Condoms found in laundry

[namechangedasscared]

I've NC for this one, but am a regular poster usually! I'm scared and I feel sick..... This is a long one, sorry!

My eldest DS is 13 (coming up to 14 in a few months). He is in Year 9 and his teachers describe him as emotionally mature. He's normally a very sensible boy and "the good one" - I.e. he follows the rules, we can trust him, he doesn't let us down, etc.

In Jan this year, he met a girl through a mutual friend she is 14, nearly 15 and in year 10. She doesn't live locally - about 50 miles away as this mutual friend moved from around here. We considered dissuading him from pursuing a relationship with her - but decided that it was more likely to fizzle out when they realised the distance involved is tough on teenagers with no way of seeing each other without parental help. We agreed we'd take him to visit on occasion but on the condition that we met her & her family first and we were happy.

So we did - we all went to visit. They seemed to be a lovely family and she seemed a nice girl. My real concern though was that a year 10 girl is a lot more mature than a year 9 boy in my experience, and that with his last girlfriend it took them 4 months to get to the hugging stage! I had a good sit down and talk with him about sex & relationships, the law, reiterated the consent talk.

The next visit he asked if he could stop over at hers. I wasn't keen but had a chat with her parents and the set up was that he was going to be sleeping on the sofa in their front room so my husband and I agreed. I reminded him beforehand that it was irrelevant what his age was - she is only 14 and if they were to have sex and it got reported it is classed as Statutory rape and that he would be put into the Sex Offenders Register. He assured me I had nothing to worry about.

Visit went well, both kids happy. Before half term though, they started to get some stick from school mates over their relationship. I thought it was the beginning of the end as caused them a few fall outs. They asked if they could spend some time with each other over half term we agreed that this time, she came to us for a few days. We set up a spare bed for her in his brothers room (and his brother went in with our youngest for a few days).

The first morning I looked and it didn't look like her bed had been slept in. I pulled him aside to speak to him and he said they were watching a movie and fell asleep, all perfectly innocent. I wasn't happy but let it go saying it wasn't to happen again. The next night he had another friend come over to stop, so the 3 of them were all there so I didn't need to worry about them being alone although I still wanted her in a separate room.

The final night I went to to bed about 10.30pm. I noticed the door to the room she was stopping in was wide open and she wasn't in there. So I knocked on his door and went in to find them both fast asleep, tv still on. I considered waking them but then remembered I'd had another conversation with him the previous day about why we wanted them in separate rooms and he'd said that they were nowhere near at that stage of relationship yet, so I thought as they were asleep I'd just leave them.

Half an hour before her parents were due to arrive to pick her up, I pulled a load of laundry out of the washing machine. I spotted something caught in the door and pulled it out to see it was a condom wrapper. I showed my husband who was in the kitchen too and then DS1 walked in. I said what I'd just found and he said it wasn't his. I pointed out that it wasn't going to be his younger brothers and certainly wasn't ours - but said we'll talk about this once she had left. I then found 2 actual condoms in amongst the washed clothes.

I felt physically sick. Once she'd gone we sat down to talk to him. He admitted that they were his and that they had had sex. Twice. Once had been during the day so I guess it shows the overnight part wasn't really the issue anyway but still.... He said he didn't want to get her pregnant so used a condom. We said that was the only sensible thing he had done. We asked what he was thinking and why couldn't they have waited. I said it might have been different if they'd been together a year or two and this was the next step (I still wouldn't have been happy of course but more prepared to have accepted that they were ready). I told him that there were a lot of steps in between that they'd missed out, that there's plenty of ways to be intimate without breaking the law, and that this will completely change their relationship. We told him that under no circumstances is he to tell anyone at all and not to even mention it in texts etc to her. We have suggested that when (if?) they see each other again he tell her that whilst he enjoyed it, he realised that they are too young for this and that they slow things down. He agreed. He was in tears by this point himself.

I just don't know what to do or say now. I got the impression from him that he did regret it - but I don't know if that's only because they've been caught. He did say they got carried away..... but at the same time there was the forethought to buy condoms.

This was my biggest fear when he told me she was nearly 15 and I just think that maybe she was more ready for a relationship going to the next steps than he was. But at the same time he could have said no at anytime.

I don't even know what advice I'm asking for. I just needed to get this all off my chest somewhere. I feel like I'm on the verge of tears and hardly slept at all last night. How can I ever trust him again? I feel like this requires some sort of punishment but I have a feeling I would go too far with how I feel right now. My husband is even stricter than me normally so I can't even rely on him to make a fair decision on this and he seems to be just leaving me to deal with this. He has always left all of the talks about sex etc to he too - refused to talk to him saying he didn't need it yet etc. Any help or advice will be gratefully received. I wasn't a young starter myself (I was raped at 17, my first consensual time I was 19) and back when I was in school there weren't really that many kids who had serious bf or gf, so I can't even draw on experience there!

I feel like I've failed completely.

Oh dear OP. I don't have much advice, but I feel for you. I had a boyfriend for over a year when I was 14-15 and whilst we'd discussed sex in the future, we never even considered it whilst we were still underage. In the end we split when I was 15 and my first time was when I was 22! I do think 13-15 is too young, but now it's happened there's not much you can do other than stress how disappointed you are and remind him that even with condoms, there are risks and that's not what he wants.

Wish I could be of more help.

Your first step is no more overnights because he's broken your trust. Obviously that won't stop them; if they're going to do it then they're going to do it. But you don't need to facilitate it even more by allowing overnights.

She lives a long distance away, but they'll just have to cope with a lot of travel for a couple of hours together. He doesn't stay overnight at hers and she doesn't stay overnight at yours. And I'd be very clear with him that you no longer trust him, and he will need to earn that back because you won't just give it to him. So that affects going out with his mates, especially if it's going to be a late night. If he tells you He is sleeping over at a friend's, then you want to go to the house and speak with the parents to ensure he isn't lieing and sneaking off to hers etc.

Why on earth would you agree to overnights with such young teens? Sorry to sound harsh but I just think it's crazy that was even considered.
All you can do now is be much firmer with boundaries and consider whether you speak to her parents about it.

They haven't broken the law as they are both under 16. The law isn't intended to prosecute mutually agreed teenage sexual activity between two young people of a similar age. Here's a link about sexual activity and the law. www.fpa.org.uk/factsheets/law-on-sex
He has still broken your trust though and tbh I would be very angry if my 13 yo was having sex. I agree that they aren't mature enough for the repercussions. Sex makes babies and no contraception is 100% effective. That's what you need to be focussing on imho.

And make sure they didn't take (or havnt been sending) any nude photographs of or to each other. Consenting sex between 2 people who are under 16 won't have legal repercussions but if they get caught sharing photographs then that is an offence which they can be prosecuted for because even if it's of them, it is still underage pornographic images. So if you havnt already, then you need to go into the consequences of all of that too.

You need to tell the girl's parents - there is a risk of pregnancy and she has broken your trust just as your son has. I imagine that will put a stop to the whole relationship.

To be honest it sounds like you've handled it very well. Obviously them having sex at that age is not ideal, but at least they were sensible and took precautions.
I agree with previous posters that I wouldn't have allowed overnight stays, but there's not much you can do about that apart from not allowing anymore.
Further punishment isn't really necessary, you've had a good talk and it sounds like he took it all in, so I think you'll have to move past it now and let it run its course.

Honestly, I don’t think making him ashamed of something that has already happened or being strict after the fact is a very helpful approach. Poor boy, he’s going to associate this with being told off, not with whatever feelings he actually had about his first time. I wouldn’t be thinking about punishments. I would be wondering what he was feeling and what he wants. I would generally be turning a blind eye to condoms for privacy sake (obviously you wouldn’t rather they hadn’t used them) although having a chat that I was aware their relationship had moved to a different level (though I would be stopping the overnights at hers or ours and telling her parents that I thought the relationship was getting a bit serious for their age) He knows the facts about risks of pregnancy and ages etc. Make sure he is aware of what his responsibilities would be if she got pregnant and that it would not be his choice whether she had the baby or not. What he needs to be equipped with is the knowledge that how they proceed is up to him and her, within your boundaries as regards seeing each other. If that is to be always chaperoned, that’s fine, if its not, then you need to accept they might have sex again. They should go to see her GP together for the contraception discussion. Old enough to have sex, old enough to face that embarrassment.

Thank you for the replies. The overnight stays were obviously a stupid idea with hindsight - but as has been proven they don't need to be overnight to DTD. So that may not even have stopped it. The overnight was being allowed on the basis they weren't sharing a room etc and it was to allow them to spend some time together, get to know each other, go out and meet each other's friends etc. We aren't in a position to afford to make the trip more than once a month realistically so this was to help them see each other for a bit longer. Our middle son gets travel sick too, so dragging him on a 2 hour round trip every time his brother wants to see his girlfriend is unfair - whereas if we were dropping him off for a visit only one is takes him.

He has been grounded - last night he asked if he could go and sleep at his (male) friends house that he's stopped at before. He was told no way. This morning he asked if he could go round there - told him no again.

To the person who said about them going to the drs together, I'm not sure how that would be able to happen given they can only really see each other at weekends.

As for telling her parents about it - I had a huge row with my husband over this. I thought we should tell them. He is adamant that we shouldn't say anything at all and just do what we can to make sure it doesn't happen again (at least not for another 18 months). I know if I tell her parents that my son will never forgive me (as presumably that will end their relationship) and that I risk him not talking to me about anything in the future. Although he didn't talk to me in advance about this, on the whole he's normally very open with me.

I have, of course, told him that no contraception is 100% effective. I didn't think to mention that he has no say if she were to fall pregnant. So that is something I can add.

I guess for me the real issues are the loss of that innocence and the loss of trust. He has also ruined things for his two brothers, because of course they will have more sanctions than he had. I honestly thought I'd raised him to have more respect for himself and for other people than to do something like this when still a child.

I think you need to tell her parents.

I also think you need to look into getting him some external support, though I'm not sure what. I had a boyfriend in my early twenties who had lost his virginity in a very similar situation at the same age to an older girlfriend. By the time we met he had slept with more than ten girls through the remainder of his teens. In hindsight, he really regretted it and it had messed up his attitude quite a bit. He felt at the time like as the boy he ought to be ready and want to, but looking back he really wasn't. Then once he'd already lost his virginity it seemed like having sex was just a thing you do in relationships so he had sex in all his subsequent relationships as a young teen which made them seem more serious to him than they were.

I think every additional year they age at this point is huge in terms of maturity and while it's possible this won't have any lasting effect on either of them it's also possible it will leave them confused and messed up, so both need support from their families. It is very unfair you've now put her in a situation where she will know you know, and are supporting him, but she both won't have the support of her own parents and will also have the fear you will tell them. The idea that you're worried about telling them because he'll be angry at you is also troubling- you need to be the parent, they are not Romeo and Juliet, their well-being is more important than this new relationship and to protect both of them both sets of parents need to know what's been happening.

As a side point, I think you need to get firmer on boundaries. The first time her bed wasn’t slept in, you should have been much firmer. The night with the friend, you should have checked that the girl was sleeping in her own room. And on the third night, I would have hit the roof - how dare they think they make the rules? Obviously sex etc can happen in daylight, it’s not about that, it’s about respecting YOUR boundaries in your family home, especially given how young they are.

This sounds like a difficult situation, I’m sorry it’s so stressful for you OP :( I agree that you do need to tell her parents, though... Imagine being them and only finding out much later, for example?

Oh poor you OP I found out about my dd a similar way a year ago. I can relate to the feeling that you’ve failed and that such feeling but you really haven’t. And these feelings are separate from what you need to do and how to proceed. So give yourself time to process it all.

I would say they will find a way to continue to DTD if they want. Stop the overnights monitor his whereabouts not because of the DTD but because of the broken trust. Speak to the girls parents and try and keep the dialogue with your son positive and not associate consensual sex with feeling ashamed because that doesn’t help anyone. And get him to see a family planning advisor at a sexual health clinic - if he wants to do this grown up stuff he needs to behave like a grown up and take the right advice from the right people. That was my approach. I think the most important thing is to separate his feelings from yours and keep the dialogue going. This is what I did with dd and she has been very open with me since and that’s the best way to keep them safe I think.

Bless you

Oh believe me I did hit the roof about the unslept in bed (but after the fact it's too late). The night the friend was there she did sleep in the other bed - I didn't make that very clear, sorry. I gave the benefit of the doubt though on the first night because they were watching a film, I could see it was possible they did just fall asleep and he'd been adamant they were nowhere near ready for sex. With hindsight I should have woken them on the last night - but I was naive and trusted him (he's never given us reason not to trust him).

To the person who said me being afraid at making my son angry if I tell her parents, I said I was afraid that I'd lose his trust in me and he wouldn't talk to me about other things in the future. Surely, at least initially, I should give her a chance to talk to her parents herself before I consider saying something. The anger was my husband who is absolutely adamant that we shouldn't tell them. He's not physically abusive - but he does scare me and is emotionally abusive to me and has threatened me in the past. I am worried that if I go behind his back on this that the consequences will be impossible to live with. Last night when he didn't like my tone about something else he shouted at me "do you want a punch in the face". Anyway, this isn't a topic for this thread - but I wanted to put some context in as to why I'm hesitating about it.

Thank you for all of the replies. It's not going to be easy to rebuild the trust, but I'm going to make it clear that he can. I will also make sure he knows that our anger is over the broken trust and broken rules of our house.

He's very much in love with her and said that he's never going to leave her and can't imagine his life without her. So I am hoping that means he isn't likely to go sleeping his way through his classmates. I will explain to him again that just because he has done it once doesn't mean he has to do it again and that either of them can say no - consent is 2 ways.

I just hope now I've calmed down and he's had a chance to think about things that we can talk it through and agree on ground rules going forwards and also I'd like to know who's idea it was to buy the condoms and if it was his, why did he feel the need to take things to the next step so soon. Maybe there's something underlying that he has a misconception about that I need to address.

Thank you again everyone. I hope she decides to talk to her parents so that I don't need to be the one to tell them. These things are always better coming from the child imo.

if I’m honest I think you’ve been a bit OTT with the way you’ve handled this. Your son has very smartly practiced safe sex and should be praised for doing so. He may not have been comfortable telling his parents he felt ready to have sex I know none of my 3 (2 teens one in 20s) have ever expressed me that they felt ready to have sex.
I do think it’s young and having sleepovers although in separate rooms at that age isn’t the best - DS15 isn’t allowed to have his GF stay over but DD18 can have her BF over we change the rule once out of school and in 6th form we also allow room sharing at this point.
I think the way it’s typed it almost sounds like you’ve shamed your son for having sex which can lead to a very unhealthy relationship with sex so I would try to resolve that and also reiterate safe sex ask if she is on any contraception that he’s aware of etc. If they want to do it they’ll find a way unfortunately it’s not something we as parents can put a complete stop to.

You absolutely haven't failed.

Who initiated it? Does he wish he had waited? Is he disappointed? Talk about how he sees relationships. Importance of respect. Impart your wisdom. Listen to his views.

I agree broken trust has consequences, you need to be very firm and clear about your expectations, stick to them, and praise him when he has met them.

Re. the girls parents. I think they will be more angry if they find out you knew but didn't raise concerns with them. Once it's out they will be able to support and reinforce your messages.

As the saying goes a stitch in time saves nine. I'd have gently confronted him at the time you found them in bed together and had a discussion afterwards.

I think it sounds like you’ve done a pretty good job actually. You have a son who is in love, is cautious and respectful to his girlfriend and, in the importance respects, has been responsible. He may be too young in the eyes of our society and our laws but that’s another issue.

You have absolutely not failed as a parent.

Having open and honest discussions about this is really the way forward now I think. Your DS is growing up and you want to encourage open communication with him so that he knows he can come to you if he ever has any issues with things like this in the future. The last thing you want IMO is to scald him too much over this which may make him more likely to be secretive in the future.

They practised safe sex, and they were in a safe environment - there is a lot to be said for that. This could've easily happened outside of the home if they had not slept in a house together and they were determined, so I don't think that is necessarily a key issue either at this point really.

If I were you I would really try and rebuild some trust, and love bomb him a bit so he knows you are still there for him if he ever needs you. He was brave to tell you about it all, and he may well open up more to you if he senses that you are relaxed and open to discussion.

People saying if you tell her parents you risk your son never confiding in you again have forgotten that he didn’t confide in you in the first place. You caught him out in a lie! He never would have owned up to them having sex if you hadn’t found the condoms and they both would have continued to pull the wool over your eyes. You absolutely need to tell her parents. It is not fair to keep it from them. You need to point out to your son that he lost the right to decide who knows what when him and his girlfriend actively deceived you.

I know you said your husbands behaviour isn't for this thread but that's awful.

I expect you feel more alone with the current issues with your DS because really you are, your husband is an arse.

Rollergirl it’s not unreasonable that two teens planning on having sex seek to conceal the fact, thank God
It’s how they move on that is important, and keeping the good relationship they appear to have.

Regardless of age, when your DC is ready to have sex, they will have it. Yes it's horrible,y kids are much younger and couldn't imagine what you're going through, but you cannot prevent it.

I believe you should inform GF parents you've found condoms. Say no more.

That way, at least her parents can have a talk with her and maybe get her on some contraception too

You haven't failed at anything, you've had open conversations with your son and he's been as responsible as he feels he needs to be.
Personally I think that making sex out to be a bad, punishable thing when they've made the choice to do it is dangerous ground.

As a by the by, the I was 14 it always made me laugh when my/my boyfriend's parents were so dead set on not letting us sleep in the same room; surprisingly enough, you can have sex when it's daytime...!

I’d say you have both been very responsible here. You’ve allowed communication channels to stay open which is good as he may need help and advice in the future. He’s done well to talk to you. Ok is was under duress but he knows he can now without you flying off the handle.

The only 2 things I’d make a note of though are 1) tell the girls parents you found condoms in the laundry but no more. She needs to have that talk with her parents 2) don’t make sex out to be something dirty that is taboo or needs to be hidden. This could impact future relationships etc.

I’m female but in my experience people who’s parents are more open and relaxed about all this tend to have more relaxed and sensible relationships than those who don’t and don’t tend to rush things as much

When my Ds was in year 10, a year 10 girl had a baby, the father was a year 9 boy. It happens. She kept it too.

You need to tell the girl's parents, that way if she is pregnant by your son they can discuss choices early on rather than abortion being off the table if the pregnancy is too far progressed. Even if she isn't pregnant you need to have the conversation with your son as to how he planned to support her financially? Emotionally? if she was pregnant.

My friend is a midwife, she delivered a set of twins to a 16 year old girl. The father was 15, she said the look on his face when he held one of the babies in his arms was literally what the fuck have we done? She said it was just stunned silence from all the family on both sides. Twins!