How to deal with moodiness.

[knobblykneesandturnedouttoes]

Hi, does anyone have any advice or words of wisdom to help me through this phase with my almost 14 year old son. He's a genuinely lovely lad, caring, hard working, never in trouble. But maybe once a week he has these days when he's just so moody, snappy, eyes rolling, impatient, sarcastic comments, huffing and puffing at simple requests.

I can usually sense this in him just from his face and voice, as I've just done today when he came home from school. I asked how his day was, and was met with grunts and complaining. I asked if something was wrong and he said he was tired. (Snapped rather than said) Told him maybe it's best he went to his room for time alone if he wants to clear his head, get a drink, snack etc. And he agreed but then stamped up the stairs and slammed his door.

Now I absolutely know this is a completely normal phase, almost certainly due to hormones. I went through it myself, but remember very well that I always put a brave face on and was never rude or moody with my parents. He clearly is struggling more than I ever did so it's hard to know what to do.

So how do/did you handle it? Ignore it? Call him out when he's rude? He just rubs me up the wrong way so badly when he's like this. Unable to admit that anything is wrong. For example now I know he's feeling this way, but I really need him to bring his washing down and put a load on, but really don't want to upset him further. But that seems like treading on eggshells, which I don't want to do either.

Help.

Sorry, didn't anticipate that it would turn into an essay

I pretend I haven't noticed and give dd some space. Later I ask if she's ok or wants to talk about anything. Seems to work for us.

Once you have made it clear that they are loved, and they can talk to you any time, have offered good and drink, do NOT try and follow after them down the tunnel of gloom. Distance yourself a bit. Attend to your own matters. Ignore the moodiness. Give them space.

He will come around!

Sympathies though, its very wearing

Btw; we have an agreement that DD has to bring her washing down to the laundry room door every Friday after school. (Or leave stuff there at any other time if she wants it washed sooner.). It avoids arguments (most of the time!).

Yeah the washing isn't really a problem, he does it all himself on Friday evening and Saturday morning. No arguments at all. But he hasn't done it yet and I know that me reminding him will piss him off 😂. Doesn't matter as he can just do one load tomorrow and one on Sunday instead.

It's just normally if he hadn't started it by now, I would've reminded him. Today I don't feel I can do that.

I think I will try the ignore and pretend it hasn't happened strategy.
But I also don't want him to feel I don't care about how he feels.

Well I just tentatively popped my head round the door and asked how he was. He's in bed, room dark, looks like he's been crying 'fine' was the answer. Obviously not fine but ok, I closed the door and said let me know when you're ready for dinner.

I'd take him in a nice hot chocolate and something to eat. I wouldn't expect him to come downstairs to eat a meal when he's clearly upset.

Don't keep probing for answers either, just rub his back and let him know you're there for him and leave him to come to you when he's ready.

Teens are dealing with so much these days. I hate to think what goes on in their heads with all the pressure of social media and school now.

We have had a lot of this over the years. What about offering a 1:1 trip to the cinema this weekend? Sometimes that tempts them back into civilisation.

We already have a lot of 1:1 time. He does go out and about with me, and his friends. This is just every now and again, not an ongoing every day occurrence. Was just wondering what has worked for others while the moodiness is actually happening. There's no issue day to day.

He is fine now. Came down when he was hungry and we had tea and watched TV together. It's just hard to know what he needs while he's feeling like that. Hot chocolate and a rub on his back would not help him, as he doesn't want to interact or be around me at these times.

I think I will talk to him tomorrow and ask him what he wants me to do when he's like that.

The thing that works best with my DD is I ask if she needs anything, she pretty much always says no and then I tell her I’m here if she does. I then leave her to it.
It’s so hard and annoying when they’re like that but they have to go through it. Good luck.

Don't rise to it and keep telling yourself it is just a phase!

How does everyone deal with it when you can't leave them alone. For example if you're out as a family and suddenly the teenager turns moody or snappy, bringing you and other family members down with them? That's pretty hard to ignore.

With my Son nothing ever happens to initially set him off, it literally comes out of nowhere.

Talk to him when he’s all fine. Tell him that it’s normally to feel upset and annoyed and that being 14 is really hard. But that when he feels annoyed you’d like him to take himself calmly to his room and calm down there. Tell him if he forgets you’ll give him a reminder and a warning and if he continues there will be a consequence later. He won’t like himself when he’s like this which is why it’s good for him to have a plan to follow when it happens. If he starts stropping around give him a reminder of the plan and warn him.

Tell him that when you’re out if he gets a strop on that he will get a quiet warning to get a grip and then if he continues there will be a consequence at home later.

Then let him make his choices and follow through with them. Being consistent is really hard but if you can calmly follow through in a kind way then he will manage himself better.

There’s a great book called Blame My Brain written for teenagers is an easy read but great to give everyone some understanding of what’s happening.

Just got back to this thread and wanted to say when I posted below
I didn't realise your ds was upset to the extent he was crying in a darkened room . My tips about giving him space were meant for a teen who was just being ordinarily grumpy ifyswim.

I think in your ds's case op, I'd be a bit more interventionist. Hope he is ok and this is just "normal" teenage angst but maybe worth looking at the Young Minds website, or ringing for advice if you are worried?

Oh and wrt the question when we are out in public/in a group I usually try and jolly them out of it with humour/bribery/sympathising but if none of that works then I have a quiet but serious private word about how their behaviour is spoiling things for others. It doesn't always work tbh and then you just have to ignore for a bit I think. Sometimes it does help though (especially the humorous approach).

Do you have the book "Get out of my life but first drive me and Alex in to town" (or something like that )? It's helpful to a degree.

Finally, just constantly reiterate how much you love them (however much you don't love their behaviour at that moment) as a teen's default setting seems to be "everyone is against me" - even well intentioned advice can be taken that way. - and as is often said on here, when a teen's behaviour is at its worst, they probably need you the most.

Very fine line/difficult judgement as to how much to back off or intervene though. Bit of a nightmare in fact!

I don't think it was anything to particularly worry about, although I will chat tomorrow with him, and try and find out if something else is going on. Like I said, he was his normal self an hour later, and we had a pleasant evening.

I'm not certain he had been crying, as he'd obviously had decided to lay down and I didn't want to intrude so just popped my head in for a moment. His eyes were red. Possibly just tired and frustrated, or possibly he'd had a few tears after going upstairs. He certainly wasn't sobbing and I didn't see any tears.

I just remember how down I used to get and I hate that he's feeling like that. Lucky I suppose that it's only occasionally and not always like this.

You're right, it's very difficult to judge. And so easy to make things worse.

Easier said than done but try not to worry op. You are obviously a very concerned parent and he knows you are there for him. He is lucky to have you. I think we can get in to a negative spiral of being anxious/frustrated with teens (I know I do with my dd) and then they start reacting to our stress about them ifyswim.

Yes absolutely, it's a very trying time. I definitely think I make him worse, just by trying to make things better. Need to try taking a breath and pretend not to notice next time.