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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

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Original poster

The Letter Your Teenager Can't Write You

26 replies

MandyFl0ss · 17/02/2019 08:38

Dear Parent:

This is the letter that I wish I could write.

This fight we are in right now. I need it. I need this fight. I can’t tell you this because I don’t have the language for it and it wouldn’t make sense anyway. But I need this fight. Badly. I need to hate you right now and I need you to survive it. I need you to survive my hating you and you hating me. I need this fight even though I hate it too. It doesn’t matter what this fight is even about: curfew, homework, laundry, my messy room, going out, staying in, leaving, not leaving, boyfriend, girlfriend, no friends, bad friends. It doesn’t matter. I need to fight you on it and I need you to fight me back.

I desperately need you to hold the other end of the rope. To hang on tightly while I thrash on the other end—while I find the handholds and footholds in this new world I feel like I am in. I used to know who I was, who you were, who we were. But right now I don’t. Right now I am looking for my edges and I can sometimes only find them when I am pulling on you. When I push everything I used to know to its edge. Then I feel like I exist and for a minute I can breathe. I know you long for the sweeter kid that I was. I know this because I long for that kid too, and some of that longing is what is so painful for me right now.

I need this fight and I need to see that no matter how bad or big my feelings are—they won’t destroy you or me. I need you to love me even at my worst, even when it looks like I don’t love you. I need you to love yourself and me for the both of us right now. I know it sucks to be disliked and labeled the bad guy. I feel the same way on the inside, but I need you to tolerate it and get other grownups to help you. Because I can’t right now. If you want to get all of your grown up friends together and have a ‘surviving-your-teenager-support-group-rage-fest’ that’s fine with me. Or talk about me behind my back--I don’t care. Just don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on this fight. I need it.

This is the fight that will teach me that my shadow is not bigger than my light. This is the fight that will teach me that bad feelings don’t mean the end of a relationship. This is the fight that will teach me how to listen to myself, even when it might disappoint others.

And this particular fight will end. Like any storm, it will blow over. And I will forget and you will forget. And then it will come back. And I will need you to hang on to the rope again. I will need this over and over for years.

I know there is nothing inherently satisfying in this job for you. I know I will likely never thank you for it or even acknowledge your side of it. In fact I will probably criticize you for all this hard work. It will seem like nothing you do will be enough. And yet, I am relying entirely on your ability to stay in this fight. No matter how much I argue. No matter how much I sulk. No matter how silent I get.

Please hang on to the other end of the rope. And know that you are doing the most important job that anyone could possibly be doing for me right now.

Love, Your Teenager

OP posts:

Makmaison · 17/02/2019 08:48

I think you wrote that for me. I needed that. I may have to type it up, laminate it and read it daily as a reminder that I need to hang in there. I saw a glimmer of my beautiful, loving and kind boy yesterday. We had cuddles, kisses and tears. We talked and told each other we loved one another. He told me how anxious he feels, how disappointed he is in himself. I really hope he sticks to his word and accesses the help he promised to get. Thank you OP. What a nice message to start the day.

Original poster

MandyFl0ss · 17/02/2019 08:54

I'll be honest, I still haven't managed to read the whole thing, I'm crying so much, but just felt I wanted to share asap

OP posts:

Poppylizzyrose · 17/02/2019 08:58

Thank you

Makmaison · 17/02/2019 09:05

Thank you Mandy.

WhoopiGoldbergsCat · 17/02/2019 12:53

I love this, I saw it in a magazine a few years ago and have been trying to find it since.
It's so true, and gives hope to those of us who are having tough times with our teens.

Nothininmenoggin · 20/02/2019 03:41

Oh my God I'm trying my hardest with mine but it's so hard, just when I thought it was getting better it's all come crashing down around me again.

WhoopiGoldbergsCat · 21/02/2019 13:02

my 15 year old was doing some serious thrashing around on that rope this morning, I really felt like letting go! He told me he wished I was dead and that he hopes I die. It's so hurtful, but yes we have on being there.

Kassy40 · 22/02/2019 18:48

Thank you. I’m crying like a baby! Tough times.

PantTwizzler · 26/02/2019 18:42

I normally hate that sort of cheesy stuff but found that helpful. Thank you.

Lindylu74 · 01/03/2019 08:59

Thank you so much for posting this. My 13 yo DD hates me right now as I am the ‘only parent’ who doesn’t let their daughter have her mobile phone by her bed all night. She says very hurtful things and I have to admit I take them far too much to heart. Your post has reminded me to toughen up and to realise I’m doing the right thing even if she hates me for it at the moment!

princesskatethefirst · 01/03/2019 09:03

Thank you for this too, it means more than you know to me right now

MrsBlondie · 01/03/2019 19:17

Thank you. Much needed today

littlebillie · 01/03/2019 19:32

I don't need it today, but probably in the middle of next week. Thank you.

AnyFucker · 01/03/2019 19:35

Yes, I needed that about an hour ago actually.

MildlyMiserable · 02/03/2019 16:29

I needed to read this today, we’re both letting go.....

Chocolate35 · 06/03/2019 09:08

Blubbering like a baby. It’s sooooo hard to keep it together sometimes. I might do in front of DD (most of the time) but I cry A LOT. I try my best, every, single day. Sometimes I feel like we’re getting somewhere, other days I feel like a total failure who just isn’t getting it right and I have no idea how to help her. I’m going to print this poem, thank you for posting.

mbosnz · 07/03/2019 16:07

Thank you so much.

Lizzie6 · 09/03/2019 18:55

I love it too, I have a 12 year old who is definitely a teenager and an 18 year old who has only been with me since Jan (not biologically mine) holding the rope is exhausting

Hercule · 12/03/2019 19:21

Thank you 😢

Samind · 12/03/2019 19:22

This has me crying 😭

Lizzie6 · 12/03/2019 22:08

I've had a rope in both hands tonight, sure they are taking turns...........

mcmen71 · 17/03/2019 21:22

Love this my teen 15 out everynite now since wed was supposed to be picked up at 9 tonite msg at 8 can i stay to 11 it was easier to give in she had me in tears before she went out as she didnt want me dropping her off wanted her dad as he just lets her out without seeing anyone there to meet her i like to see who she is meeting am I wrong in try to protect her I said i just wanted to meet her bf and then i would be ok to the next one

ThespianTendencies · 17/03/2019 21:55

Welcome words - thank you.

SosigisAndCornflourSauce · 18/03/2019 21:50

Welcome words indeed. My teen keeps trying to prove what a nasty little big shit he is, I'm simply not having it 😉

DuchessDumbarton · 20/03/2019 21:38

Thank you for this - came on to ask talk about my fabulous 15year old who called me "a prick" this evening.
I'm shocked and upset and angry and sad.
Needless to say his laptop and phone have gone until further notice.

But glad that I saw this.... I am always afraid that this 15year old will be the father of a not-very-pleasant-man.
Thanks OP, I will hold the other end of the rope for another bit.

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