Depressed, self harming 13 year old

[Luella29]

DD told me a few months ago that she has self harmed. Thankfully she wasn't seriously hurt and with her permission we went straight to the doctors who referred her to CAMHS. We have an initial appointment in April which I think is to determine what service we get referred to next. She said she felt we were paying more attention to her sisters so we made some changes to get her out of her room at weekends, including removing all social media and all seemed much better. It's really frustrating as we try and include her but she just wants to moap about in her room.

I told her school who tbh haven't offered any help. They just said they would ask the teachers not to let her out alone during lesson time but there was no offer of counselling etc. Maybe I expected too much.

It all seemed to have calmed down until last week. I had asked her not to tell her friends as I didn't think they would be sympathetic. Dd is in year 8 and had a wobbly start to year 7 with friends so this group of friends is quite new. Unfortunately, dd had told one of her friends who in turn told her mum. The mum then sent dd messages via her DD's phone saying she felt they shouldn't hang out with each other anymore and the friend cut dd out of the group by refusing to speak to her. The girls all chose the other girl so dd is now sitting alone at break and lunch time which is making things much worse. The mum also reported the self harming to the head of year but she knew already from me. It hasn't made any difference to the lack of support dd gets at school.

I found a diary in DD's room last night which was full of feelings of self hate and saying she had no friends etc. She is constantly saying people don't like her, she doesn't 'get' people and she finds noise in the school overwhelming. She thinks she's depressed. The last date in the diary is just over a week ago and she says shes self harmed. I haven't seen any marks on her and when I ask her she says she hasn't.

I just don't know what to do. I have no one to talk too. I spoke to my mum who suggested it was my fault for giving her too much. my DH is fairly dismissive of it as teen angst, but after seeing this diary I'm worried. Even more so now she's alone so much. The trouble seems to be dd though, as the friend is talking to dd as I've read messages on her phone, but DD is adament she'll be polite to her but doesn't want to hang out as she can't trust her. There is more to it with this girl as this is the 4th time dd has been ignored by this girl without any obvious reason. I've tried to tell dd that sometimes it's worth putting things behind you as otherwise she's cutting her nose off to spite her face so to speak. She's making the choice to isolate herself and the feels miserable. I just don't understand it. She has a lovely life, we do out best and she doesn't have any problems but she still feels this way.

DD has always has had difficulties with friendships since year 5. She pretty much had no friends in year 6 and then in year 7 made friends with a very troubled girl. They were pretty exclusive despite us telling her to mix and dd was devastated when the girl left. That meant she started again in year 8 in terms of friends. I thought she was doing really well with this group with the exception of this one girl who intermittently cuts dd out of the group by ignoring her. I have told dd to calm down a bit as he's very intense. She seems to want a best friend who will be as loyal as she is and just doesn't seem to understand friendships and cannot understand why this girl betrayed her trust by telling her mum. She says people like her when they first meet her but then they go off her and she doesn't know why. The school is set up in a way that despite having 7 groups in each year, they have most of their lessons with the same group. I asked the school if she could change groups as she finds her class very noisy and I thought maybe she needs to mix, but they said no. I know the last time she was isolated from her group that she tried to join other groups of girls but they wouldn't let her.

Do you think a change of school would help? She is at a girls school which she doesn't like. But she also had similar problems in her mixed primary school. I'm just not sure changing school will make much difference as it doesn't deal with the underlying cause.

Sorry, that is long!

I meant 'really'

I must have really meant it

Does the small private school have good pastoral care? I’d consider it and maybe ‘re contract’ with her.
•We’re doing this because last school was such a bad fit and because you’d got into a rut with friends being unkind and isolating you.
Whether or not the school change goes ahead...
•Make good MH a priority at home for everyone. Sleep hygiene, exercise, talking, positivity and productivity (your DH will like this 🙄)
•Encourage emotional literacy- ‘I’m fine’ coupled with isolating isn’t ok, if she doesn’t want to open up to you, find someone else, an auntie older friend, new peer group via activity.
•Supervise her SM- no tumblr and shared Instagram and Facebook logins- one you can see in real time.
•maybe share with her that sh is contagious in friendship groups, the other parents felt they were protecting their daughters, engender a sense of responsibility for others as well as self in her.

you sound like a lovely mum.

Yes, I believe so Etino. It prides itself on being inclusive and caring which is what attracted us to it. It's certainly not a hot house which would be the opposite of what DD needs. I'm sure it would be seen as quite 'alternative' on MN.

We've removed SM as she only had Instagram anyway so she's not that bothered about it.

Hi Luella,
Sorry you're having trouble with your DD. It happened to us and is the worst thing to date that our family has had to deal with.
My DD started self harming 2 years ago. Her school was really good and recommended a counsellor, looked out for her, etc. She still goes to CAMHS regularly to see a psychologist and after a year opted to go on anti depressants. She was diagnosed with depression and anxiety.
She is now just about to take GCSE's and this has spiked her anxiety levels, but I would say that things are about 70% better now. She hasn't self harmed for a few months, but has permanent scars on her arms that will be with her for life.
She goes to a small private school which has been fantastic for pastoral care. She has an eclectic group of friends from her own and different year groups, but it has taken her a long time to find them, even though there isn't a huge 'pool' of people to choose from. She is very far removed from the 'popular' group.
Good luck - you sound like you're doing all the right things. Just make sure that you (and other family members) are also getting support through this - it really knocked me sideways...

Regarding autism look at the triad of impairments. Lack of empathy with ASD is a bit of a myth. My son is autistic and copes with change with no issues.

@Luella29 Autism is a massive spectrum and a lack of empathy can be a marker for some but not all as each have their own superpowers and fall downs.

The focus needs to be on DD getting the help she needs. If she has an appointment with CAMHS they won't offer a service if she already has counselling etc as some therapies conflict in the way they work.

If the school is doing things for Mental Health they should have some sort of Health and Wellness Ambassador (title maybe different) and there maybe a group at school she can join and talk to.

If she self harms before the CAMHS appointment definitely phone the CAMHS helpline for further advice.

Keep talking about a whole load of other things, if the focus is constantly on how she feels or if she has self harmed it will be uncomfortable for her and she is more likely to want to self harm again.

Once you get to the CAMHS appointment you can ask about an assessment for ASD but the primary focus here is that she is self harming and what the root cause behind that is.

Thank you for the useful advice. I managed to get her to go out with a friend yesterday. She seemed a bit down when she got back, but she was very tired.

As awful as it sounds to say this it really helps to hear other people have gone through it. It's such a taboo that no one talks about it.

She would have only had an introductory counselling session before the CAMHS appointment so I think I'll go ahead with both but not say anything to CAMHS. It's an initial appointment to decide if we need other services so I am pretty sure it won't matter. If they say the wait for counselling is a few months then I'll declare I've found something else at that point. I am assuming I can speak to them about ASD as a seperate issue from the counselling.

I managed to get DH to talk about it as the weekend. He's playing the whole thing down and thinks it's just 'teen angst' but I've told him he needs to step up. I found a diary with some pretty disturbing entries in, but none for the last 2 weeks or so. DD doesn't know I've seen it, but she's also not made any attempt to hide it so I wonder if she wanted me to see it. Do you think I should photograph it and send it to the counsellor? It just gives a really good picture of my concerns. Obviously I'll ask her not to say anything.

I took dd out for breakfast on Saturday and said something about her friends at a school and she said 'what friends. I don't have any.' so that is definitely an issue. I delved a bit and she said "I don't get people. I don't understand why they're always falling out with others and being bitchy over stupid stuff. It's illogical." The problem is I do feel she expects such high standards of others, because she herself has high standards and when they let her down she writes people off. But it's not helping her because she ends up isolated. Even if she changed schools it doesn't mean these issues will go away. The private school we've seen makes a big thing out of being kind but at the end of the day people are people.