Struggling with emotional abuse from my teenage daughter

[NadeFC]

My 14 year old daughter goes into melt downs when she's angry..
She's having therapy for something she's gone through and that's going really good.

She swears at me, get told to f off, shut the f up, bit*ch, hate you

We used to have such a loving relationship but since she turned 13.. it's gone from bad to worse.

Advice please to get us back on track..
Thank you

My DD is a couple of years behind so I can't really be of any use sorry.

My DSIL swears by this book if that's of any help

It’s not emotional abuse, she’s hurting and she’s lashing out at you because you are her rock and her safe place. She has to hold it together the rest of the time, so when she’s at home she flips out because a) she’s a kid and doesn’t know how to deal with her emotions and b) she knows that she can.

That’s not to say it isn’t hideous and tough and awful for you at all, I’m not minimising how it makes you feel. But that age is so difficult even without past history. Have you considered going to therapy with her? So you can both open up and work through whatever is affecting her together? Obviously she would still need to go alone to work through things but it might really help.

I was very like this as a teen, and my parents just withheld love and ignored me and excluded me from family life. It just made it so much worse. I honestly think that if we’d had therapy together it would have helped so much.

Im 18 now but when I was 13/14 my relationship with my parents was awful!

I honestly treat them so bad and looking back at it they did the right thing to support me know matter what I did or said to them. They just acted like everything was okay, they didn't hold anything against me and just let things go...

Just try not to shout at her (I know it's hard) but my mum also use to write me letters because it's easier to talk that way, maybe try that? Let her know you're always there to talk to or simply listen and include in the letter that if she thinks writing it down in a note how she feels is easier than talking then she can do that!

Just know ITS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! The way I treated my mum was nothing to do with her, I was having problems of my own and felt quite down, tried hiding my emotions and that caused me to lash out at the slightest of things!

You can do it I promise! I know it's hard but just don't give up or get angry at her as like I said she's probably feeling very down and doesn't know how to cope with her emotions, try not to smother her to much, if she needs her space let her have it, it does NOT mean she doesn't love you with all her heart! Your relationship with her will 100% get better!! I now want to spend everyday with my mum, going out, playing games and having a good chat! She won't be like it forever I promise!

Also I don't know what she went through but when I was 13 (before the arguments started) I was admitted to hospital with a suicide attempt, this is when everything went bad because when I came out I carried so much shame and embarrassment and that was something else I was hiding, which let to more out bursts and conflict as it was a way out from talking about things. At that age it's easier to shout than talk. Just know she loves you and it gets better!

13-14 years old was tough - life turned to shit - people told me that was just how it was but I was determined to fix it, my twins went through it in slightly different ways but they both needed me to change how I parented because they were growing up and I needed to catch up to where they were going.
I realised I was inflaming the situation by fighting back and demanding more submission than they were willing to give. I changed my approach - I stopped arguing back, I calmly explained that I did not wish to be spoken to like that and I wouldn't re-engage with them until they could speak to me normally again. It takes a while for them to learn to gain control of their emotions and to realise that sometimes they need space to calm down and that you'll be there to discuss whatever it is when they are ready. And I tried not to take their outbursts personally although sometimes I did and I told them I was feeling hurt and I needed some time to feel ok again. They are 15 now and honestly they are amazing 99% of the time.