Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

17 year old leaves home

43 replies

Smile73 · 06/02/2019 17:56

Hi, my son has gone to live with girlfriend and family. He is refusing to see us and also his attendance of college is low (but officially full time) He has a job paying £90 so we have said we will stop financially supporting him. To horror I have discovered that the other family could demand child maintenance for the live-in boyfriend of their daughter. Has anyone any idea if this is enforceable? We have two other children and this would cripple us financially, especially as he is planning to do another year of college because he expects to not get very good A'levels.

OP posts:

Parky04 · 06/02/2019 19:33

I would give your son the child maintenance as you are not entitled to this if he is not living with you. But absolutely no more. It's his choice to move out and with that decision comes responsibilities.

AnyFucker · 06/02/2019 19:37

Some of you are being a bit snippy with op

This sounds like a nightmare, love. And certainly like this other family are seeing pound signs. I wouldn't pay them anything and I would be doing everything in my power to get my son back home.

Does he enjoy his college course ? If you insisting on his attendance is a big bone of contention keeping him away, would you allow him to switch to something else or apply for an apprenticeship ?

Think of ways to make home more attractive (without making mugs of yourself of course)

skunkatanka · 06/02/2019 19:37

Why should she? She doesn't want him to live there. She wants him to come home

But he is there and he is not yet an adult. He clearly doesn't want to be at home and at least while he's there, he's not on the streets.

Original poster

Smile73 · 06/02/2019 19:41

Because he wants to live in the town centre and with his girlfriend. There is no other reason. The only arguments we have had are about drug use and his attendance of college. If his attendance improves we will start to support him again. The problem for me is that I have just found out that the other family could take child maintenance from us. (PS. have you heard of drug dealing to support a habit?)

OP posts:

Caselgarcia · 06/02/2019 19:50

I don't think you should pay maintenance especially as you want him to come home. It's also allowing him to live his life the way he wants without any recourse. If he's not attending college where he is and is doing drugs, there's no way I would pay.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 06/02/2019 20:09

I wouldn't pay them a bean or him either.

Bouledeneige · 06/02/2019 20:35

I'm sorry about this situation OP.

I think as others have said you can refuse to pay since you would prefer to have him living at home with you. However I'm anxious that stopping supporting him disincentivises him working and could seem like a punishment. If he has 90 quid surely he can buy drugs anyway if that's the issue?

I think rather than focus on the money issues think about how you can build bridges with your son. With love you need to tell him that your house will always be home, that you'd like him to come back but within the terms of house rules. And that you'd like to help him determine his future - school or college might not be for him, but perhaps you can explore the options for apprenticeships or work.

I feel for you I really do. Teenagers are so tough to deal with. Their brains aren't yet developed enough to understand the consequences of all their actions but this is a crucial time and you want to make sure he doesn't irreparably damage his future options. Good luck to you.

TaimaandRanyasBestFriend · 06/02/2019 20:51

Boule don't you think she's already tried all that loving advice ?

lljkk · 06/02/2019 21:16

I'm a cowbag so I would put him out of my mind. Kids have to make some bad decisions to learn how to make good ones. And I have a policy otherwise of not worrying about hypothetical things or things I can't change.

He's not in contact with you so how do you have contact with the girlfriend's family to hear their opinions, are you messaging them or are they messaging you? Is it helpful to you to message them or read their messages?

Original poster

Smile73 · 06/02/2019 21:20

Thank you for the advice everyone! I given I'm a lot of money over the last few months and spent a couple of years trying to explore education options with him. To be honest, college are pulling their hair out too now so I have used money as a sanction in support of them because the other family collude with his behaviour.

I have just found out that if you live with a partner, it stops housing benefit being claimed. So hopefully that will enable us to work this through rather than getting into a legal battle with the family.

OP posts:

Bouledeneige · 06/02/2019 21:22

I'm not saying she didn't - I simply don't know the history, only what she wrote in the post. I'm sorry if I've missed all of that. And my apologies to OP if I ought to know what you know. It's not a criticism.

I am currently hosting my DDs BF who is falling out with his parents on a regular basis - they are being so extreme towards him I'm shocked by the lack of love and the unkindness. He's such a thoroughly decent and thoughtful guy and regularly distraught. (And no I'm not charging anyone rent).

I just think it's important to try and keep the avenues of communication open. But disputes about money with the gf's family could divert attention from what's important. His future and their relationship. Love and kindness.

Original poster

Smile73 · 06/02/2019 21:52

I agree entirely Bouledeneige! I had one of his friends here for a couple of months and we did loads of mediation with the Mum. Unfortnuately the other family don't really see things that way. I suspect my son tells some tall stories too!

OP posts:

elliemillie · 08/02/2019 19:23

Bouledeneige I won't be too quick to judge the parents of the boy in your house when you haven't lived with them and their son.
I doubt he is going to be unpleasant to his girlfriend's parents but he might be a nightmare at home with his own parents.

My DD hits me and is generally horrible if i don't give her money for weed or ask her to go to school, but is the most pleasant girl her boyfriend's mother has ever met. But then again she has sat smoking weed with them and it's not my cup of tea so I maybe unkind in that sense.

Smile I don't think you should give them money. I would do a weekly food shop for him so all he is paying for from his salary is rent. If he needs anything, buy it instead of handing money over. That way you haven't abandoned him but you are making sure there is no money being spent on drugs either.
Good luck with it. Sounds like a nightmare.

Bryjam · 08/02/2019 19:32

I would give your son the child maintenance as you are not entitled to this if he is not living with you

@Parky04

What on earth does this mean ?

OP is 100% entitled to keep her own money and do with it as she pleases. Why should she pay maintenance to a family she doesn't even want her son living with

Bryjam · 08/02/2019 19:33

First paragraph bold fail

Original poster

Smile73 · 08/02/2019 19:43

Yes - our son was really difficult at home and generally charming to everyone else on the planet. He is a talented pianist too, which impresses everyone. The problem for us is that he does not comply with anything and money is the only influence we have. We have been giving him £80 a week but it did not help him attend college. I phoned the Child Maintenance people and they said based on our income we would only have to pay £59 ... so seems like we were being pretty generous with our cash. Still paying for piano lessons at the moment .... but a reduction in funds has made no difference to the attendance of college. Quite honestly, I feel we need to say no to him. He is bright able and talented but just won't take any responsibility for his choices.

OP posts:

nrpmum · 08/02/2019 19:44

Having gone through this last year I can categorically tell you that you will be liable for child maintenance if they claim child benefit for him. However, if they do, you will be contacted to confirm living arrangements. It is an awful situation. Very distressing emotionally. I hope you can resolve it amicably.

One year on and my son and I have a much better relationship.

Original poster

Smile73 · 08/02/2019 19:45

Yes ... there may be some confusion between child benefit and child maintenance! I don't think children are entitled to 12% of our salary as a rule!!! I have stopped claiming child benefit.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread