DD in first relationship. It doesn't sound healthy

[NigellaAwesome]

My 13 yo DD is in her first relationship. It's with another girl, and have only been official for a couple of weeks, but had been sending some pretty explicit messages on WhatsApp before that.

I'm not sure how much of this I should be concerned about, and how much is a normal phase of finding and establishing boundaries.

They both self harm, and have dabbled with eating disordered behaviour.

Their communications with each other don't sound particularly healthy or respectful (I snoop). They talk about Dom Daddy Little Girl, Little space, being a Dom and sub, and calling each other sluts. I've spoken to DD about healthy and respectful relationships.

There appear to be jealousy issues, the other girl asked my DD to hand over her phone so she could examine it (irony of my snooping not lost on me), and they have both given each other love bites as a badge of ownership.

This girl came to our house this weekend, and despite me telling them they could hang out in a downstairs room, they disappeared up to DD's bedroom. I've since found out there was a lot of heavy petting going on. I've told DD she can't have her gf in her bedroom.

Now they are planning to leave classes in school to meet in the bathrooms to make out. I had already said to DD that if they were an item, they were under no circumstances to bring it into school.

I know part of this is me having to come to terms with the fact my DD is growing up, but I'm really concerned that they seem to be a bit co-dependant and the exploitative tone of their communication.

Anyone dealing with similar? Any ideas? I've spoken to school so they are aware of some of it, not all.

For a first relationship at 13 y.o - the language of the messages doesn't sound at all healthy - where are either of them getting these terms from? I am not a pearl clutching type, but at 13 I wouldnt expect either of them to know this terminology without exposure to it by other influences, which don't sound like they are in your daughter or her partners best interests to be aware of these things.
Have you talked to her about boundaries, what a healthy relationship should be about, and respect for each other? Just because it's same sex doesn't mean you should let them behave how they like or not keep an eye on things.
Also at 13, I would expect to be able to look at my daughters phone interactions and discuss them if you have concerns, she isn't old enough to expect unlimited privacy and no monitoring in any way.
Also they should respect your rules, and if you ask that they stay downstairs and not to be left by themselves they should at least try and do what you've asked.

Sexting is a big problem and all three schools my two have attended have sent warnings about it and told parents to monitor their kids phones and social media.

My rule is no girlfriends/boyfriends upstairs or in the house when no adult is present. Also I am to have free access to phones.

This does not sound healthy go with your gut instinct.

Weird at 13 what is going on here. Seems really unhealthy. As her parent I’d be backtracking her to teach her what relationships should look like. It sounds really sad. I would think at 13 your daughter would still let you have a say to put down some boundaries here especially as it sounds unsafe for her. 13 is not freedom do do what she wants. On this pathway it’s a walk to destruction. If this is 13 imagine the relationships at 23 for her: marking each other, explicit messages, derogatory words for each other. I think it sounds more like her partner has mental health issues. In the history books couples like this (where one has power over the other so young) go on go kill, see the true story of Heavenly Creatures, the girls here are Pauline Parker and Juliet Hume.
You may not like that reference but these girls are young and this sounds abustive.

Dd knows I look at her phone, but I've become aware that they have moved from WhatsApp to Skype messaging, and I came across discussions about moving onto PSN. So they appear to be intent on doing, but just trying to hide it from me.

My gut feeling is this other girl has introduced the exploitative sexual language. She has made reference to her Wattpad library, and had been in a same sex relationship before. That may however just be me thinking it couldn't possibly be my DD.