person's back), one knee up with their right hands on the back of the person in front meaning his hand was (fully flat) on my DDs back. Totally 'innocent' photo but again, seems a bit silly on his part and he should be doing his job, not hanging out out back with teenage girls taking goofy pics
• then to support their higher education applications if they chose to go on and study the topic at uni, they had photo's taken by a professional photographer at their club. It's the comments underneath which I don't like both from him - and my DDs response (which I think was made in blind innocence and her not thinking that his comment was a bit shock. He comments on the photo "Now this is special (heart emoji)", she responds "Like you", which he responds with 'embarrased at the praise' emoji. This is picture of her in a leotard and tights by the way being held in a gravity-defying pose by a male sportsperson.

I'm cross with her and will at the very least be saying FFS what an idiotic comment to make to this man, understand boundaries and appropriateness you wally.

But I think the school should be having words (I think they should but I'm really not sure - as I say, I don't THINK he's done anything wrong nor do I know he intends to) but it's a bit skirting the edge of sensible behaviour on his part and I do think, in light of the fact he's 'exposed' to girls this age he should be aware of his own personal risks and taking proper and sensible precautions which include not taking photos with them, not touching them (even just on the back) and not sending them messages like that on FB.

It just got my dander up and the minute I saw it the other night I just wanted to contact him and say "get your hand off my daughter's back" (momma bear force is strong in this one.

Thoughts? I want to reiterate, don't think anything has gone on but I just don't like it, it's off for me, just slightly off. As we know, people who prey on young children/teens often put themselves into jobs where they have access to them (I'm not being paranoid, I'm being realistic). As an example, in Yr 6 a friend's DD received unprovoked highly inappropriate email contact from a man thru Google +/YouTube - he worked as a child's disco DJ....

I'd find it hard to judge, as Insta and Snapchat seem to have their own cultures around commenting on photos and I am not sure if his comment is outside the norm or not, or indeed if the norms are themselves ok. She's 17, ask her is he creepy or inappropriate or is he ok?

"I do think, in light of the fact he's 'exposed' to girls this age he should be aware of his own personal risks and taking proper and sensible precautions which include not taking photos with them, not touching them (even just on the back) and not sending them messages like that on FB. "

this Is there a safeguarding policy within the club or sporting body? My daughter's sport has policies galore on adults working with under 18s and what is allowed and not allowed. The rules are there to protect the adult as much as the young person.

Thanks for responding Eva. I think like a lot of teens she's likely not to realise that he might be being inappropriate or creepy as she's basing it on her own (understandably, based on her age) slightly rose-tinted experiences so far (or it's my cynical warped old fart thinking that's at fault!!). I don't think that a grown man not within our family or in a close relationship to my DD should be saying "oh that's special" and she shouldn't be saying back "like you"; it's naive on her part and I feel currently at the moment, inappropriate on his. She's interacting with him based on her current limited experiences of adult men. I do get what you say that I need to take account of how she feels about it but her 'creepiness detectors' obviously aren't as well-honed at this point.

That's a good point under, I'll ask about policies. Can you recall what sorts of things are in there? I've got a feeling it might cover their own staff and possibly visiting coaches etc, but wonder if it encompasses the sound technician or other similar ancillary type persons associated more with the venue than with the event itself?

Who pays his wages Doinitforthekids?

Just found their policy - it deals only with their staff but it deals with 'typical' child abuse not someone possibly just crossing a line from professional adult who has occasional contact to someone messaging 17 year old's on social media. It mostly relates to what 'volunteers' and 'suppliers of staff' should do to report - nothing that fits within this particular context.

Umm, I think it would be the sports club (it could be the venue as he's always at a certain venue and not always at others but the venue he's at is the one venue that's outside of the usual venues used so I guess it's a case of, we can't do the meet at that venue without outside help, and cue he comes in to do it). So I'd say it's the sports club who would pay his invoice.

This is more in the realms of 'code of conduct' rather than child protection/safeguarding policy if that makes sense. I don't think any abuse has taken place, but I think conduct is not fully appropriate. And a bit naive and risky on his part frankly.

Ask at the club if a session can be held on safeguarding protocols, just to re-iterate and make everyone aware of them iyswim.

Basically, trust your instincts and keep an eye. Too often things happen and many of those around them 'had an idea' or sensed 'something off'.
She's your dd, so speak to her about your concerns, and him if possible. Bring it out into the open...much harder for people to be inappropriate out in the open.

Also, cameras shouldn't even be in areas where children are getting changed. Not even close by. Full stop. So if pictures are being taken 'behind the scenes' then I'd raise that as a safeguarding issue too.

All sounds totally inappropriate to me. I can’t imagine any adult male I know in any capacity behaving in this way around 17/18yr olds.

Trust your instincts.

I imagine Stereo the pics taken were taken by the young people involved, not by this person. It'll be one of the 16/17 yo members of the club who was also there to do an event that day who took it.

I mean, the photo of them standing on one leg, one knee up - it just angers me. I CANNOT understand how he would put himself in such a potentially compromising position (literally) - has he literally no sense of self preservation, caution, or appropriateness?!

Close enough that a flat hand can be placed on my daughter's back and if his lifted bent knee is mm's away from DDs right buttock. It isn't touching her buttock (thankfully for him) but that gives you an idea of the positioning. DDs DFriend is in tight shorts and knee-high socks (they were in warm-up clothes) and she's a gorgeous girl and it's just so so idiotic of the guy to get into a photo like that with her when she was dressed like that - he's not part of the event/competition/he's not a coach.

When they ran up to him as they surely did, all excited by the day they were involved in and said to him "let's do a picture like this!!" surely any normal person would have run a mile?

What I don't want to happen is this blow up on DD and she become hated for 'getting him sacked' or some such sh*t. I'm not saying he's done anything or that he should be sacked but I also think his behaviour is not appropriate and totally lacks caution. Put it like this, if I was working with teens in any capacity, I'd not be friends with them on SM and sending heart emoji's nor interacting with them in this way. He must be nuts.

I think any approach I make to the organisation will come back on DD and she's had some dreadful years through school and only managed now to start building new friendships and I'm not having that destroyed for the actions of this pillock.

I'm thinking the only way might be to write in anonymously.... but even then, to highlight the issues I'd have to show the photos which are of course of her.

You are thinking about this wrong OP!
If you have concerns, raise them!
In a properly run organisation, nothing will come back on anyone. It's in the club's best interests that children are protected, and equally that adults around them are protected from allegations of wrongdoing.

Safeguarding protocols and procedures should protect everyone.

Regarding the cameras, in my sport (boys) we have a no phones in changing rooms policy. Across the board. From U8's to professional level. It doesn't matter who is taking pictures, it's just blanket rule to prevent misuse. Now I know some clubs won't adhere to it (mine does) but the policy is there so clubs have the backing of the sports governing bodies when procedures and protocols are draw up at club level. I would definitely speak to the club about this.

Also, share your concerns. Don't keep.it private for fear of what might happen. You should shine a light on concerns, discuss with other club members/parents, even the guy himself. If he is doing nothing wrong he wont mind as he'll realise that protecting the teens is also protecting himself

Believe me I'm TOTALLY pro reporting absolutely everything - but I cannot (from previous experience) feel confident that not only will my identity remain confidential, but neither will DDs.

And those are valid concerns whether they appear to be or not.

I guess I'm looking for ways I can both report but do so anonymously and am concerned about the fact that I can't, effectively, report without the photo's and this in turn may well identify that it's a person v v close to DD who's reporting and then it would get tied back to her.

I want his awareness raised but I don't necessarily think there's ground to kick him off the piece. Where my child goes, there are no such rules banning phones from the venues that they go to. There should be but there aren't. I also feel if he is as nice as all these kids think, I also do want him protecting himself and he's clearly not doing that at the moment - am imagining the club would be entirely unaware of that unless they happen to be friends with a friend of a friend of one of the kids in the photo or who commented on the photo.

I just cannot figure out the best way to go about it.

Anyone who works with children and young adults should a) have a DBS and b) gone through some kind of safeguarding training.
Through my own safeguarding training as a teacher and a Coach to teenagers, I would be reporting this behaviour either to the Safeguarding Officer if they have one, or to the person who runs the organisation.
It is inappropriate for an adult in his position of responsibility to be accessible for young people to add him on any social media channel as he is putting himself and your DD at risk. He should not be contactable in any 'private' way at all.
I have an agreement with schools I do workshops with that if a student DM's me via Social Media, I will let them know who it is and the basics of what help they are wanting. This is part of the agreement I have in working with schools as young people need to feel they can talk about their worries and fears to an independent party but also that I am bound by Safeguarding too.

You don't need to be anonymous though OP. You need to be the person that shines a the light on the (possibly) inappropriate behaviour.
If you feel it would adversly affect your DD then it doesnt sound like a safe environment, full stop.
Tbh it might not be your dd that needs protecting, it may be someone else's dd.

If it is the sport it sounds like, then they (as a sport) have had safeguarding issues (high profile) in recent years, and the whole organisation/governing bodies will be well aware of that.
You need only to have a discreet word with the club safeguarding officer. Keeping schtum about possible risky behaviour is never the right thing to do

What is he embarrassed by the praise emoji??

Sorry OK, maybe it's called the bashful emoji or something. It's eyes cast down, red face, bit embarrassed at having received praise? No idea what it's called officially!

I havent read all the responses but I used to do a similar (Or it may be the same sport) as your DD when i was her age and younger, Im now 21. I can see this from your point of view, and I suggest you speak to your DD about it, without being too parentlike if that makes sense? Just politely remind her about the risks of the situation, obviously explain to her that you are sure he is not a bad person at all and that you trust her, but if you ever believe he oversteps the mark jn your opinion speak to someone. Mama bear instincts. When i used to compete, our team had a rule where no adult involved in the team was allowed to be friends with anyone under 16 or 18 (I cant remember which) unless it was family or like really close friends etc for that exact reason but im not sure if that would be the same with every team or sport of course. If this is a similar set up to the sport I used to do, I would speak to your teams leaders about it or go higher up if there is an organisation that runs these competitions for the teams?

I do a similar (the same?) sport as an adult competitor and the majority of the events are for kids/teens at competitions. There are clear safeguarding rules in place by the nationwide organizations that set the requirements for competition etc. Adults have our own changing areas and although we warm up with and are supportive of the younger competitiors, we maintain boundaries such as not friending on social media, taking pictures with the kids, posting content that could be misinterpreted. Even our coaches are not allowed to contact their students informally by text message, social media etc as per the national organization's rules.

There is probably nothing in it, but the man is putting himself in a stupid position by doing what he is doing and someone in the club should have a talk with him about what is and isn't appropriate.

Are you inclined to speak to this man directly? You sound to be trying to be very sensible about this and not wanting to over-react but it does seem unusual for him to be putting himself at such risk of having his behaviour misunderstood (if it is all innocent). I think people can be wildly over-dramatic in relation to things like Safeguarding and Health & Safety but there are policies and procedures which should be followed. Are you concerned that if you speak to him he will simply be more careful not to be 'caught' or do you feel he deserves to be advised that he is behaving inappropriately?

I think you also need to have some sort of discussion with the club/sport's safeguarding lead. Although almost adult your DD and her friends seem to be naive about how their images on SM can be used, and abused. Reminding them of boundaries, and how they protect both children and adults, would be useful.

I know someone who does light and sound for a small community theatre as a volunteer but he refuses to do anything where youngsters are involved. Just not worth the aggravation.

So the youth things still go ahead but with limited light and sound capabilities.

Does it matter if he works out the complaint has come from you? Your primary concern should be your Dd and the other young people. He's the one acting like an idiot and you owe him nothing. He's breaking the rules - the rules which exist in every sports organisation - with regards to appropriate conduct when working with under 18s. That's all you need to know. That's all you need to report.

That's exactly the point Under - my concern for MY child AND other children, but primarily in this case, and initially, MY child.

Schools and bodies tend to either a. totally overreact to such matters and go in all guns blazing and OTT or b. do absolutely nothing that reflects when a matter is exceptionally serious. You may have faith that they will do all the right things and respect the need for anonymity (judges do) and understand the enormous impact it could have on the children involved on themselves, from their peers. You are all telling me "you must report it/do something about it" which I fully intend to do, I'm asking how, without revealing that's it's me reporting it when that involvement WOULD have a detrimental impact on my DD having me the known reporter of this matter.

It could and would have significant repercussions on her and I have to figure out how to report it without that happening.

We can't say if he's 'breaking the rules'. He's breaking the rules of common sense and self protection but since the policy of the club states absolutely NOTHING about external suppliers or random people who may wander in off the street, he may not be on that score. I don't really care about whatever rules or policies they have in place anyway, not particularly, I care that he's overstepping the mark and believe me, I intend to do something about it. I've said that several times.

However due to the nature of the people photographed, my DD will be identified as will her friend(s) - that is a given. Whilst I'm happy for the club to handle it, it absolutely cannot come back to ME as it will cause a shitstorm for DD - you can understand that can't you? A person who mentors 17 yo boys and who they apparently adore? Getting kicked off all future gigs by my DDs mother - do you honestly think that wouldn't have hugely negative repercussions on her?!! Come on.

She has anxiety, she's had some very difficult and lonely years at school and I'm NOT putting that in jeopardy for her by going in all guns blazing and her and all her friends knowing that it was "your mum's got him sacked!". If he's going to be reprimanded, made to unfriend all students from his SM etc, I'm totally happy with that, but only if done where the connection between the reporting person and the 'victims' remains known only to me and to the investigating persons, but is not known to the 'victims' - do you know what I'm saying? If you cannot see that this is a part of my protection of my DD then I can't explain it any more than this. I understand my responsibilities very well and fully intend to discharge them.