20 year old daughter refuses to talk to us

[Cherk9800]

Sorry if 20 nearly 21 is too old for this forum but hopefully someone can help me - my 20 yr old DD is very isolated has no friends, as she has fallen out and moved away from everyone who has known her - she quit uni and came home and has no contact with anyone other tham a BF

She works and pays us some rent and we bought her a car to help get her going in working life.

She is often rude to her Dad and sister and she has massive rows with her BF when he is here, with her often unreasonable behaviour and he has left her 3 times and they keep making another go of it he is very welcome here and she treats him badly.

Last week she was being a bit off and rude about her Dad whilst having evening meal criticising him for how he was eating and I told her that he can eat how he wishes - she then became grumpy and finished her meal left the table her younger sister said ‘ you never say thank you for your food to Mum ‘ she mutter I did say thank you - she never does - and maybe on this occasion she did younger sister always says thank you for tea and she hates how her sister isn’t polite or being appreciative to meals being cooked everyday for them.

I sent eldest DD a message saying I don’t like her being critical to her Dad and she just needs to respect him and us all a bit more and be polite to her family.

She kicked back at me saying we weee picking on her and has now stopped talking to me and her Dad - she hardly ever talks to her sister. it’s her 21st this week she’s told us she wants nothing to do with us and we can cancel the meal and I said so you don’t want any presents or the surprises I’ve planned she said no she would just go out with the BF

She is still avoiding us in the home and not speaking this is not the first time we have fallen out over her behaviour but this is a storm over nothing and it’s breaking my heart

My family have said tell her to leave she either behaves respectfully towards her family or she can move on she’s an adult now but that feels so final

Any advice

It doesn't sound like she is in a very good place. Whilst she should be treating you with respect, I would also be worried about her, especially as she has fallen out with all her friends and dropped out of university.

You could go in all guns blazing and chuck her out, but what realistically will happen if you do that?

I would try and be the bigger person, make peace with her, let her know you are worried and try to start a conversation about what's really going on. I find with my (younger, teenaged) daughter that this approach builds our rapport back up a bit and from there we can address the underlying problems and she is more likely to acknowledge her unhelpful behaviour and the effect its having on others. It's hard, I do feel for you.

The thing is she has self distroyed all friends since 16 - we supported her through anxiety exams and encouraged her to be sociable but she cut her self off and just stopped seeing people - they stopped calling for her fed up of excuses - we hoped uni should give her new town friends and a fresh start and she melted with the freshers thing didn’t like it the cost and lack of sleep she came home within 3 weeks

She just doesn’t seem to settle and commit to stuff she has not a good word to say about the team she works with and I’ve tried so hard to offer her support but she isolates herself totally

I’m so worried about her happiness butnher disrespect for us and her family is so hurtful 😞. I desperately knowing she had more friend and happiness away from home she would be happier when here

Thee problem is she has nothing and I’ve tried to suggest nightschool take a hobby try and meet people who like the things you do but she just says nah can’t be bothered and sits in her room

I totally know this situation is field by her being board and has no fun her temper and explosions are shocking to her BF how he hasn’t walked is beyond me

I just want her to be happy and when all she has is is her family it’s just not enough ?

I don’t know what to do

Its time for her to leave home.

I think someone should say to her boyfriend that he shouldn't put up with her behaviour. It's really shocking that she is being awful to him and he stays and puts up with her.

Maybe encourage her to speak to her GP or someone else, seems like she needs to speak to someone about this and address these issues, assuming she’s willing...

She's clearly unwell, and has been having problems for a long time. Have you suggested she goes to the doctor? The issue with noisy eating combined with social difficulties and meltdowns suggests a possibility of being on the autistic spectrum, but obviously that would need to be assessed professionally.

She’s clearly unhappy but you have your other daughter to think about too.

She’s working, paying rent and you’ve very kindly bought a car. She’s an adult. She either behaves respectfully and civilly as another adult living in a shared home or she moves out, takes full responsibility for herself and can scream and shout at the walls when she’s having a strop.

There’s nothing good to be gained by her staying at home. She’s choosing to behave appallingly and it’s not fair on you, your DH or your other DD.

How many daughters do you have? Is this the one you've posted about before, or is that the younger one? If so, did you not get referred to CAMHS when she was younger?

If she wants nothing to do with you it's probably time she left home, isn't it?

Certainly I'd stop cooking for her if she's rude and grumpy at mealtimes. I know it sounds harsh but you can't just carry on as normal; this situation isn't normal, is it?

Maybe she's depressed, and a visit to the gp is in order? This should be an exciting and enjoyable time of her life and she's wasting it.

your correct I have posted before but that was my younger DD who got into a bad place aged 15 self harm and weed - the eldest DD was very supportive then but since her uni plans didn’t work out she has become rude and disruptive to us about her family she hardly speaks to younger DD who is about to take A levels so fairly stressed and needs support and her older 21 yr pls sister is just horrible to us all - she is bright and clever but just doesn’t know how to be sociable and accept others warts n all ! She finds fault in anyone and everyone and I believe it’s because she is bored in her own life 😞

If she moved out into a shared house, she would socialize more with people her own age. Clashes are going to happen, she needs to fly the nest, for her own sake and yours.

I know she has to fly the nest I really do / but I don’t want that to be a negative experience and one we all support and help and moreover she wants and thrives towards I left home so young and at 21 had bought my first home she has saved over £20k towards her first house so
Maybe it’s time she spends it ! I so know she needs to move out to be more self sufficient it’s jsut getting to that point I’ve never done that as a mum - when it was me leaving home I was off like a rocket !

Weren't we all!? I left at 18!

Maybe she needs it to be a negative experience in order to leave the safety of her family home. Maybe her acting up is a way of asking for help to make the leap?

She sounds depressed/anxious and needs some help tbh. She’s functioning but taking her stress out on you. I’d drag her to gp tbh. Good luck op

She sounds utterly depressed and probably feels a total failure for not being able to cope with university. Feelings probably exacerbated by the fact that her sister appears to be aiming for uni too.

What's the job she's doing? How does she feel about that?

She isn't happy you know...

She sounds very like me at that age, totally burnt out by years of undiagnosed depression and anxiety. It doesn't excuse her being rude, but I didn't talk to anyone for months at a time at my worst, I was so ashamed of myself I didn't want anyone else to see it. I don't think kicking her out is the right thing to do, it will just make her resent you more. She needs some help with her mental health, it is very difficult when you feel you've 'failed' (I also dropped out of uni) and you have no clear path going forward. Can you get her some private psychotherapy?

If she would go speak to professionals I would take her and support her totally I’ve talked to her about maybe she needs a support group some peiple she can open up too - she shot me down saying she doesn’t need that ‘sort ‘ of help when her younger sister was self harming she was 15 and I took her to the docs and they were amazing but how can you take a 21 year old ! You can only say if you want to go ask for advice I can come along and be another ear to listen ! I have tried - tonight her BF has arrived loyal to her as always to help / I’ve ssid tomorrow on her 21st it’s ok if she wants to go out and do something with him no pressure I just want her to be happy I really do

So tomorrow she turns 21 and we willl hand over cards and presents I threatened to hold off - and she will head off with BF and I just want her to come home and be happier and to then plan the rest of her life with more friends and I really 100% agree that means leaving home and being solo - I can’t make her see a doctor I know she has issues we all do but only we can recognise them and ask for help once a certain age - I will so so so support her and try to get her to look at - could I be a bit depressed - anxiety - it’s such a hard one to recognise but isn’t it the person who then accepts the help and says I needs this help the way forward ?

I can force her to the docs and sit there but what would that achieve unless she wants to discuss maybe something else is deeper here

So so so hard and worrying when they are over 17/18 you can’t take them kicking to the docs ?

My own brothers was diagnosed with depression after years so I totally get the feedback could she be as he Locked himself away jo friends

Thank you everyone today she refused to leave her room and open her 21st presents - she scrolled through social media and looked at other people lives I wished her Happy Birthday and she just looked so sad

I then hugged her and said I think we need some help maybe you need someone else to work through why you feel like you do - she broke down sobbed tears and said what’s wrong with me mum - i told her I just think your a little broken at the moment and we need to find out how to fix it but once we start to make you feel better you then also need to look at how to make your life happier

Maybe join a group find a hobby and get to meet people with a common interest maybe makeup class all girls love make up and maybe you will find some new people to get to know and have some fun !

She sobbed her heart out and I do think we have uncovered something to now go speak to progressional she said she will go to the docs and asked me to go with her

It’s no excuse for being rude and I said she has to try to remember peoples feelings before jumping down throats and I guess it will take time but thank you all who commented you and me think and I will now help get my daughter some support so she can leave home willingly and excitingly !!! Fingers crossed

Thank you all xx

Well done OP. I wish your happier, easier times ahead for your whole family

I'm very glad to hear that you've had a bit of a breakthrough. Happy birthday to your daughter and hope things get better for her.

Glad she’s confided in you. She sounds very unhappy and I hope the GP can help.