15 yo so rude to me

[lovely123]

Hi,

Just that really, the rudeness usually starts from nothing, tonight I asked him if there are any after-school activities he can look into doing on Thursday nights, he replied with a stern, No, I then said, are you sure, is it worth checking? That is it, he asked me if I had heard him the first time and to stop talking!
On another occasion, he told me to stop talking to him as I was making his head hurt.
He can actually be really lovely too, he does do what I ask him to around the house mostly but has literally no interest in interacting with the rest of the family which consists of his dad and 2 sisters.
This rudeness is becoming too much and frequent now, I have tried managing it with a combination of being stern and giving him the silent treatment but nothing seems to work and it starts up soon after.
A friend has suggested I take his phone/devices away, but how am I supposed to do that, if I even suggest something like that it ends up in a massive argument and for the sake of the other 2 younger siblings I tend to avoid that confrontation as it upsets them.
Worth mentioning that DH is away at the moment so it is harder to manage but any advice welcome please.

Sounds pretty normal tbh. Why do you want him to do an activity on Thursday? Because you'll be working? Does he do other activities because it sounds like he is tired and doesn't want to do any more and felt you were pressuring him and not listening to him saying that he doesn't want to do a Thursday activity.

I remember my mum doing the same kind of nagging and getting angry when I accused her of nagging. 'I was just asking' no you were nagging

Taking devices is a good idea. Even if it starts a huge fight it will get the point across. Every time he tells add a day of it being taken, if he won't hand them over, just have it all disconnected. He will work it out eventually.

That sounds like a whole lot of nothing to me.
Leave him be.

I do n’t think you can expect him to be polite if you give him the silent treatment. It is actually a form of emotional abuse. Maybe you should not expect him to want to take part in family life

Don’t take it personally. It’s not you, it’s him.

I have one of those. I need to provide snacks (the right snacks of course) give him freedom and turn a blind eye to the swearing and the pile up of crockery that follows him around the house.

He is also very lovely, affectionate, good company and funny.

I’m not going to spend my time battling him. We have rules, he knows what they are. He can shout all he likes when the WiFi turns off at 10.30 and he’s in the middle of something, or when there’s no pocket money because he hasn’t done his jobs.

Taking devices away will just lead to confrontation, and at this age that can be very upsetting for us. I remind DS that i pay the contracts, and I can stop doing that at any time. Devices at this age are all about socialising and cutting off that lifeline to their friends is the very worst, cruel and most unreasonable thing that can happen to them (in their eyes).

The way I look at it is that they are going through a period of huge development, physically and emotionally. It’s like having massive, hairy toddlers sometimes and they have frustration driven tantrums. I always stepped over him then, and I will continue to ignore them now.

They come out the other side.

Also, I notice a dip in DSs behaviour when he hasn’t seen his dad for a while (we’re divorced).

All good advice, thanks.
I do need to back off from time to time and yes we have rules and he mostly adheres to them (tries his luck on some occasions).

O4FS - do you have an app to turn off wifi or do you just unplug the router? I have tried that but he just defaults to using his data.

I think with teenagers it’s very much a case of “choose your battles wisely” and “don’t sweat the small stuff”!
It’s a time of great change for all of you. They’re going through the hormonal and emotional roller coaster of puberty and becoming young adults, which sadly has to include a phase of temporarily rejecting you and rebelling against parental authority.
And you are in a process of having to gradually let go the reins and accept that your dear little child is growing up and needs space to make their own mistakes, etc.
You will all come out the other side and have a different, and in many ways more satisfying, relationship as two adults rather than mum/child.
A sense of humour and some mutual affection and respect will go a long way to helping you both through the transition.
Keep your eye on the future, and don’t alienate your son by petty or unnecessary restriction in the present. Have few rules, but sensible and justifiable ones. He’s more likely to keep them if he appreciates the reason for them.
Good luck, OP!

I have this BT whole home thing which you can see what device is connected where, and you can turn them off either by setting bedtimes or by device using an app on my phone.

Their phone contracts have very limited data

I have a 17yo too. Never had any of this with him, always very compliant. DS2, different personality entirely! All those things that drive me up the wall are the same things that make me know he will go far in life! 😊

2 examples of not much tbh

What a lovely post @Babdoc - all very wise and true.

They are also massively insecure. With the rejection of us comes a need for acceptance with their peers. But they need us more than ever, even if it’s to push against.

If you still see that lovely boy and get the hugs from time to time, you are doing ok I think!

This is

This is pretty normal behaviour, but I try to focus on direct consequences rather than irrelevant punishments. Ds hates repeating himself and gets very grumpy and sometimes a bit rude about it (teenage boys mumble) - so following a time when he's rude, when he's asking for something I sometimes ignore what he says, he'll repeat himself when it's something he wants and say I couldn't quite hear you and I'll say in a jokey way I didn't want to ask you to repeat yourself because I know how much you hate that.
Also when they speak to me in a rude way, I will mention that I expect to be spoken to with respect - in the same way I speak to them with respect - if it continues I'll withdraw favours and nice treats and if it's really bad the pocket money will go too. I don't confiscate phones or ground them - the punishment is too drawn out a creates bad feeling and unless it was directly related to the issue at hand it's not relevant.