Same sex relationship and sleepovers

[thenewaveragebear1983]

I think my dd may have just come out to me tonight, in as much as someone had given her a singing turtle for Valentine's Day, I asked who it was from, and she replied, 'don't judge me, it's from , we've been going out for 2 weeks'

I'm a little bit shell shocked, not because it's a girl, but because it all seems very quick. I know this girl and she's very nice, she seems like a good friend for my dd. So that doesn't concern me really, although I've had no reason to think it was any more than just friendship and hadn't really considered the possibility that dd was gay/bi (although no boyfriends that I know of either). She talks to me, we are quite close.

What does concern me is they regularly have sleepovers, which I would not allow at 15 if it was a boyfriend. So where do we go from here? Do we stop sleepovers/overnights, and if so, how to do this without causing too much upset? I don't know if the other girl's parents know and I don't know them well, plus would never contact them behind her back anyway. When they sleepover here, they often end up all together in or on DD's double bed, but there's usually multiple friends. Next week however Dh and I are out and we said dd could have a friend over while we're out (til about 11.30) and to stop, and it's this friend she has said she's invited.

I'm not really sure what my question is here, just musing and seeking advice/experiences really.

I really don't know. I'm having a similar shock tonight as my teen son said he had a friend over... nothing unusual in that.. until a female left this evening and he announced it was his girlfriend. I thought I had at least a year or so until I had to think about this
I'm actually less worried about sex than I am about him getting heartbroken. I gave up my A levels due to heartbreak!!

I'm not being helpful am I? I just wanted to know you aren't alone in your concerns. Its not really about sex or sexuality really its about being faced with a situation we don't know the answer to.

*you to know

I wouldn’t allow sleepovers if they are 'in a relationship'.

Watching with interest because we might be faced with the same situation with DD1.

I wouldn’t allow a sleepover for a 15-year-old in a relationship either, regardless of the sex of the two people involved.

See, I'd be saying no to hetero sleepovers because pregnancy. If DD brought hone another girl, I wouldn't be worried unless there was a power dynamic I didn't like. Good friends experimenting seems fine to me. I suppose it's about how emotionally mature you felt they were

I'd be fine with a sleepover as long as it's someone you know and like - and trust.

My DPs were, when I was that age. It was much better than getting it on round the back of the bike sheds!

I think since you only had the conversation tonight (which may have been difficult for your DD) I wouldn't want to jeopardise this open communication so soon. I would let this weekend pass unnoticed then speak to her after to casually find out how things are going with her gf. In a week or 2 you might want to set some ground rules as you would for a boyfriend visiting.

See, I'd be saying no to hetero sleepovers because pregnancy. If DD brought hone another girl, I wouldn't be worried unless there was a power dynamic I didn't like

So teen pregnancy is a worry but under age sex not so? Christ.

OP I wouldn't be happy. It's almost as if you are giving a green light to a deeper relationship than they are emotionally ready for.

Thank you all for your replies.

Yes pregnancy would be a concern in a Herero relationship, but as pp said there's so much more to relationships and I'm not entirely happy with any kind of sexual experimentation under my roof at age 15, especially if the other girls parents don't know. And yes, they may do this any time/place they are together, but allowing them in the same bed doesn't really sit right with me.

I am, I think, more worried about her getting heartbroken, or this relationship compromising what appears to be a really good friendship. They are in a group of girls and boys who seem really cool and nice and solid as a group, and whereas I suppose if it was a boy/girl scenario the girls would all stick together, if it's a girl/girl scenario then if it went wrong then dd could lose her friend but also her actual friendship group too.

I'm very grateful that she talks to me, and I don't want to compromise that. I think a chat next week will be a good idea. I lay in bed last night wondering if maybe I should have made more 'fanfare' at this announcement also, as if she might think I don't care that she's gay (if she is) but to be honest it really doesn't faze me in that way. Plus as I imagine some parents watch their kids struggle with this for a long time before they finally come out, they feel something of a relief, whereas dd doesn't appear to have been struggling to tell me of struggling to accept this herself.

Thank you all, it's food for thought eh?

I suppose its worth thinking about the reason you wouldn't allow sleepovers with a boyfriend. Is it just an initial reaction? Or have you thought it through? Then thinking about the difference with this girl and it being same sex. I understand your concern about it being a friend but this could happen with a boy too.

I also think you should talk to your daughter in a gentle way about her same sex relationship and how she views her sexuality. She may not want to talk but also might be waiting for you to start the conversation.

I think you can also share this dilemma with her.
Following coming out shes likely to be feeling really vulnerable, I would have a follow up conversation today, nothing lengthy or forced but just a
"Hey dc, i just wanted to say that you know i love you and that im really proud of you right? thank you for being honest with me last night, and im always here for you to talk to" then she can either tell you more if shes ready or just know that youve heard her.

In regards to sleep overs, id maybe catch her in a couple of days from now and have an alone chat in a neutral enviroment with no distractions eg in the car or walking the dog. Id make it about the fact that you aknowledge that her relationship is different with gf than her other friends and what would she think the ground rules should be?

Its very new for both of you, and neither of you will no the answers but its important it doesnt seem a punishment or because your upset shes in a relationship with her. It might be that shes allowed to sleep over but they sleep in seperate beds and if they break that then youll need to revisit that. Lots of conversation about trust

Im bi, i was definately exploring sex at that age but my girlfriend was my best friend. Having sleepovers is part of the teenage experience and id of felt incredibly isolated if gf couldnt have slept round, and wouldnt of accepted that all of my other friends could have slept round but her (id of never of admitted then when i had a new gf and had her stay round as a friend!)

Difficult to answer really.
At 15, you're just experimenting.

I'm 38, have two teenage daughters and a baby on the way.
I remember when I was 11 when I stayed over at a girl friends parents house, we both felt fully straight, we both wanted to feel what it felt like to have sex with a boy, so for practice we kissed and other sexual "things". For me I didn't like it because she was a girl, but I don't regret it because I just so wanted to know what sex felt like with a boy.

Then the first proper/sexual boyfriend I had was when I was 14 I had who wasn't a virgin at all! who was incredibly hot, I told him I was a virgin, we got kissing for ages. Then I've always remembered that moment when he said "there is no way you're a virgin, no virgin is that good of a kisser".
He dumped me because he thought I was a liar! I was SO heartbroken!!! lol

So moral of the story; teenage years mean nothing significant. As they say - its all about experimenting. As a parent its our job to ensure they don't have any long term regrets.

I definitely knew I was bi at this age, so while it is worth understanding it may be experimentation, it shouldn’t be dismissed as such. I would be more concerned about the underage aspect than the gender, so if she was a year older I wouldn’t have much of an issue providing it was a relationship rather than a casual thing. For now I would put the same limits as you would for a boyfriend.