getting teens to take ownership

[SileneOliveira]

my oldest has just turned 16, and is hurtling towards exams this spring. He is driving me absolutely crazy. He will not take ownership of his study or indeed anything else.

Case in point - school are putting on special revision sessions during the easter holidays, limited places, first come first served for booking. I only hear about this through another mother who I bumped into by chance. Asked DS about it, he claims not to have been told. Everyone else has been told, not sure what makes him so special. So he's now missed out because others got in first. If asked "planning on studying tonight?" the answer is "if you want me to". Constant explanations about how it's not about me, we've passed our exams, got our degrees. It's about him.

He's also doing D of E and won't take ownership of that either. He's supposed to be learning to cook for his skill section. He's done a couple of things but hasn't mentioned it in weeks and I've stopped prompting.

He refuses to "do" social media so is not in the loop with a lot of school things in the way his younger sister is. Which is fine, but not when you;re missing out on important information being passed around.

He is driving me nuts.

I was like him. I often missed information because I was in my own world.

I think some kids just aren't ready at 16...they're not all the same OP and you might have got your degree but he's not you.

It won't be the end of the world if he doesn't get his act together for a few years. I was 23 before I was ready to do a degree.

Had I gone sooner, I'd have probably wasted both time and money.

When my husband did battle with one of ours about the state of their bedroom she said/screeched “I don’t do drugs, I don’t smoke, I don’t sleep around, I don’t even come home pissed and vomit on the stairs. I work incredibly hard and get outstanding results. Your problem with me is an untidy bedroom, have I got that right?” She made a fair point.

He doesn’t sound like a seriously bad lad just a normal teenage boy. It is beyond frustrating sometimes but I’d let go of the notion of him taking responsibility for himself. Their brains simply don’t work that way yet. If achievement is important to you (and it was for us) then you have to ignore advice to let him take responsibility and drag him screaming and kicking towards success.

DofE is important, nobody is bothered or I’m impressed by it these days and he’s got until he’s 25 to complete Gold. Learning to cook is valuable though- so make him cook supper one day a week.

School work is important so put the thumbscrews on there. Ask school for their revision timetable. Book an online tutor to structure his own revision. Send him to revision boot camp, if you can afford it. Check his books like a reception aged child. Our son who struggled towards maturity in LVI (which we could easily have dismissed as him being anxious about my chemo at the time ) was dragged towards academic achievement with a very firm grip by both us and the school. Despite his best efforts to fail, he surprised himself with the 4 A grades we set as his target. Five years later he tells us he is grateful but that we weren’t tough enough!

I would let the DOE go,I don't think it matters nearly as much as a lot of parents think.Good if they want to do it,but if they are not that bothered I certainly wouldn't push it.
Otherwise it is a balancing act,my heart says leave them to get on with it,but my head says they need a hand,or can do depending on individual maturity
And yes if they are not getting into bother,drinking etc ,that is a good
You sound like a caring mum and that goes for a lot

If he's not interested in study, get him to get a part time job and contribute half the earnings to the family. And do as many chores around the house as you and your DH do. As a pp said he might get himself together later, but there's no excuse for lazing around the house contributing nothing and learning no life skills.

What conversations have you had with him about exam time before? Does he have exam anxiety so is just avoiding it altogether? Does he want a college course or apprenticeship where he knows he will qualify for regardless of doing any extra work? Is he avoiding thinking about his future for some reason? Has he had any traumatic experiences in his past which prevent him from wanting to know about his future?

Conversation is really important at this age and its important for you as a parent to ask without any accusatory tone etc as it's so easy for them to take the wrong end of the stick when parents ask questions right?

Ditch the DofE for a start. It's a myth that any university is remotely influenced by the fact that an applicant has done DofE.

achievement is important to you (and it was for us) then you have to ignore advice to let him take responsibility and drag him screaming and kicking towards success
This^^

16 year old boys can be very, very immature. He will get there eventually but if you step back and let him fail now it will be harder for him later. Try a combination of carrot and stick.

It all takes time, that's all
They all grow up eventually
I never let the ds's do DOE cos I knew the bloody thing would fall to me and I cannot be arsed

Also with social media kids these days have unimaginable pressures, don't make life harder for him than it needs to be

He sounds like my son who just about got through GCSE. He was young, immature and a bit overwhelmed. Make sure he gets Maths and English. My son is now doing A levels - I wouldn't say the most organised student but you can see it gradually coming together.