Rebuilding relationship with 19 year old son

[Mater5x]

The last few years, life with my son has been awful. This has been down to a predominantly destructive home life with his step dad.
Whilst I am trying to figure that side of my life out, (we’re on a last chance to fix things- he’s having therapy), I am desperate to salvage some kind of mutual respect and love again. I know that I have lost out on the best part of all his teenage years- he’s pretty much shut me out of anything to with his life emotionally or socially. I feel like I have destroyed every decent conversation I could have had with him to the point where since he turned 18 I was lucky if he responded to any of messages of why he was late coming home at night or answered any of my numerous calls. I was allowed to know nothing and challeged if I expressed concern.
He’s dropped out of uni to start another degree from September. He agreed to come out with me one evening and spoke a little for the first time in a long time and I am trying to make some time again for him.
I feel very sad for him and angry at myself every time I think of his sadness at not having had a positive relationship with his step dad through no fault of his own.
I can’t seem to get anything right with him. I don’t know what to suggest of what we can do or where we can go to spend some quality time together without feeling pressured or stressed.
I don’t know whether he will ever come back to me and be close to me again in the future. Somedays I am just grateful he’s not on a downward spiral of drugs or alcohol and that he hasn't tried to hurt himself- instead he displays this arrogant irresponsible attitude which I can’t seem to change.
The impact then on his half siblings are so detrimental. It’s all so emotionally exhausting.

I am just grateful he’s not on a downward spiral of drugs or alcohol and that he hasn't tried to hurt himself-

Yes that is all to the good.

instead he displays this arrogant irresponsible attitude which I can’t seem to change.

Meh, he is 19, it is OK for him to be arrogant and irresponsible. He is leading his own life reasonably successfully, the therapy seems to be helping.

The impact then on his half siblings are so detrimental.

Why would there be a detrimental impact on his half siblings? Maybe you are expecting him to be too engaged in family life, when he is at an age when most young people are building up their own independent lives and separating from their family. If he never got on with his stepfather then maybe you can't expect him to want much to do with his step-siblings either.

It’s all so emotionally exhausting.

Let it go. A lot of it's unnecessary now. Concentrate on letting him live his own life and building the best relationship with him that you can.

since he turned 18 I was lucky if he responded to any of messages of why he was late coming home at night or answered any of my numerous calls.

At 19 he can come home at whatever hour he likes so long as he doesn't wake the house up or bring home dodgy company. If he lives at home there is no reason for him to be answering calls from you. And if he's not living at home then he'll call you when he needs you.

I don’t know what to suggest of what we can do or where we can go to spend some quality time together without feeling pressured or stressed.

Absolutely do keep on making time for him - just pleasant relaxed time together. That will help to heal your relationship. Don't feel that you must have serious conversations all the time. Cinema, walking the dog, coffee or pizza, anything really that's just the two of you. What does he like doing? The time together may have to be limited but while it lasts it is up to you to not let other pressures intrude.

Oh sorry - the therapy is for your partner not your son? Either way, it sounds as if your son really isn't doing so badly.

Is the most positive thing you could do for him, is to remove his stepfather from his life? It sounds as though he isn't a good part of yours or your sons life. Has he had years of misery due to his stepfather? I can't quite tell from your post but if so, the only way to save your relationship with him is to show him that he is your priority.

I think the starting point is for you to think what his childhood was like for him, and how he was treated compared to his half siblings. How did you and your partner treat him ? Then when you ‘ve put your self in his shoes speak to him.

You don't actually say what he does that is so wrong or worrying.

What does this arrogant and irresponsible attitude consist of?

Why does it impact on his half-siblings?

Is part of the impact to do with your reaction to your perceived lack of closeness?

Are your expectations of family closeness realistic for his age? (remember it is normal and healthy to establish independence at this age?)

Does he keep general family rules (e.g. not disappear for days without warning if still living at home, not make a mess for others to clear up)?

If you admit that his stepfather's behaviour has been damaging, do you also admit that your son has no duty to suddenly accept his stepdad? (obviously, there is a benefit to you in this idea that everything is going to be fine now, but where is the benefit to him?)

Yes he's had years of damaging treatment from his step dad. For a long time I couldn't figure it out - perhaps I was too soft on my son and he was trying to make him grow up ( he was 7 when I remarried).
As time went on every time I tried to leave him something happened which stopped me and made us try again because he was sorry or I had just had a baby and each time he would make the effort for a short while only to carry on as he was before
He would pick on everything- how my son ate, how he twiddled his hair, how he was rude ( he wasn't) and so on. And at the same time when it suited him he would be my son's best friend.
My son craved that attention and I could see he was confused when it was inconsistent. He just wanted to have a cool Dad for his own.
Over the years I have seen DH ( sadly more dickhead than dear) in his immature state too clearly. I cannot figure him out. His mother walked out on his dad leaving him and his brother as teenagers - for another man. They have since patched up their relationship to me superficially. In order to save our marriage he's tried counselling and lately decided he's bipolar. This is his explanation of all his bad treatment of my son. He's forgetting he's been treating our older daughter now as well with the words he uses. DD1 has developed a very rude attitude towards her father - he often loses paience with her unnecessarily and shouts at her for nothing -what's wrong with you, stop acting like an animal, occasionally calls her stupid and unable to be affectionate with her. When I become involved, I am told that I don't discipline the kids and I allow the rudeness. Within minutes otherwise he'll be all sweetness to her again. He's seen a psychiatrist and is on Prozac. I was ready to go so many times and now it's his last attempt to fix his behaviour with CBT.

He treats DS2 well and DD2 is clearly his favourite which saddens DD1.
Sorry to go on. There's so much that has happened- it's been a toxic environment for everyone. And it's still not a happy family home hence why my son chooses to stay away as much as he can now. And no there's no expectation on him with how he behaves with DH. If DH speaks out of turn to him, my son will give as good as he gets. The damage is where this is in front of the other little ones especially as they don't know that he is their half brother.
For the last couple of months I don't rise to anything anymore and that frightens me too that this life we are providing is the norm. On the outside we are a well respected family, very sociable, big network of friends, yet behind closed doors it's a different world.
I feel very stupid actually- I have allowed all this to go on so long. I want to go and am almost waiting for a major bust up again to prove I am not sticking around for his CBT to work. He thinks I should be forgiving again and again.
But my biggest fear should I go is what will happen to the kids. DD2 has the best relationship with him and she's the baby.
And the other two are so sensitive - I fear for what it will do to them although I would not stop them having a relationship with him at all.
But the alternative is them having a messed up and unhappy childhood which will make for unhappy adults.
I don't know. I'm angry with myself. I'm just getting older in a loveless marriage. If he were good to the kids I could probably work at it but I can't be bothered to try with anything

There is no soft way to say this.

Nothing will change until you are out of this marriage. I completely understand why your son has disengaged.

I would too and wouldn't be surprised if your other children follow suit. Your husband is abusive and your son is justifiably angry that his Mother did not protect him. He is now an adult and does not have to tolerate it any more.

This all
Sounds awful for you and your children. Your husband sounds like a nasty piece of work.

TBH it does sound like you've messed up by staying with him so long. I'm not judging though as I understand it's not easy to LTB.

With your son perhaps you can meet up
With him for a quick lunch at Uni. Could you afford to take him shopping for something he needs - some clothes or something followed by a quick
Meal. I'd keep thing very short and sweet.

Also
How about sending him some treats in the post. Some of his favourite sweets or something. Just little things to show him you care and are thinking of him. I wouldn't go in for heavy chats unless they come up.

Maybe one day you can talk to him and apologise for what's happened.

You ultimately chose a relationship with a man over your son's well being.

The only way you can ever begun to repair the relationship with your son is to own that. Admit it. Tell him you were wrong and if you had your time again you never would have married the dickhead.
Sorry, but this is all on you.

Thank you to all the suggestions - i will give them a go.
I agree with everything you've all said except that the stupid thing is he is not a nasty piece of work but comes is almost a Jekyll and Hyde. I don't doubt that he really does love me and puts me on this pedestal will do anything for me and the kids including my son- but it's his unpredictable ugly nature that surfaces at the slightest sign of what he feels is a stressful situation
when it really is just family life. It's like he can't cope with just being together as a family. It has to be spoiled somehow so now when he comes home from work, he sits away from everyone to avoid eating with the kids. Sometimess it's like there's this untold jealousy- he's so demanding of my time and attention. Lately he's eased off.
When he's his usual fun stuff the kids can't get enough of him and then something will happen and all the good that happened is lost.
I don't understand.
He's the calm chilled big guy that everyone including my family can depend on yet they have also begun to seen this other not so calm side more publicly.
I don't understand him at all.

For the sake of your remaining children you have to end your marriage. Your husband has no incentive to change, so he won’t. Be under no illusions how damaging this type of upbringing is.

You say that he has 'decided ' that he's bipolar but does he actually have a mental health diagnosis ? See the nice one minute, unpleasant the next can be part of classic controlling behaviour so you are all walking around on eggshells, not knowing whether you are going to get the good or bad version of him.

How old are your other children? As he seems to favour your younger children this may be because it is easier for him to control them.

I would suggest looking at Women's Aid / Freedom Programme for a bit more insight into this kind of behaviour and advice if you decide to end your relationship.

It is most unlikely that he will actually change though, what will be the impact on you and your younger children if you stay in this situation for another 10 years?

To add - I know you've posted under 'teenagers' because of your concern re the relationship with your oldest DS but this goes a lot wider than that - you may wish to repost or ask to have this moved to 'relationships'

You last post makes him sound even worse than your first post. It must be awful to live with someone who has an ugly unpredictable nature.

I agree you should post about your husband under Relationships. Building up a better relationship with your son is different from dealing with your husband. You seem so focused on trying to understand your husband and pretending to your other children that everything is all right when it obviously isn't, that I don't think you really have enough mental energy left to maintain a good relationship
with your son.

I find it very sad that as soon as you start talking about your husband "he" is always your husband and not your son. Your husband is much more on your mind than your son. But your son is the one who needs you and is capable of loving you. And your son is not doing damage to your children by getting openly angry with your husband, your son's angry response to abuse is normal and probably healthy. It is your husband who is doing damage to your daughters by playing favourites and insulting them.

I want to go and am almost waiting for a major bust up again to prove I am not sticking around for his CBT to work. He thinks I should be forgiving again and again.

You do not need to let yourself be controlled by whether your husband has a bust-up or not. It is your own decision to stick around or not. CBT is not magic. It will not turn your husband into a predictable kindly man who does not abuse his children. Just because your husband thinks you should be forgiving, that does not mean that he is right.

I find it very sad that as soon as you start talking about your husband "he" is always your husband and not your son. Your husband is much more on your mind than your son.

This struck me too. You speak of your son disengaging but all your posts seem to show you looking away from him, in the direction of your husband.

And your son is not doing damage to your children by getting openly angry with your husband, your son's angry response to abuse is normal and probably healthy. It is your husband who is doing damage to your daughters by playing favourites and insulting them.

Absolutely this.