Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Teenage thief - police or not?

15 replies

DandilionBreak · 10/02/2019 17:42

14 year old niece has, over the last 18 months, become a habitual liar and a sneak thief in her own home, stealing money from her parents and older siblings. Now she's gone one step further. She took her Granny's debit card and used it (contactless), to the tune of almost £200, before she was caught. I don't know the consequences she's facing inside the family but I know the police were not involved. I'm guessing her Mum has had to repay Granny.

Would involving the police have been a good idea? She certainly seemed frightened by the idea when it was spoken about, but it was decided against by her parents. Whether that fear will stop her stealing anything else is anybody's guess. How do you stop a kid stealing? She's not terribly bright, and is emotionally immature, so I'm wondering if she's just not grasped the concept that if she steals, then someone else does without? Does that seem possible, at 14? Granny is on a pension and couldn't afford food, because niece had spent her pension on fripparies and fancies. She says all the right things at the time, makes all the right noises and sounds contrite, and then goes her merry way, stealing again. I don't understand how to help her (and her suffering family) but I want to.

OP posts:
KingIrving · 10/02/2019 18:58

Having a police record could jeopardy her future in a catastrophic way. No holiday in Australia, no immigration in many countries, no jobs in many categories, ....

Why is she stealing the money, what for?

And what have been the consequences so far? Take her favourite stuff away, starting from her phone, then favourite jeans and top, and grounded until further notice. Every time she lies, something disappears (clothes, mirror, furniture ...) until only the school uniform and the mattress is left on floor.

They are many things you can do before involving the police.

DandilionBreak · 10/02/2019 20:13

Yeah, she's not had her phone or tablet for months, but has still had days out and clothes bought for her. I don't understand why she's stealing, and can't even be sure she's not shoplifting. So far, she's only been caught at home and she's too dumb to hide it properly, so I doubt she would be a successful shoplifter. I just hope she doesn't try it, as I'm sure she'd be caught immediately.

OP posts:
DandilionBreak · 10/02/2019 20:15

Were not sure what she is spending the cash on, but we know the shop she used the card in, which was close to her school, and the spends were all at lunchtime. We think she's been buying clothes and makeup, plus sweet snacks and drinks, typical teenage stuff.

OP posts:
KingIrving · 10/02/2019 21:36

Is she buying for herself or someone else? Os she buying a friendship or worse being coerced?
If none of these, but only a teenager wanting to get more stuff, she should get less stuff in return.

She is your niece and you are in a difficult position because unless your brother/sister asks for help and advice, you might ruin a relationship.

Maybe give a strong warning. One more time, no matter how small the amount, , she loses everything, and if none the less, she does it, strip her bedroom bare minus mattress, table and chair for homework. Remove even the door. Give her a sense of what a jail cell looks like. Nothing nice, and no privacy.

DandilionBreak · 10/02/2019 21:48

Thanks, I'll pass all that on. Removing her bedroom door is a good idea.

OP posts:
2ellenor2 · 10/02/2019 21:50

On this scale of theft yes police should be getting involved

DandilionBreak · 10/02/2019 21:50

I wondered about trying to impress friends too. Hadn't thought about the possibility of bullying, so will ask my brother.

OP posts:
KingIrving · 11/02/2019 18:31

Do you have a good relationship with her? You could have an honest conversation and tell her it is hard to be surrounded by so many things you wish and being unable to afford them but that she must be stronger than that. One day someone might call the police and then her future will be forever stained by a juvenile criminal record and whatever people say, juvenile records do not disappear after a while. Many countries require a visa for a holiday or a longer stay and a criminal record would mean she is denied a visa, working in many jobs require a clean record, some uni scholarships. Tell her you are worried for her.

Help her get a job is she wants more money. Walk a dog, babysitting, doing chores for an old neighbours.

DandilionBreak · 11/02/2019 19:09

Thanks. I'm concerned about her future if she doesn't work this out somehow. Ironically, she has spiken about joining the police...will any record of any kind really follow her for life? Im hoping to talk to her in private and see if i can winkle out the issue, but shes incredibly good at deflection and, if that fails, she just shrugs and says she doesnt know. Im really afraid for her.

OP posts:
DandilionBreak · 11/02/2019 19:10

There's no way her parents will allow her to go into neighbours homes now, not when she's robbed her own granny. She's really made it hard to trust her. I love her but wouldn't leave her in my house....

OP posts:
Bestseller · 11/02/2019 19:13

I think you probably need to look at this from the angle that she's a vulnerable child (you say she's not very bright).

If she can't talk to family to find out where this money is going or why she's taking it, then I'd be arranging some counselling to help her understand.

DandilionBreak · 11/02/2019 19:57

Yes, I've suggested it. Hopefully parents will do that. She's 14 but probably more like 11 emotionally, really young mentally. Ah well, I'm really grateful for everyone's comments. I'll pass it on to my brother.

OP posts:
MrsPnut · 11/02/2019 20:03

Is there a neighbourhood policing team where they live. Ours arranged for our eldest child to be spoken to at the local station by the sergeant when we were really struggling with her behaviour. It wasn't so much stealing as disappearing, being violent and general shitty attitude.
He put the fear of god in her including taking her to the cells and telling her that it was where she would end up if she didn't pull herself together.

It did work and it did help having someone else tell her to stop being such a dick and now she is studying to be a health professional and it doesn't show on her record at all.

KingIrving · 11/02/2019 22:15

If course, silly me. Any in-house jobs would be a total no-no.

I think you have received several opinions and these should help you consider how best to help her.

DandilionBreak · 12/02/2019 11:22

MrsPnut Thank you so much, not jsut for your suggestion (which I've passed on) but for reassuring me (and her parents) that this can actually be turned around. I think what's stopped them involving the police so far is the fact that they're terrified that it'll label her forever a "bad girl". I personally think she needs the shit scared out of her, but it's not my call, I'm just aunty. My brother feels the same but her Mum is a real softie.

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread