I don't know what to do with my teen.

[GuitarLover12]

Hello Mums,

First post on here so hopefully I'm posting in the right place. Needed some help/advice in regards to my teenage daughter who is being a real piece of work.

It all started with a single argument which I thought we had moved on from. From being a lovely, caring and kind 17 years old teen, she is now a horrible, selfish and unruly teenager.
She says she hates me and never does anything I recommend (despite it always being in her best interests). I have tried so many different ways of getting my point across yet she is completely uninterested. I have tried listening to her, picking up on small cues and inviting her for things we used to love to do together but she refuses everything.

I am nearing the end of my tether and hope you lovely ladies would be able to give me some more advice.

Loves,

GuitarLover12 x

What was the argument about? Has anyone apologised?

Teens are hard work, it's probably the toughest stage. But arguing with them is like arguing with a toddler. Pointless.

The argument was about her purposefully delaying something which I had been asking her to do for a while. It seems so minor in comparison to what is going on now.

I apologised to her if she felt upset. I tell her she loved every day no matter what. I cannot have a simple conversation to her without her being horrible. I really don't know what has changed.

Ah so not a major row about something big but just niggling turning into drama.

She sounds like my 13 year old tbh. My oldest is 20 and was lovely until she hit 14 and then gave me utter hell for two years. She is now lovely again.

My 13 year old is exhausting at the moment. Everything can be turned into a row by her.

All I can advise is keep calm, don't let her 'get' to you, she's lashing out where she feels safe. Wait until she is having an ok moment, make a dinner she really likes to get her to sit down and then just ask her if everything is ok in her world.

Sometimes my DD comes home and is just awful. Eventually it will come out that someone annoyed her at school and instead of taking it out on them, it comes back to me.

She also needs to learn that some things are absolutely unacceptable. Explain that while anger can be a healthy emotion to release, she should not be upsetting you in the process. She knows you love her but I think they forget we can have hurt feelings too.

I have boys but I have found the best way to deal with the want to be a grown up but don't behave like one behaviour is to give them responsibility for their own decisions.

You can tell them, once, what you'd advise but after that it's up to them.

Easier said than done but I've found that when genuinely left to stand on their own feet they make good decisions, whereas when I nag, they deliberately go against me.

Thank you lovelies for all of the advice.

I just tried talking it out with her and she gave me an earful about not wanting to be my daughter, how she hates me and never wants to see my face again. It's becoming harder for me to figure out what's causing this with every talk we have.

The worst thing is that she is doing well in school and is fine to everyone else (not sure if it is an act or the real her) but everything changes the minute I see her. I've asked her if I'm doing something wrong and all she does is shout back.

I apologised to her if she felt upset. I'm sorry but from here, that doesn't sound like much of an apology.

What would have happened if she had left the task?

Op, she sounds a little like my DD - 18.5 but always been a little immature for age - having a gap year working in retail, whilst planning to go volunteering and travelling abroad later in year.

This bit in particular stood out:
never does anything I recommend (despite it always being in her best interests). I have tried so many different ways of getting my point across yet she is completely uninterested.

I have tried to advise and guide DD with sorting some work problems, managing money, etc - I get called a control freak and that I must let her do it her way (despite as you say, us sometimes knowing better ways).

I have had to take a big step back and let her be for my own mental health - it is part of her becoming an independent adult and they only learn by their mistakes! And if she isn’t proactive in chasing underpaid Xmas hours, thats her loss.

I also sometimes feel as if I cant speak to her at all, but then other times she is very chatty, and does help in the house, cook etc, on days we work and she doesn’t. So I can see the young woman emerging and know that I have to just bite my tongue.

I had to laugh last week, I took her and a friend to local town to catch train to nearest city for concert and overnight (I was going to town anyway). She spent the whole journey there telling me how I couldn’t drive (9 months passed versus 38 yrs!) and how teenagers DO know everything. Ten mins after drop off I got a call saying she had booked her train ticket for completely the wrong day. So she doesn’t quite know everything 😂😂😂

And yes I also get the I hate you, you’re an awful mum etc. She is better with DH, but even told him the other week that he had never done anything for her ever. He is a v hands on dad, does so much for both kids, so she shot herself in the foot massively and has had to grovel to him since.

Keep hanging in, I am sure it will improve (well I hope so 🤞)

If mine critique my driving I ask them if they would like dropping off at the bus stop. Buses aren't exactly regular where we live

Thank you for the responses. I'm glad to see that I'm not the only one.

@JiltedJohnsJulie that was a misprint. I was mean to type "as she felt upset". I apologised quite a few times for upsetting her when I told her off (despite it not being anywhere near the number of downright vile things I've had to hear) and I do keep going back to make sure she is okay. Unfortunately, she seems to have completely closed off from me and since DH is out of the picture I'm not too sure who to turn to for advice.

It's coming up to 3 weeks that she has now been like this and I'm starting to wonder if she'll ever come out of this phase. The struggle for a simple and normal conversation with her is real.

I do hope she gets out of this phase too and she does start to come around like yours @SophiesDog11. How did you find your mental health was affected (if you don't mind sharing of course ?

JiltedJohnsJulie - yes indeed re the bus, but I knew she was showing off in front of friend. And I did have the last laugh regarding her picking the wrong day when booking train ticket!

Op - I like problems to be sorted and was getting stressed and anxious whilst she took her time working out how to address them (and ignoring any advice). I have just had to step back and not get as involved, to get my stress levels down and anxiety under control.

OP unfortunately my relationship with my teenage dd got so bad she has now gone to live with her dad.
At first I was mortified but actually I think I have out up with enough if her selfish childish behaviour. It's his turn 😉
However, it doesn't mean it doesn't really hurt me when she texts nasty comments or ignores my calls and I miss her terribly.

Something that helps me is chatting with other parents of teenage girls and also watching the programme :
'Better Things.'
It's a BBC programme but is also on YouTube. It's a mother and her daughter and the relationships. It's really well done and makes you feel quite normal lol

Do you think here’s something else going on? It might be nothing to do with you but she’s upset about something else and taking it out on you? Studies, friends, boyfriends drugs?

I have just had to step back and not get as involved. It's tough but you have to do it for your own sanity.

My DH often needs reminding though that the DC know what they need to do, know what happens if they don't and who's problem it is if they don't do the thing (usually studying).

My 16 year old DD has always been very easy going and biddable. She has recently become much more difficult and teenagery. Today she threw me out of her room as I am apparently useless at helping with homework. She then shouted that my whole life had been in vain as I am a terrible mother. I find it quite difficult but am trying to tell myself it’s just a stage.....

When I turned 16 I was a total twat with my parents, looking back for no real reason. I was defiant and wanted to do what I wanted to do. They had my best interests at heart but I rebelled masssively against them. I’d stay out at my bfs house when they told me not too, I’d sneak out at all hours of the night and was a bit nasty really.
My Alevels dropped from being predicted 4As to scrapping through with 2Cs!

I eventually got into a uni and even then I wasn’t great, relied on them heavily for money and pissed it all up the wall!

I do remember at various points telling them both I hated them, you name it I said it.

Then came my early 20s and the realisation of what a total dickhead I had been for the previous 4/5 years hit me. I’m early 30s now and my mum is my best friend and we have the best relationship. We laugh about how much of a nightmare I was now... but I do regret it.

She will come out the other end OP , hopefully won’t take as long as me, but no advice can really help apart from don’t give up on her and show you care. I kick myself for not actually listening to my parents now so just keep doing what you are doing

I've got a 12 year old daughter untill she started high school she was a loving truthful person.
But now she is distant and , lies she has been caught shoplifting , but let off. Her attitude towards me and my partner is awful unless she wants something. Her attitude at school is also bad. Her behaviour and disrupting the class is a issue.
Her father isn't in the picture at the moment as he is a piece of work and has even blocked her on his phone. Hes never been there for her, but she misses him. His family arnt consistent they speak to her when it pleases them.

My partner of 8 years ( we moved in together in april) and me try to give her everythinh within reason but she doesnt deserve it. Im at my wits end and i find myself breaking down in tears when im on my own because I don't know what to do. Any advise would be grateful.