Found Razor and bloody tissues in a box in DD (15) room

[ninja]

DD(15) has a history of anxiety, poor sleep ... and admitted to self harm by scratching herself about 2.5 years ago (I'm pretty certain she'd been doing this since she was about 10) - at the time she was also having very disturbing thoughts about jumping out of third floor windows, not wanting to wake up ...

She was referred to CAMHS but that was stopped when her father (a mental health nurse so should know better) told her that she didn't want that on her record, Universities would know ... he does, however pay for a private counsellor for her.

DD is in year 11 now and has the normal anxieties that that brings. She's a very bright high achieving girl, enjoys learning and is doing very well (but is obviously under pressure both from school and herself to get top grades). She seems happier in herself, has a couple of good friends, she lives 50 - 50 between her dad's and mine and while there have been issues in the past that's all quite settled.

However last week I had a phonecall from school saying she'd had a massive panic attack during one of her lessons and then on Saturday while I was changing her sheets I found a box with a razor and bloody tissues in it. I'm fairly certain it's not been there for long but tbh I could have overlooked it before.

She was at her Dad's (Friday until tomorrow, Wednesday) so I've spoken to him but he hasn't brought it up with her (although to be fair she's been having stomach problems and has been feeling sick for the last 10 days).

I don't think I can ignore this but I'm not sure what to say to her or the best way to approach this. She has a younger sister (10) so I can't really speak to her alone until she's in bed.

Any advice would be really gratefully received.

To start with I would phrase it as a catch up. Don't mention the box, it'll put her on the defensive.

You've noticed she's under a lot of pressure and you wanted to see how she is doing. Reiterate that she can talk to you about anything and you won't be angry, you love her no matter what and all you want to do is support her.

If she doesn't raise it by herself then gently tell her that you found the box and you would like to look into some healthier coping strategies & self care techniques. Is there any time you can schedule in for the near future just you and her? (I.e. time out without her little sister)

Thanks Bobbiepin, I do have one night a fortnight with just her (next Monday) so I can certainly try and use that time to do something positive with her.

She's not generally keen on opening up about anything that's worrying her.

Any ideas about what self help strategies that I can suggest?

Bring her to camhs.

Some use an elastic band that they 'ping' this gives a pain but without the cutting. This could be a way of helping the cutting.
If she tries to avoid anxiety provoking situations? And suggest she's open with her therapist who can discuss & plan strategies & prevent build up of emotion.

It sounds like your DD isn't coping well at the moment so she needs to know you are there for her in any way she needs you to be.

Windows - unfortunately I can't see that I'd persuade her to go to CAMHS. Her dad really damaged that possibility. In the past he's done his best to to ruin the relationship between me and her - telling her I like her sister better (and that he prefers her), telling her lies about me (such as I ended our marriage - Sven it was him).

Since he had a stroke last year and I supported him he's been a lot more reasonable but even though I'm there for her, I'm the one who supports her school work, organises activities that she wants to do ... my relationship with her is still fragile.

Poor you, I am sorry. I've been there. I can tell you what I've done and learned and hope that something helps. Please ignore anything that isn't helpful.

It's about emotional release, so cutting helps when someone can't talk about or otherwise handle their feelings. There isn't really a link to suicide. This is what a counsellor told me (she specialises in children). DD sneered when I told her the bit about suicide but hey.

It's very, very, very common in teens these days, I am bewildered by but there you go.

I contacted an org called HarmLess and bought their workbook, which I gave to dd. She did fill it in and she said it helped.

I told her I was always there to listen and I have been.

I found her a private counsellor and she has been going for a few months.

I told her she needed to take care of herself and tell me if she needed anything. She asked for Vitamin E cream and tablets, both of which I bought her and she used / took.

I read as much as I could. I came to understand that it was nothing to do with anything I had done and therefore I didn't need to do anything differently. This was a big revelation to me 2 weeks in - we were on eggshells around her before working this out. She confirmed that it wasn't my fault (unprompted, I didn't ask, obviously)

I have seen my dd in underwear recently and I am fairly sure that there are no new scars and that the ones that are there are old. But teenagers lie, all the time IME so I could be wrong.

I think she comes and sees me when she is considering cutting herself so she is quite clingy and needy atm but that's fine with me, whatever stops her is fine by me. (if indeed it does stop her).

She is 15 and I thought she was happy, she sings all the time and is a cheerful person so I was shocked when she told me. But she did tell me so that's good and she is feeling a bit better, she says the counselling helps.

Good luck.
She wrote in her diary that "mummy is trying to fix me" - er, yes, I am trying to help but maybe I was over zealous, damned if you do, damned if you don't though and I'd rather be that way than the other.

www.harmless.org.uk/

Thanks that's helpful hearing from someone who's been through it.

ExH has now spoken to her so she knows what I've found and she's says that it's been going on a couple of months.

I'll speak to her when I get the chance and try and find some strategies to help but also to try and work on her overall anxiety (not that I haven't tried to do this but maybe she'll talk about this more now).

I'll have a look at the links you sent.