Husband and son hate one another

[Dotty342kids]

My nearly 16yr old DS, and husband, feel like they're constantly at war and it's impossible for me.
DH stays away for work at least 2 nights per week and I feel like thats when the house is at its calmest! DH can be quite abrupt and rude sounding, in the way he speaks to people but cannot see it at all. He also has a bit of a 'thing' about being obeyed by the kids. This makes him sound awful! He's not at all, but I suppose his learnt parenting style is much more authoritative than mine.
Unsurprisingly, when this bumps up against our typically lazy, on occasion rude, and fairly uncooperative teenage son, then fireworks ensue. DS feels like he's constantly being told what to do in a shouty aggressive manner, so gives it back in the same way (with an added 10% because he's a grumpy teenager!) which DH then loses his rag about. Cue a full on shouting match and hours of strop from DS.
I can often see how my DH's expectations or tone of voice set things off, but in the heat of the moment there's nothing I can do to helpfully intervene. I obviously don't want to undermine him in front of our son.
Afterwards I'll try to explain to him that perhaps he didn't need to tell DS off about that particular thing (because it really wasn't something worth making an issue over in the first place) or that he sounded really aggressive (he can't ever see that himself) but by then a bit more damage has been done to his relationship with our son and he often responds by essentially throwing his hands in the air and saying he won't bother interacting with, or doing anything with, DS because he "can't ever get it right". It's obviously making him feel crap too.

I should add that whilst we do have some fall outs, I can generally get DS to co-operate and do things I ask. Partly because we have a pretty good relationship and partly because I have a much softer and more gentle way of communicating with him.
Which brings me back to thinking that the issue mostly lies with DH but I can't work out how to help him do anything differently. The longer it all goes on, the worse their overall relationship gets and the quicker they both are to react badly to one another over the slightest of things.

Any ideas or people who've experienced similar and have wisdom to share?

I take it DH isn't his dad?

Your DH needs a bit of counselling or coaching to understand his own approach is not the only one.

One is being a normal teenager and the other is being an egotistical arse I’m afraid. “My word is law” is just the worst way to deal with a teenage boy. This is absolutely to do with your husband’s communication style, but i dont know how you can civilise him and get him to understand that you have to be careful not to alienate them with authoritative behaviour. Sorry not to be of any real help. Hope you can work it out for your lad.

No, he is his Dad!
I agree about the counselling thing. All came to a bit of a head later last night, with DH basically saying he feels like the only thing to do, to make him, and the rest of us happier, is to move out. Part of me (the part that hates the stress and conflict) agrees with this tbh, but a bigger part of me thinks that our marriage is essentially good, he is a good dad to our daughter and if he can resolve this, it'll be ok, overall.
We've talked about him having counselling but we've talked about it before and he hasn't done anything. Am really hoping this time, he will.

Could you film the interaction to show your DH how he's behaving? How it feels from his point of view in the moment and how it appears when viewed a little more calmly later may be very different for him. He could then see what you mean about aggression and abruptness.

I've often thought how helpful that would be! But can't see either of them agreeing to it.... possibly worth tentatively suggesting though?

I could have written your post,except mine concerns my dh & my dd .
She's just turned 19 & dh is her step dad (has been in her life for over 15 years).
They fall out more than they get on.
& it's been going on for over 5 years now.
Very similar to how you describe. Little things that dd does piss dh off,so then there's loads of low level bickering,which sometimes escalated into a full blown argument.
It's pissed me off massively over the years & I have even thought about leaving,even though dh & I have a really good marriage,apart from this.
I have sat them both down (umpteen times) & tole them how upsetting & annoying it is for me & things will be ok,sometimes for quite a while. Then it will all kick off again.
I've tried to psychoanalysis all the reasons for it - dh's strict father,dd's shit bio father,dh living separately from his bio sons,but I've not really solved anything.
Dd was hard,hard work as a teen,but I feel she's coming out of that angry,moody phase now & we have a really good relationship.
But dh & her still struggle with their relationship.

Family therapy? I haven’t experienced this myself but have heard it can be very helpful

Is there something they both enjoy doing - a hobby, watching football, cycling etc that they can do together/ look forward to when DH is home to bond better/ grow to understand each other better?

We would all be living in a war zone if we picked our teens up on every single thing that pisses us off!! Your DH needs to pick his battles and chill a bit.

I let far more go now than I ever believed I would when mine were tiny. There are some non negotiable things though - I won’t tolerate rudeness, don’t mind swearing as long as it’s not aimed at a person. I let the laziness, messy rooms etc go. I need to know if they’re coming home and if not where they’re staying.

I could have also written this post. We are having huge issues here between my son and DH, also sometimes DH and DD. Like your DH he has the authoritarian approach and beleives the kids should obey him at all times. He works late in the week and I could say we have very few problems in the week. My son is only 10 and autistic and over reacts when things go wrong and also is a stickler for certain things like correct grammar and routines and I work hard to stick to these things and I do sometimes get things wrong but DH won't stick to these rules as he feels he is being dictated too - how he needs to pour the milk and what words he is allowed to speak. My DD as also realised by winding him up she gets a reaction. Her favourite is swearing as she knows he reacts she does't bother with me now as I don't react. He also holds grudges against them. I wonder if I am too soft as when I am on my own I let them do things he would never dream of but then there is rarely any conflict. He hates kids in General and will do anything to aviod them apart from his perfect neice and nephew who are absolutely shit scared of their dad they behave perfectly. They have never used attitude or swore or eaten chocalate in the lounge. When my DD asked her cousin once why she was always so good she said could coz her dad is too scary! She will be a naughty adult instead!!

Oh gosh storminateacup, that sounds horrid for your niece and nephew. And not great for you either! How do you stay calm/sane when you, DH and kds are all together, at weekends and holidays etc?

To PP who asked about joint activities .. DS and DH don't really have any things they like to do in common, sadly. They do both quite like rugby but despite my encouraging DH in the past, to take DS to matches together, he's only got around to it on the odd occasion and now there's so much bad feeling between them that they don't want to do anything together. Can barely get them to sit through a family meal.

I could have written your post 8 years ago, which I realise is ages.
My DH also works away and, looking back, on those days I expected DS to step up to some of the things his father did when he was at home- dog walking, bin duty etc. Also I would ask what he fancied for supper, let him dictate TV schedule and so on.
When DH got back the two of them clashed constantly. It was like rutting stags jockeying for the top spot.
I know PP say your DH is a problem, but in our case my DS needed boundaries and he would be the first to say now, that knowing his Father would clearly take no shit stood him in good shape to work hard to pass his A-Levels and to thrive at university.
Having said that, my DH was always mature enough to leave those rows at home and they enjoyed sport/ movies together throughout the challenges.
I agree it is not ideal to undermine your DH but, after the event, I would explain to DS (and to my DH if he needed telling!) that I could see why clashes happened and say now is the time to move on.
Tell your DH to get some Quilter Cup tickets, book a lunch together near the stadium and be proud his son has a mind of his own.

We used to have this

DH and I have very different parenting styles, he is a lot more authoritarian, and wants to be "obeyed"

I am very much about appealing to them to be reasonable, giving them time and let them make mistakes/have their own responsibility

We both want the same though, as I imagine you and your DH do

We used to have stressy mornings with lots of shouting (from DH about the boys getting up/packing their stuff/leaving the house on time) and I said mornings were too stressful (for me ) and could we try a change... Now DC get ready on their own terms, they leave the house on time, in the correct uniform, and actually never miss the school bus. Sometimes they forget their PE kit or have not done their homework, then the school give them a detention, then they become more careful.

Just changing our mornings has made DH realise that lots of shouting orders is unnecessary, and adds unnecessary stress.

So he was more open to changing his attitude. Saying that, at time it is great to have a more authoritative parent (and if DH is right I back him up).

I guess we all make it up as we go along ......

Could you persuade DH to do one small aspect of parenting your way, then asses the results together? And move from there?

That sounds like it worked really well for you .... definitely worth me thinking about, thank you. Yesterday DH asked our son to do something, in a much softer tone of voice than usual, and it was done. No issues. No arguing. Fab! I pointed out to DH right away, that I'd noticed the positive difference it had made but he kind of brushed it off. I guess it's hard to admit that I might have a point!
Trouble is, it's such a huge change to his default way of communicating that it feels like a big effort for him. He's 'tried' before but he soon reverts back to the norm and we're back to square one before i know it. Esp if he's tired and stressed which can be quite often!

It isn't just boys who don't respond to super authoritarian parenting... My late H was dreadful for it and wouldn't listen to anything that smacked of an alternative approach. We had it during the toddler years and then again, worse, during the teenage years. If I made any suggestion of trying a different way of communicating, he would just dismiss it as 'crap off the Internet'. Never mind that it worked, and his approach did not.

We split up for completely different reasons, but the moment he left the home it was like a cloud lifting.

DDs were never, ever in trouble at school, were high achievers, got constant comments on how well behaved and pleasant they were. To listen to H you'd have thought they were a pair of delinquent foul-mouthed monsters...

My DH & DD are the same! She hates him because he is always picking on her, causing arguments that he doesn’t with my other two DD’s. Consequently she is vile back and I don’t blame her. DH works nights and lates 4x week and life is certainly calmer when he is not around. Their behaviour towards each other is relentless and affects everyone, I hate him for it and personally can only see leaving him as a solution as I would never forgive myself for messing up their childhoods because he can’t act reasonably!

I could have written this post my dh is exactly same and has the same parenting style. I

My DH and DS (16) loathe each other. One step out of line and DH starts shouting, plus he criticises me all the time for how I deal with my son. The tricky dynamics have been heightened since our DD left home for university last September. I truly believe the problem is a jealousy thing - DH feeling put out by the amount of attention I am giving to our son (he's hard work and does not respond to an authoritarian approach!). No idea what the answer is, but I know who's side I'm on...! Good luck

Do you think this is mainly a father/son thing?? I have two boys but he is alot softer with our younger son although he pretty much does what hes told. Ds1 on the other hand will moan and answer back. It really does cause an atmosphere in the house 😢

I am afraid your OH has simply got this all wrong; but I am not sure how you can get him to change.

As others have rightly said you pick your battles - you will have no ammunition left when there is something really serious to pull your son up on.

I wish you luck in getting this through to your OH. He sounds like a stubborn teenager!

I know this is a really old post but I wondererd if anyone was experiencing this or whether they have come out the other side with the dh and dc having a good relationship? I'm so sick of the arguments and being in the middle. It's putting a massive strain on my relationship to the point I feel like I have to choose even though on the whole dh is a good husband 😔

Have things improved Dotty?

my husband and I have a pre teen son and a younger son. And I felt the same way as you. For context Our pre teen has autism and an intellectual disability. My husband was always considerably softer with him then our youngest. They would bicker all the time. Our youngest is beyond a mummy’s boy and would be glued to my hip. My role was peacemaker. After months of pulling my husband up on his parenting style he one day changed and agreed to do the gentle parenting approach. For the last few months I would say there’s been a 70% decrease in arguments. I wish you all the best x