Help with self-esteem/confidence issues in teens?

[MeltingWax]

Does anyone know of any books/apps/strategies or courses/workshops which can help with self-esteem and confidence issues for teens?

DD (aged 12 - Year 7) seems to be really struggling with self-esteem at the moment. She is always saying she's rubbish at stuff, can't do anything right, is a horrible person. etc.

I don't know where these feelings are coming from. We have tried our best at home to build her confidence. We don't use negative words to describe her, always praise effort and when she does well, etc.

She is academic and puts a lot of pressure on herself to do well in tests, etc. Again, I don't think this pressure comes from us at home.

She plays different musical instruments and enjoys orchestral playing but does not like performing on her own in front of people. That's fine - and it's not for everyone. But her desire to shrink into a crowd is starting to get a bit debilitating. She says she gets so nervous speaking in class that she starts to shake. She even gets nervous interacting with the woman on the till when she gets her lunch at school.

She has expressed a desire to talk to someone outside the family about how she's feeling so I was thinking of getting in touch with someone from pastoral care at school. Is this the sort of thing they can help with or is it only the students who are in greater need of support?

Has anyone had any luck with books which can help? Or any workshops/courses I can look into for her?

She used to do Stagecoach when she was younger but got bored with it so stopped going. She didn't have confidence issues then though - it's all seemed to have come on this last year. I know a lot of it is her age but I just feel a bit helpless knowing what to do to best support her.

Hi Meltingwax, it's tricky isn't it? My DD was very outgoing when younger then things changed when she was about 12 and she wouldn't speak to anyone eg once she wanted some popcorn at the cinema but wouldn't go to kiosk, even though no other customers.

I don't have any magic answers except for lots of love and reassurance.Perhaps mention she is not alone, I'm sure it is a lot to do with age and they grow out of it. If she can chat to you (or another family member) about it I think that is the most important thing. Assure her that being shaky and nervous infront of an audience is a common thing, ( I have read about actors and singers being like this, my DS suffered from this and myself and DH when we were younger!) My DD is almost 17 now and has grown out of a lot of it but she still does have self esteem issues. She took up a martial arts class when she was around 10 and I think this help her quite a lot, even though it did not involved much speaking.

If she has a quiet personality she may benefit from the book by Susan Cain called 'Quiet:the Power of introverts in a world that can't stop talking' DD bought this for herself when she was about 13 or 14 and found it helpful. Try not to worry too much, it will improve and yes perhaps there's more help out there at school if you ask.

Hi there, Shady. Thank you for replying with your DD's experiences. And it's great that your DD has grown in confidence with age. I know my DD will never be the most extrovert of people - which of course is more than fine - neither am I!

I think I will make some enquiries at school. I have spoken about it with her again today and she is very clear that she would like the opportunity to talk about her feelings - which is positive, I guess!

I actually bought that book Quiet for my mum about a year ago. I will ask to borrow it back for DD to read.

Thanks again.

sounds strange but i would suggest martial arts. something for her to eventually excel at something physical to build up her self esteem.
or swimming/diving? what is available to you?

She is a good swimmer, she has been through all the stages and also completed a rookie life-guarding course. She was swimming in the borough squad but it got very competitive and they were asking for more and more practice session (including before school). We couldn't fit it all in with her music commitments as well and she chose to concentrate on music as whilst she is a strong swimmer and good at long distance, she was not fast and was finding it a bit dispiriting always coming at the back of the pack. There didn't seem to be any non-competitive group sessions for her age available so we stopped and she goes a few times a month with friends just for fun.

Am not sure I will be able to persuade her into trying a martial art but will have a chat with her.

What's her friendship group like?

IME suddenly starting this can be an indicator that there's a bit of a toxic friendship issue they're struggling with.

Yes, I have thought the same about friendships.

She started at secondary school in September - the only girl from her primary school to go to that school so she started knowing nobody. She had some of these kinds of feelings around then and then it seemed to get better. Now the anxious feelings about not being good enough seem to be creeping back in again.

I don't really know any of her new friends yet. I have been monitoring her phone - there's no obvious drama on there - a few niggles but nothing major. I have asked her about friendships and she claims all is well. It could be hormonal too of course. Sigh. I may also be over-thinking things. I just don't know where she's getting this obsession with 'not being good enough' from.

I know what you mean about the problems of friendship groups and not feeling good enough. Although DD has improved she seemed to have a sudden crisis of confidence just after Christmas before going back to college wondering if people like her and she has always struggled with making friends.

Whilst a lot of this comes with the territory of being a teenager (hormones def play a part in a lot of DDs moods) I think there is also a general society 'downer' on people who are quiet as if it's some really bad personality trait. In my exp, the education system doesn not help with this either, myself, DH,DD and DS have all been on the receiving end of school reports that state no matter how well behaved and hard working we are the 'quiet' tag is mentioned as a negative thing. I'm not sure if this applies in your DDs reports but it infuriates me, it is like a drip feed of saying 'your peronality needs changing, you need to become louder' but I think it can embed itself in us at a young age and it can harm self esteem. Sorry, going off on a tangent with one of my theories!

It sounds like your DD has got a lot going for her hobby wise, is she happy to play to an audience with the rest of the orchestra then? That sounds great, is there a need for her to do a solo, not for everyone like you say. And who cares if the swimming is not competitve now (competitiveness is overrated in this day and age) if she is a good swimmer. Would she be interested in doing more with the life guarding skills, that might help her confidence? I think it just helps to find things she enjoys and is quite good at to help build confidence, the little extras that come with day to day life just take time to slot in place, she'll get there. Hope you get somewhere with the school meanwhile.

Interestingly, I am currently reading 'Becoming' by Michelle Obama, the 'not being good enough' doubts run right through the book starting from her childhood. So our DDs are in good company!

Yes, the 'needing to speak up more' in class is definitely a theme from teacher reports. Her primary teachers were much more gentle about it and seemed to just accept that that's part of her personality but I guess at secondary they are trying to prepare them for the big wide world.

I contacted the head of year by email over the weekend and received a very helpful response last night (on a Sunday too, which was very unexpected) with different options of how they can offer support. The head of year is going to speak with DD this week and then we are going to chat about options. Her email was very reassuring and I showed it to DD.

I have looked into different swimming options. The rookie lifeguarding course which she did was right in the middle of the day on a Saturday. I guess it wasn't a very popular slot as she was the only participant. I thought at one point they would cancel the course as she was basically receiving 1-1 tuition but they kept it on and as she was the only one she motored through the bronze, silver and gold stages very quickly. Now that it's finished, unfortunately, the next thing would be to wait until she's old enough to do the proper life-guarding course. She had got to stage 9 in the normal swimming lessons and they were all competitive and involved races which she really didn't want to do. She tried the non-competitive squad option but even that involved half the session doing relays which she hated. She enjoys going swimming with her friends and I think we will leave it at that until she's old enough to do the life-guarding course if she is still interested by then.

Regarding her music - she plays in three different orchestras weekly and she enjoys it. She is going on a residential course at Easter with one of her instruments and she is really looking forward to that as she loved PGL in Year 6. The Easter course is non-auditioned but the same orchestra run a summer course which you do have to audition for. That is why I am trying to gently encourage her to perform in front of others on her own - as she gets older and progresses there will be more opportunities open to her if she is willing to audition for them and put herself out there a bit.

Thank you all for your advice. Maybe I will also get the Michelle Obama book for her to read! I will see what the school suggest this week and then take it from there...thanks again!

It sounds like you are doing all the right things Melting, just take it steady. It sounds like she has got some great hobbies/skills and she'll be ok. You sound like a great mum too. The response (on a Sunday!) form school sounds encouraging.

Re the book, she doesn't particularly say she stuggles with confidence a lot or anything, it's more the 'am I good enough' thing that came to mind. If your DD likes reading it is a good one, although I am cheating a bit as I got Audible for Christmas!

Do you have pets a dog or cat can help

Have a look at the BACP website. There may be a therapist in your area that specialises in child self esteem issues.
She can always speak to childline or even the Samaritans if she feels the need to off load confidentially.

I think it's very common at this age. My dd was the same as were many of her friends. She's now in year 9 and much more confident although still very self conscious but they all are! Year 7 is an awful year in my opinion. Very confusing and quite scary. I'd just make sure you take any opportunity to boost her confidence. Dd got involved in some school clubs which helped make new friends and have something to focus on and learn which built her confidence.

shady - thank you! I know I need to give it time and fight against my instincts to just want to make it all ok - right now! Wishing your DD all the best too.

little - yes, we adopted a rescue cat about this time last year. She (the cat) is such a gentle wee soul, she has really helped us all I think to destress a bit.

noego - I started looking in the local area for private counselling. The head of year has suggested that DD could access counselling in school through Aspace. I think we will see how that goes. The HoY also said that the school is introducing a new programme from next half-term specifically to help girls (I think) with self-esteem. Am really hoping that will help.

titsywoo - it is so difficult, isn't it? I keep trying to tell myself that it's mainly her age. But my mum has struggled with mental health issues her whole life. And when I see what my mum has gone through as the future for DD then, well, that makes me feel very low indeed. DD already plays in orchestra at school and she has just signed up for a drawing comics club which takes place over a lunchtime once a week. We're just waiting to see if she has a place on it. That's probably not a very 'outgoing' kind of activity but still, hopefully she will make some friends that way.