Help me handle this calmly in the morning please...

[onedayallthiswillbeyours]

DD (16) has come home from a friend's house very, very drunk tonight. Way past the agreed time that she would return (school night). I actually set out to get her in my car at 12.30 as she was not answering texts or calls and I received a couple of strange texts from her number from "a friend" asking if DD could stay over and come home in the morning which sent me into panic mode. When I rang with questions her phone rang out several times and then was turned off. She was delivered home by 2 very sheepish looking friends shortly after I set out to get her and they were all waiting at the front door when I got back 5 mins later.

DD has never done this before. She has never been a "going out" type and has always been very scathing of drunkenness or any sort of public lack of control! I know it is all part and parcel of experimenting and growing up but urggghhhhhhhh I just wasn't expecting it tonight, a bloody Monday night of all nights!! The being drunk in itself is one thing, but the worst for me was the fact that she was clearly too incapacitated to use her phone (hence mates trying to cover for her) and not answering or texting to let me know she was. It has left me really shaken. I am an anxious person but I try so, so hard to hide it/control it/not let it interfere with DD's burgeoning independence. This has knocked me for six.

How should I deal with this in the morning? Obviously she will be hungover and still have to get up for school. Would a stiff talking to be enough for a first offence or should I be thinking grounding/punishments? I know she will tell me I'm over-reacting whatever I try and say and I don't want us to end up having a big fight and her pushing me further away

Making her get up and go to school will be enough. I remember as a teen my first, mum made me help at a jumble sale. She’s 16 it was going to happen, I was 14

If she's not used to drinking and she drank so much that she couldn't use her phone, I don't think she should be going to school tomorrow. Try not to worry so much. It probably won't happen again.

Just wanted to say hello and yes, teenagers are something else. My youngest is now 17. We did have almost exactly this scenario with one of them (and very minor variants with others). I am usually the one on MN going "oh my god I can't believe you think this is normal for a teenager" but in this case - yeah it is the kind of thing that happens.

I am not a big fan of punishments tbh especially at this age. I think a strong, guilt-laden talk with lots of references to safety and risk etc would be enough for me. Also an expectation that she be absolutely truthful about what actually happened. I find it helpful in this situation to say upfront don't even bother telling me it was 2 vodkas or a dodgy pint - I didn't come down in the last shower.

Also keep an eye on her tonight.

You won’t need to do much tomorrow- pretty sure she will be suffering. In fact don’t mention it at all for a while- let her stew for a bit. And then just ask her to explain to you what actually happened- ask calmly. Then ask her what she thinks the risks to her and to you guys were in what she did and what she has learnt from it.
I doubt she will make it to school either- hope you’ve a bucket next to her bed (not envy!)

Thank you everyone. I've just checked on her and she's asleep on her side, sick bowl in place on the floor by the bed, so there's not much more I can do tonight. No sign of her being sick yet. I need to try and get some sleep but my head is all over the place.

Are you not a bit miffed that her friends parents didn’t stop this earlier?

She was invited to a "dinner party" at the house of her friend from her work (saturday job) who is a couple of years older. There was a small group of them from work invited so DD was probably the youngest (the others 17-19 range). I doubt there were any parents there. I imagine she was trying to act grown up and fit in with the others and didn't realise how much she had drunk/how it would affect her.

Ahh bless her I suspect if not a drinker that she has probably had a large glass of wine with her food like everyone else and that’s done the trick.
I remember passing out in the toilet at home and my dad finding me a few hours later at around the same age. I had gone for dinner with three friends and drank a large glass of wine and that literally ruined me!! They still tell the story to this day... haha!!

To be honest she will be totally mortified in the morning and feel like she let you down. She will feel rough as a dog and probably won’t drink for a long while ever again!!

It’s a school night yes and a mistake but... by the sounds of it one she will very very much learn from!!!!

I would go down the concerned safety route. She won't feel great and will know she made a prat of herself in front of her older work mates as well. I reckon that is punishment enough.

TBH she’s probably going to wake up feeling bloody awful and that’s a worthwhile lesson in itself.
I think the advice to go concerned/safety route is sensible. And shows you are treating her like an adult.

When i was 16 i was working full time and very much leading my own life.

Can you really ground your 16 year old that does actually go to work?

I think getting her up and making her go to school is the best punishment.

Get her up and off to school. You might just want the radio on a bit louder than normal if you feel like proving a point.

If she's badly hungover in the morning I wouldn't send her into school. If she's been sick at host's house and made a mess then flowers for the host (at her expense and make her take them to the host).

DD had a party and one guest got spectacularly and aggressively drunk. We ended up having to call an ambulance plus parents. Didn't get a single word of thanks or apology afterwards. Guest was not welcome in our house again.

I think you need to be sympathetic! She's inexperienced and doesn't know how much it takes to get herself drunk. She's made a mistake and will feel ashamed as well as physically ill in the morning. Don't make her go to school! She'll probably still be over the limit. Offer tea and sympathy and see it as the perfect opportunity to talk about keeping herself safe and not in such a vulnerable state again. The theme of your talk could be isn't it funny (not funny) how drinking alcohol is great up to a certain point until all of a sudden you are out of control and there's no going back and you are going to feel dreadful because of it. Or something like that.

It depends on her reaction when she wakes up! She may be mostly mortified, if she was drinking with girls a few years older than her. It could've been just a few glasses of wine, which to people who are used to doing that wouldn't have the same effect. If it is her first time drinking and shes not normally trouble, i can imagine she will be very sorry and embarrassed.

The first time i got that drunk two friends brought me home, my mum was fuming! then she made me drink a glass of wine with my dinner that night, it turned my stomach and really did put me off for a while. (although of course now as an adult that's known as hair of the dog but at the time it was a punishment ha!)

To be fair it's pretty normal for teens to get drunk. It's never ideal - school night, whatever. She will learn the lesson having to try to get up for school and feeling horrible. I don't think any other punishment is required - teens need to learn their own lessons not blame their parents for punishments.

This happened to us too.

The 'punishment' of a hangover didn't happen - guess young bodies can cope with such abuse!

Anyway, definitely send her to school.
When she returns calmly ask her what happened. We would probably say no seeing friends (for x time) during the week as a curfew was broken.
Good luck

Give her one pass, and be relatively understanding. I got my message across by waking my son up on the dot, being ridiculously cheerful, whipping open the curtains and saying "good Morning, time for school!"

Hopefully she'll have felt rubbish all day and that will put her off drinking on a school night again. It is so tricky when you want to let them have their freedom but you don't want them getting out of it.
I would instigate a chat about how worried you were and tell her some of the things that you thought might have happened to really put the guilt on. If she's normally caring and sensible that might be enough.
It is so hard but then I was probably equally bad for my mum. Actually I was a lot worse than DD.