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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

Reading Festival - DS17

21 replies

DoubleDaffodil · 22/03/2019 18:00

DS17 really wants to go. Last summer he went to another festival, we found out afterwards he had taken MDMA, Ket & smoked weed. He lied until we showed him the evidence.

He's been really well behaved since then, I am thinking he should be allowed to go on condition that he continues to behave well & gets good results in his summer exams.

DH is very conflicted. Thoughts please, preferably from parents who have direct experience of dealing with these issues.

OP posts:

Andrea1234567 · 22/03/2019 22:10

Tricky OP.

Is he a frequent user of any of the above drugs, or what does he think of the drugs from his last experience at reading? (Did he enjoy them, regret taking?)

Andrea1234567 · 22/03/2019 22:12

If it was a one time experience, I'd probably let him go, but warn him he could be tested if he is suspicious

Original poster

DoubleDaffodil · 23/03/2019 07:11

He is a risk taker, no question. He hasn't done drugs since he was busted 5 months ago, as far as I am aware, but we have kept him on a tight leash.

But I do feel we need to give him a chance to prove we can trust him again. All his friends are going and most of them are sensible.

Testing him afterwards is a great idea.

OP posts:

sandgrown · 23/03/2019 07:19

Just out of interest how would you test your DS?

Firefliess · 23/03/2019 07:22

Tricky. I have said DD can go to reading this year - end of Y11. Lots of her friends are going. But like your son, she's a risk taker and I've found her in possession of a small amount of cannabis recently which worries me (not so much the cannabis tbh, more that she'd try other drugs if she had the chance)

How easy is it to do home drug testing? But if you do that how do you counter the "you don't trust me" pleas?

If you make it conditional on good grades will it still be possible to buy tickets by then?

anniehm · 23/03/2019 07:25

Dd is going as an a levels/going to university gift but with a very trustworthy group of friends and they all know they are being drug tested in September! (military) bit worried about booze quantities but they look out for each other

Original poster

DoubleDaffodil · 23/03/2019 10:38

You can buy online drug testing kits.

Firefliess he has school grades coming out a week. The deal is if he shows improvement in them, he can buy a ticket.

But actually going to the festival will be conditional on good exam results in the summer term - he can sell the ticket on if he needs to.

DS is keen to prove he is trustworthy so he may support the testing idea.

OP posts:

ReggieWoo · 23/03/2019 10:39

How did you find out last time?

I'd want to let him go to or

ReggieWoo · 23/03/2019 10:40

Too early.

To let him know we trust him again but I'd be worried about the MDMA as it can go so terribly wrong.

PotteringAlong · 23/03/2019 10:41

I would say no. He blew it when he took fairly hard core drugs.

Original poster

DoubleDaffodil · 23/03/2019 10:42

Found weed & evidence of other drugs in his room. Made him hand over his phone & found lots of messages between him & his mates arranging to buy stuff to take to a festival last summer.

OP posts:

waterrat · 23/03/2019 20:25

Honestly - I think he is now at an age where you can't control this!

When I was 16 I went to festivals and took drugs - as did many kids I know. It was a normal part of teen development - I think I would have been a lot better off if I had been able to talk about it more honestly with my parents. I'm now 41 by the way - so this is a long standing teenage issue - I was pretty out of control as a teen but am a very normal adult!

I have a lot of experience in this area - and I really wish parents would be a bit more realistic. He is going to go to Uni soon and you won't be there to watch him. At 17 he needs to learn to make decisions himself.

Talk to him about the dangers of drugs - but also be aware that drugs are enjoyable and fun - if you don't admit that or look at it openly he won't believe or trust you when he finds out the good bits - it's better he goes to the festival and thinks FOR HIMSELF about why taking lots of drugs might be bad for his health.

He has several years ahead of him - 17 to 25 lets say - when he is going to have lots of opporutnities to take drugs and you won't be there to stop him. I would just hand the reigns to him and try to instill some sensible decision making in him.

waterrat · 23/03/2019 20:28

And by the way - MDMA Is one of the safest drugs you can take. There are drug testers at many major festivals now that allow people to test their pills. If the pill is mostly MDMA - it's safe - unless it's way over the normal amount.

But it is not in itself a dangerous drug. The numbers of people who have died from MDMA is tiny - drinking too much is far more dangerous - many young people end up hospitalised every single night in the UK because of alcohol poisoning or alcohol related injuries.

I really think the idea of drug testing a 17 year old rather than let them get on with their life and learn to make their own decisions is pretty sad.

Taking a bit of MDMA is not the end of the world - particularly if they learn to control what they take, make sensible decisions and not drink too much alcohol.

Ketamine is a pretty horrible drug - but if you are prepared to be open and honest you might be able to look at the subtle differences between these drugs without saying 'oh they are all terrible'....

PearlyPinkNails · 23/03/2019 21:38

My friend whose DD died after taking MDMA would disagree that it's a safe drug to take.

18 and beautiful and dead after a moment of madness.

I don't care how tiny the percent is who die, and neither does she.

One was too many, let alone the amount there's been over the last few years.

Good luck with your DS, OP. Hopefully he's worthy of your trust now.

PearlyPinkNails · 23/03/2019 21:40

Taking a bit of MDMA is not the end of the world

Except it was. For my friend and her DD.

HabbyHadno · 23/03/2019 21:44

No way!! You gave him a chance and he let you down.

Firefliess · 23/03/2019 21:48

That's really interesting to hear waterat Do you have teenagers you've managed these conversations with yourself yet? I'm like you in that I wasn't unacquainted with various drugs in my youth. But I'm really struggling with how to have an open conversation with 15 year old DD about drugs as I fear that by telling her the truth I'd be kind of normalising it and implying anything I took is ok.

I'm really conflicted about whether to encourage open conversation and focus on harm reduction or come down with clear cut rules and drug testing.

My DD is only 15.5 though (16 in August) I'd agree OP that at 17 you're running out of time when you have any chance of controlling him

waterrat · 24/03/2019 07:27

Firefly - no my children are not teenagers yet - ..I remember the 'talk to Frank ' campaign of the late 90s - I'm sure these are available still online - the advice then was very much about information and harm reduction.

@pearlypinknails I"m very very sorry to hear that.

But - teenagers die in cars, they die from alcohol - you have to be honest and realistic with them about risk. The reason it is better to be honest is that if you say - take drugs and you might die - and then what they see around them is people taking pills/ e's and just having loads of fun with no repercussions - your advice will not seem realistic to them.

Also - the expert advice is to be honest and advise harm reduction - like seeking help immediately and drinking water /not mixing drugs etc - if you give them that sort of advice they will be more likely to tell you or another safe adult if they are worried about something.

IF a 17 year old says no to drugs at Reading because his parents might catch him - and then he gets to Uni - what decision making process is he going through? I'm not saying it's easy as a parent because you want to protect them from harm!

And yes it's horrific and terrifying to think of teens putting unknown substances inside them = but they will be adults soon and they need to look at things with completely realistic understanding of risk.

waterrat · 24/03/2019 07:29

Just to add - though none of my friends suffered harm from drugs in the 'poisonous' sense - I had two very close friends who suffered serious mental health problems linked to drug taking. So serious that the problems lasted for years.

So for me my real fear with my teen would be the mental health impact - and I will be brutal in what I tell them about what I saw happen to my friends - but that was not from single use of drugs - it was from abuse and over-enjoyment of drugs over months and not knowing when to stop - as well as smoking far too much weed.

That is a bigger risk than sudden death.

PearlyPinkNails · 24/03/2019 11:28

@waterrat you're right and I didn't mean to be so black and white but as you can imagine it's been a huge shock and such a terrible waste.

Good luck with your DS OP.

Original poster

DoubleDaffodil · 24/03/2019 12:16

Thanks waterrat and I think I agree with most of what you say. There's not much we can do to control him and in a matter of months he will be 18 anyway.

The thing is we have always been very open & discussed drugs very frankly as a family, which is why it hurt so much to be lied to by DS when we found out what he'd been up to. I thought we communicated better as a family, and I was wrong.

He is well informed about the different effects & risks of different drugs and when we caught him out we checked his internet history and he had been looking at the Frank website, which shows some degree of responsibility, I guess.

I also have been directly affected by another young person who has had very bad, life-changing mental health issues brought on by drug-taking at university, so I know you cannot dismiss it as being "low-risk". It's not risk free, as PearlyPinkNails says.

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