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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Teenagers pushing boundaries

28 replies

Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:34

My DS is a nightmare. He’s always been difficult. We are going through a phase of him swearing loudly, using language he knows we find unacceptable, sending me meme’s using words like retard. Using racist language. Basically anything he knows we will find unacceptable. I do not know what is going on with him. He’s driving me nuts. Has anyone else experienced this? It’s like he’s trying to make everyone dislike him. I love him dearly but I really do dislike him right now.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 20:44

My friend's son did this....I always thought it was because the parents swore around him regularly. Do you or his Dad swear in front of him?

Wolfiefan · 26/02/2019 20:46

How is he sending them? By phone? And you’ve confiscated it right?
What happens when he swears etc?
How old is he?

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:48

I’ve never sworn around him. Neither has his dad. He’s 17. He has his own phone. My point is he’s pushing us to our limits by finding things he knows will wind us up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:50

My question is has anyone else experienced this? I’ve tried every consequence known to man. Makes no difference!

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O4FS · 26/02/2019 20:50

He isn’t making the distinction of the shit they talk with their mates and what is appropriate in normal conversation.

Probably doing it for a reaction/attention. You could always try explaining to him that you undertand he feels he needs to push boundaries, but it just shows how much maturity he has yet to develop, and probably isn’t ready to go out/have a phone/stay out past 7pm. (Select as appropriate).

O4FS · 26/02/2019 20:51

17??!

I imagined 14!

HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 20:55

I also thought you were going to say 14! At 17 he's almost an adult op. Maybe this is who he is.

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:55

Indeed! He’s very immature. It’s like he’s pushing to see how far he can go. I’m at a loss as to what to do. I’ve never known anything like it. It feels like a strange behaviour.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 20:56

And I don't mean to be rude when I say that...but he's 17! It's not nice to swear in front of your parents...but rather than "pushing boundaries" I'd say he's simply showing no respect. If you never swear, he knows this...and he's trying to assert himself as an adult.

Are you very strict?

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:56

Who he is?

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 20:58

By "who he is" I mean...his personality. The fact that he's almost an adult now.

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:58

I don’t think I’m very strict but I really hate swearing. I think I probably disapprove a lot. In that respect I’m probably quite strict.

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Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 20:59

I hope this isn’t his personality but maybe you’re right.

OP posts:
HennyPennyHorror · 26/02/2019 20:59

Is he in education still? Does he have much of a social life?

O4FS · 26/02/2019 20:59

Then it’s maybe an eye roll and ignore?

A ‘when you grow up you will realise’.

Back to focusing on any positives and ignoring the negatives?

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 21:01

He’s very sociable and has friends who obviously think he’s hilarious.

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cauliflowersqueeze · 26/02/2019 21:01

I was guessing 14 as well.

If he’s deliberately offensive like that at his age it would suggest he doesn’t have much respect for himself. He can’t like himself behaving like that. Is he kind of hoping you’ll punish him and get him in line do you think? Has he always been like this and you used to punish and now you’ve stopped because he’s a bit old, or is this new behaviour?

O4FS · 26/02/2019 21:05

I had a similar conversation with DS(16) and his ‘humour’ last week. It’s the cross over with what he and his mates find absolutely hilarious, and what is actually appropriate.

I don’t pull them up on swearing anymore, I don’t really care, but language that is widely unacceptable (racism etc) will get him a lecture on hate speech and potential consequences at school etc.

Let as much as you can go. He’s a young adult.

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 21:08

Cauliflower I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. Maybe I’ve been over critical. I really don’t know what it’s all about. Where it stems from.

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Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 21:09

I do try to let as much as I can go. He does it to his dad too.

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VioletCharlotte · 26/02/2019 21:21

Is he sending you the memes to be abusive, or is he sending them because he thinks they're funny?

My teen DS (19 and 17) send me all sorts of inappropriate memes, but nothing that's really offensive or racist.

What's he like apart from the swearing, etc? Are there other issues?

Original poster
Makmaison · 26/02/2019 21:27

He’s sending them because he knows I won’t like them. I honestly think he’s trying to push me away. He grabs on to anything he knows his dad and I feel strongly about. For example, he will be sexist or say racist words. Basically anything he knows will invoke a strong sense of disapproval. He’s very difficult generally. He is not getting on well with life at all. Not in education or working. Failed exams. Feeling generally sorry for himself and he doesn’t really know where he fits in this world.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/02/2019 11:02

If he’s not in education or working then how is he paying for “his” phone?
He needs to act with some respect or move out.

HennyPennyHorror · 27/02/2019 11:03

I agree with Wolfie. Stop all form of financial support. He will soon get a job or back to college.

VioletCharlotte · 27/02/2019 11:20

I can imagine how difficult this is for you, but I do have some sympathy for him too. He must be feeling pretty low. 17 is a tough age, there's so much pressure on young people to know what they want to do and succeed academically, I'm sure his self esteem is at rock bottom.

I think the swearing and rudeness is probably a bit of a cry for attention. What sort of support have you given him to try and help him find work or an apprenticeship? I agree the rudeness is not nice to live with, but I think you may need to grit your teeth and ignore it. He needs to know you're on his side and have his back. The danger of being on their case too much and constant criticism is they think you hate them anyway, so they may as well behave even worse. I witnessed this with my friend and her son recently. He got heavily into drugs and began stealing from her, it was really awful.

I do understand how hard it is, my 17 year old DS drives me mental sometimes, but they're still little boys inside and need to know they're loved.