Expelled from school with three months to GCSE

[Bigdream]

My son was asked to leave his English boarding school three weeks ago as he was caught smoking cannabis which he had purchase near his school. He is now back home with us, we live in Scandinavia. He is very regretful & feels responsible for throwing away all the incredible opportunities we have worked so hard to give him. This school was his life, he is really into sport & the school was giving him a chance to fulfill his dreams.

The harsh truth is I have to now support my son through the next few months so that he can sit his GCSE's exams. I have put much of my work & business on hold, I have found an examination center in London where he can sit all the exams & online tutors & revision courses during Easter holidays. I also have found a therapist to help him through this big transition in his life.

My main concern is keeping him positive & focused. He is now very isolated at home, studying on his own, going to the gym & still playing some sport with a local team, but for most of the day he is alone. I am at home with him as much as I can be. Social media means that he is still in daily contact with his school friends and he still seems deeply connected to that life, which he will never be part of again.

I feel so sad for him, I know he feels dreadful. Part of me also feels really angry at times that he has done this to himself &
our family. After years of hard work to get him into this school & all the sacrifices, time, energy & logistics.

Home schooling for the next 2 months before the GCSE exams terrifies me & my anxiety is growing, impacting my other children & probably my son. What if he fails all is exams, as an expat I feel so disconnected from other British parents going through GCSEs. I don't have the skills, my GCSEs were more that 28 years ago.

We have no idea where he will go to school next, I have no energy to think about it right now as all we are concern about is the cannabis, vaping & his mental state. He is on nicotine patches & he has a good routine going I think. Any advice would be gratefully received. I feel so unprepared for this scenario and feel guilt as a mother thinking how my son could have made such stupid decisions & risked everything.

Concerned & anxious

We used to live near a minor public school and when out walking ddog we would regularly see pupils smoking stuff stronger than cannabis. I thought it was something that parents knew when sending your child to board.

Was the school Millfield by any chance? I wouldn't be surprised if so.

I thought normally in these cases the school would then quietly help you with a move to another one? Have you asked for help?

School finishes in 6 weeks with 2 weeks for Easter

He’s not missing that much school time

He’s probably in a better position than most kids

To those who say it's harsh - most schools have a zero tolerance policy for drugs and no smoking/alcohol if under 18 during school terms. Three have been expelled from DD's boarding school.

Sorry to hear that. What an awful time. Just focus on now. Not disappointment and regrets. Sounds like you are doing everything right. Keep his social media time structured as he needs to focus on revision. One to one tuition on any subjects he is struggling with. Focus on the ones he needs. Would a different sixth form not accept him if he was reformed? There must be other parents out there that have had this-can you reach out to any?

Sorry to have this stress to deal with. But what’s done is done.

I have a son who’s doing GCSES this year. There is SO much pressure on kids. My son feels really depressed at times, which is very worrying for me. He knows he only has a few months to go now, but he is just so fed up with school.

I know from talking to my son that a few of his friends are smoking cannabis, drinking etc. You really aren’t the only parent in this position OP.

Good luck.

So sorry to hear this.

I would approach his school to say you understand their decision but is there anything they can do to support e.g. provision of revision material, let him use the school as an exam centre. Unless he’s done more than just possess the drug they may be sympathetic within the confines of their policy. My nephew did something which meant his state school permanently excluded him also y11 but the school actually did everything they could except have him back towards supporting his gcse success.

Also and I’m sorry to make this worse but GCSEs changed radically last year. New syllabi and only sample papers available, no past papers. Just be aware of this as you don’t want to focus on pre change past papers without recognising that things have now changed.

Another independent will have him unless there is more to the story than you have mentioned. Pupils excluded for all sorts of offences move between our local independents. Unless you have doubts about his ability to cope away from home for sixth form you need to get on it with contacting possible schools for his a levels despite how devastated and disinclined you must feel.

My DC are 23, 22 and 17. Neither of my older two have had a smooth path to adulthood and it’s incredibly hard and painful seeing them make choices which potentially compromise their future and not be able to fix it. I really feel for you. Life is hopefully long though and he will get past this and still have opportunities for success even though it currently feels almost the end of the world.

This is his first lesson in life and I would do as little as possible to get him through this, leave him to it, if he fails his exams he only has himself to blame and will have to re sit the whole year, not the end of the world but he may learn a very important lesson in doing that. He sounds like he comes from a very entitled family and he has thrown all of those opportunities you have given him away and he needs to understand the consequences of that.

I can understand why you are panicked OP, but you need to try and stay strong and focused. In terms of gcse’s your ds has already covered most of the syllabus and needs to buckle down and concentrate on his revision.

If his health won’t allow him to prepare for exams, it will surely be preferable to address any issues, not take exams this summer and start afresh with gcse preparations at a new school in the autumn.

Ok, first off, don't panic - this really isn't the end of the world!

Absolutely no point in online schooling at this late stage (and don't touch Interhigh with a bargepole). If he fails his exams and has to retake, that's the point to think about online schooling.

All he should be doing now is revising. He doesn't need to be in school, especially if you've got tutors. If he's contrite about getting himself expelled, he can prove that to you by knuckling down and revising - if he's not confident in making a revision plan etc, then hire a tutor, maybe online, to help him do that.

What exam board are the GCSEs he would have been taking at school? It's crucial that you have entered him for the same exam boards as the school would have, as that's what he'll have been studying towards. My daughter is online schooled and taking IGCSEs this summer, so if you want advice on exam centres (ie if the London one you mentioned isn't the right board or is absurdly expensive) then let me know.

Let the natural consequences be the punishment - try not to heap on the guilt and anxiety at this point and just keep him focused on getting the best grades he can at GCSE. Once those are out of the way, he'll have plenty of options.

You don't need to be familiar with the GCSE syllabi, either, so don't worry about that. As others have said, this point is really just consolidating what they've learned and revising. He'll probably work harder now, in disgrace and solitude than he would've at school, especially if you let him know that this is how he can redeem himself. Everything else can be sorted out after the exams.

Do what Tatter suggests

Oh and tell him to get the hell off social media and knuckle down, @Bigdream!

Thank you to all the constructive & practical support. It has been very helpful. It has been a very positive week or so & I have to say I am actually very glad he is home & these issues were brought out into the open. He seems happier & more positive, off the nicotine patches, studying hard & I have been able to arrange some online tutoring, family members who are teachers, & an exam center in the UK where he can sit all the exams. It's not going to be a fabulous few months but he is doing well & sticking to a structured timetable working through passed papers & online tools. He has learnt a lot about himself and his limitations & priorities. He has lost a lot of things which were important to him.

He was on a full sports scholarship & therefore we are not at all minted (as some have suggested) & he certainly isn't spoilt with anything but love & support. That is why I think it was just so devastating. This was so out of character & hard to imagine. I know many people don't agree with boarding school as an option. He was 14 when he went off to school abroad & he was very keen to experience his mother's homeland & he worked very hard to get his place at his school & really seemed to be happy & settled. I don't blame the school but on reflection there were inconsistencies which should not have been allowed to happen.

My other son won a full academic scholarship to another boarding school in the UK. He is having a very different time, more structured & better pastoral care. I still believe that children should have the opportunity to access all kinds of education. My three had only attended state schools & state run IB schools before boarding. Boarding school isn't away of getting rid of your teenagers, I never felt that way & I boarded during my A-levels as my parents, who both didn't even finished high school & didn't go to uni, wanted me to have the chance to attend a really top school for two years. I was so grateful for their sacrifices it has really stayed with me my whole life.

I know of many friends who have teenagers who are at day schools and who are smoking cigarettes, drinking alcohol& using cannabis at the weekend & we live in a really good neighborhood in Scandinavia. No one really talks about it openly & only now I am in this position people are gradually opening up about their issues. My friends in London say it's even worse. Teenagers are just exposed to so much more than when I was growing up in the 80s & 90s & with WhatsApp & messaging its just so easy to meet up with a dealer. I think that is such a huge problem & I am certainly going to invest more time in learning about drugs & the teenage brain as there is so much more to this than just rebellion or doing something foolish....it is part of the rap music, the music festivals, it's literally everywhere.

I don't know what will happen with a new school for him yet, I'm taking one thing at a time....

Thanks again

@TatterdemalionAspie wise words & yes totally agree, getting off social media is key

Hi @BigDream. I hope you don't mind but I'm going to send you a PM - feel free to ignore it if it isn't relevant!