How do I help my daughter

[pippitysqueakity]

15yr old big exams looming.
Friends being 15 and on again off again letting her down(maybe she does it to them)
She is so unhappy today had made plans and now friends not responding. I try to suggest alternative s but understandably not what she wants.
I just want to make her feel better.

Oh 15 is such a crap age. It’s still early though, could they just not be up yet?

If they are being flakey, is there anything special you can sell her on the two of you doing this afternoon? What is she in to?

Just be there to support her. It's not your job to "fix it".

I know what you’re saying but she and her friend go to a club that starts at 9.30 on a Sat morning. Friend was going but just didn’t respond when DD turned up to pick her up. DD went to lesson, which I’m proud of her for, but now in tears at home, because friend no longer responding. (Did while DD in class) . God, I went through all this myself, just makes me feel so sad and helpless watching it happen to her.

And yes, of course I want to fix it, and even if not my place, how do I just stand by watching my DD in bits.

We all want to fix it so our children never know a moment's sadness - but we can't. What we can do is lend a sympathetic ear, mop the tears, bolster their self-esteem and help them to keep things in proportion (which as I recall was the hardest bit of teenage friendship).

You just have to though, not much more you can do really, people will chose their own friends. Hard lesson but one that does have to be learned or she’ll never cope with adult life. Just be there if she wants to talk. 15 is a dramatic age so if you have any job at all it’s to remain calm, not feed the drama.
It’s tough, but most kids have to go through these things at some point, and learn how to adapt.

This is going to seem like a drip feed so I am sorry.
Last week my DD disclosed she had self harmed in the past, about 2 years ago over friendship problems. I knew about the problems, not the rest. At that time I kept a watching brief and she seemed to move on. Obviously now I know I got that wrong. I am scared this will be a trigger and since I failed her before, I really want to not make that mistake again.

What exactly do you you think you got wrong, and how exactly did you fail her? As children grow into adults you cannot posdibly keep all responsibility for their actions or their choices.

Your dd chose self-harm as a response to negative emotions. No "blame" attaches to her, or you, or anyone else for that. It was a choice she made. She also chose to keep it from you- unwise perhaps, but again a choice.

Now that you do know you can of course be more open with her about how you can support her, or find someone else to support her, so she can make healthier choices. Holding yourself responsibile for what she does or doesnt do, with all the anxiety that entails, helps no one. You need to help her keep perspective here.

Barbarianmum(and others) thank you so much for interacting with me.
I feel I failed because I did not know my DD, then 13, self harmed. I still do not know what form this took. In all honesty, afraid to ask. I do not want her to go through that again. I do not know how to help her. Of course I want to make things better, but realise I cannot do that.i just do not want her to hurt herself.

Oh I feel your pain, OP.

Tell her to come off her phone and go for a walk with you. Have a chat about self-worth coming from valuing herself and not relying on validation from others (yes, I know -I'm working on that myself!) If a friend can't be arsed responding then at this moment in time they're not a friend.

Encourage her to.put some music on and knuckle down to some studying.