I messed up big time (essay, sorry)

[Coffeeessential]

I haven't posted here for a long time but wondered whether a few mums wiser than me might be able to offer some words of advice.

Our daughter is 15 in June. Ours has always been a close family and I have always been extremely close to my mum mainly, followed by my Nan. My daughter too was always extremely close to my mum, it was lovely to see how special their relationship was. My Mum was severely damaged by a horrible childhood and never really recovered from the anorexia that started when she was 16. This caused many serious health problems for her when I was in my late teens and from then on.

Our daughter has never been an easy child - she was referred for testing for Aspergers syndrome when she was eight or nine because her behaviour was so challenging. Through it all - including my PND- my mum was always there; she couldn't always help but she was a constant, comforting presence and my best friend.

My Mum passed away in February 2017, only nine months after my Nan, when she was only 64. It's been hard and is still hard. My husband has been amazing. My dad fell apart completely, my brother shut himself off and my daughter was devastated; I think now I pushed my own grief to one side to try and make sure everyone else was alright. I struggle a great deal with difficult emotions around my Mum - she wasn't always easy and our relationship, although close, was complicated.I have had bereavement counselling which helped a little but it's still so hard.

My daughter has struggled with losing her Nan just four months before her 13th birthday...My Mum's illnesses also meant she saw a lot of things that were traumatic for her, and I have stressed to her time and time again not to worry that she is upsetting me, that she can talk as much as she likes. She has talked about things - sometimes it is hard for me to listen to but I know it's important - but is still struggling and her age now means that things are getting worse and I think she may be bordering depression. She puts so much pressure on herself at school, she is worried sick about exams, her confidence is so low and she is still grieving her Nan. She has been referred by our doctor for bereavement counselling which we are waiting for but in the meantime things seem to be getting worse.

She won't help with a thing unless she is told, even to the extent of leaving her knickers inside her trousers when she takes them off so I have to peel them apart to wash, she is rude and obnoxious and speaks to us like dirt; other relatives she will hardly speak a word to at all. If I bring her up on it I get a shallow 'sorry' and often told that she's having 'a bad day.' Not even taking her phone away for a day or docking pocket money seems to work. I spend my days see sawing between compassion that she's feeling like this and wanting to do everything I can to help her and frustration that she seems to think feeling like this is an 'excuse' to speak and behave how she wants. She will have hours of stomping around the house, shouting and crying over the smallest thing until I want to just get into bed and pull the duvet over my head. I try so hard not to get drawn into arguments but sometimes it's hard not to and whilst I'm still grieving the loss of my mum I'm starting to grieve the loss of her in a different way as well. There are days - most days at the moment - when I don't have a clue what I'm doing with her and these are the days when I feel the loss of my Mum the most, when I don't have anyone supporting me from the sidelines, to give me a hug and tell me I'm doing okay.

Monday night was the worst evening we've had with her and her 'tantrum' went on for hours; I don't even remember what started it. She has made friends with a girl who has suffered with depression herself and whilst it's fantastic she has that support from outside the family I do think they're turning it all into more of a 'thing' if that makes sense - my daughter's started mentioning 'depression' (something we hadn't done as we don't think she needs a 'label' for how she feels) and my daughter has had to leave class a few times in the last fortnight due to 'panic attacks', which she's never had before (her friend has suffered with them in the past.) There's a lot of messaging back and forth and I sometimes think she's actually worse since the friendship started. I'm aware this might sound hard but I'm having trouble explaining exactly what I mean. This 'tantrum' Monday night just went on and on and I felt completely at a loss as did my husband. She didn't know why she felt like she did, she didn't know what was causing the 'panic attacks' and she didn't know what things could help lift her mood. She was sorry she kept shouting and speaking to me like dirt whilst carrying on doing it. Struggling to keep my patience I mentioned the fact that she always seemed better with her friends and she said yes, sometimes I can pretend. That's when I said the stupidest thing I could have said before thinking how to formulate my words and I told her 'well, perhaps you can try pretending at home then?' What I ACTUALLY meant was, if there's something that works when you're with your friends, is it something you can do at home but of course that's not how it came out.

I spoke to her later in the evening when we were calm and she brought my comment up. I apologised and told her that not for a second did she have to pretend that everything was fine or that I was expecting her to put a brave face on things. I tried to explain what I had meant to say and that my words did not come out the way I wanted them to.

She is distant with me since then though and I cannot stop beating myself up over this. I cannot believe I was so stupid to give her the impression that she should just 'pretend everything is fine' and am worried that she won't actually forgive me for this. I suppose I feel sorry for myself too, even though I have no right to; I have spent the last two years since she lost her Nan putting her feelings before my own, spending hours talking with her and trying to understand...I make one stupid mistake and it feels like all that has gone.

I'm not looking for sympathy, I am aware that I said a stupid, stupid thing and cannot forgive myself for it. I feel like the worst mum. Is there any way of mending things or have I lost her trust?

Thank you for reading.

We all say foolish things, things we regret, now and again. Try not to beat yourself up. You have done your best for a long time and one slip of the tongue doesn't negate everything else. Even if your DD takes it the wrong way that's still not your fault.

Have you considered getting some counselling for yourself? You have been carrying everyone else's problems in your family, as well as your DD. Your DH has been great but you deserve and need some more support just for yourself, a safe place to express and explore you own feelings, good and bad, with no need to worry about how what you say and feel affects other people, so that you can feel strong in yourself.

Oh and by the way you are doing a great job as a parent of a grieving teen with complex issues. Have an un-mumsnetty virtual hug!

Thank you so much for your lovely reply. It's a relief to have a different take on things and to know that someone understands where I'm coming from.

I had six sessions of individual bereavement counselling and six sessions of group counselling 12 months ago....When they signed me off they told me the door was always open to go back so I might well consider doing that. It's hard at the moment. My dad has always been quite self centred, much as I love him and of course he's dealing with his own grief. His standard answer in situations like this tends to just be 'you'll get through it' which doesn't always help. My mother in law I've never really got on with.

Thank you again for taking the time to read my long post and respond, it is much appreciated

Sorry for your losses

You made a mistake and you apologised. Even if dd doesn't forgive you, you should forgive yourself. You are a human being, you have been through and are going through many difficulties. Everyone makes mistakes.

would say give her time to come round, try and focus on positive things, and treat yourself as it sounds like you really deserve it.

You sound like a great Mum and you are doing everything in your power to support your DD. I’m sure she knows this deep down and she will know that what you said was in the heat of the moment and that you didn’t mean it.

But I reiterate others in that I really think you could do with being able to talk through your feelings with someone else. Think of it as you are in the best place to help everyone else if you are in a healthy place yourself. So please don’t feel guilty about doing something for you and don’t ignore your own well-being.

And its okay to put your feelings into a, metaphorical, box, sometimes. We all do that to cope with life. But its important to get that box out from time to time and look at what's in there, compassionately and objectively. A friend or a counsellor, someone on the outside, can help with that process.

I don't think you have done anything wrong

It is quite good for kids to see their parents can be a bit unreasonable when they are pushed to the limit.

Just keep talking and keep being reasonable, when you can, and when not that's fair enough. You are not meant to be superhuman just because you are a parent.

Hi
We are going through the exact same thing with our almost 15 year old daughter. So sorry to hear about your mam. My own mother passed away in June last yeat and I feel the same, I am making sure everyone else is ok and putting my grief to the back of my mind as if I fall apart now, I might never get back together Like you, I was extremely close to my mam and my daughter was too. My daughter is also having a really difficult time with her father ( we are not together) at the moment, but that is a whole other issue.
And yes, while they are going through their issues, 15 year old's still need boundaries and rules and I fight with my daughter every day about cleaning her room, knickers stuck in jeans, wet bath towels thrown on the bed etc etc.
I cannot offer any advise really but just wanted you to know that you are not alone. 15 is the worst age for a teen, especially girls.
Don't beat yourself up about what you said, we all say things we don't mean. You seem to be doing a great job and your daughter is lucky she has you there. Big hugs to you.

I wanted to say a huge thank you to everyone who has replied to my long winded post and been so understanding and lovely, it has helped me massively.

I think I need to keep reminding myself that I'm only human too and that sometimes I mess up - I tend to be my own harshest judge as a parent. Reading the replies here has made me realise that it's actually okay not to be perfect.
I decided to write a little letter to DD for her to read, reiterating again that I was sorry for my mistake and that I loved her very much, this seems to have improved things as she told me that she now knows I didn't mean what I said and I can forget about it. I'm trying really hard to do that.

I will definitely be going back to the doctor and requesting more counselling, especially as the counsellor told me that I was welcome back any time. I suppose I just thought I would be selfish to ask for more help in case it was blocking things for others more needful than me but there a lot of things still that I am struggling with.

Snuggleworm, my heart goes out to you. It's so very difficult when you're trying to keep things together for your child, your feelings take second place and it's hard to even try and make sense of things. Sending a hug back to you.

Thank you again for all the support from everyone, I am so, so grateful

I don't think you've done anything wrong and you sound like a truest thoughtful parent. I say that as someone who lost my sister when I was 14 and my grandmother 6 weeks later, so I can sort of put myself in your daughter's shoes.

It sounds as though you live given your daughter continuing support and put her feelings before your own throughout. I wonder whether her seeing that you are grieving might give her a different perspective things. My father was particularly affected by my sister's passing - of course, we all were, but he is a man who rarely shows emotion so seeing him in such a state was a real shock for all of us. I will always remember our first Christmas without her and we made a long journey to see family who live away. The rest of us wanted to stay at home because we weren't feeling very festive that year, but Dad said we should go because whilst it was a difficult year for all of us without our sister, it was also his first without parents (it was his mum who died and his father had died some years previous). I'm not explaining it very well but it made me see that whilst my grief was important, there were bigger things than my grief alone and my feelings didn't have the monopoly.

I do think that there's an element of having to get along with what life has given you. I know that sounds really harsh and you can't take that approach without the heavy dose of sympathy and compassion that you're clearly already showing your daughter, but life does go on and you have to deal with it. It doesn't mean you can't be sad and over 15 years on I still have my sad days, but I'm comfortable with my feelings now, good and bad, but I can't let it rule my life.

I don't think I've explained this too well but hopefully you can make a little bit of sense from it. I also agree with the great advice from other posters and counselling for yourself, don't forget your own well-being in all of this. I'm so sorry for your losses, but I think you are doing a great job