dd and family time

[Karwomannghia]

My dd (12) y8 and very teenagery can be very moody when she doesn’t get her own way but also can get anxious and starts over thinking and worrying about things, she worried for a long time about completely normal body issues e.g. hair coming out in shower or on her brush.

Anyway she loves spending time with her friends and this is very much when she is happiest. She had some issues last year where the group leader fell out with her and she was left out of things by others because the group leader didn’t invite her and no one else did.
I helped her reestablish other friendships in the group and now they’re all friends again without it all going through the leader.
Last week she got teary and said she was bored. I recognised she hadn’t seen friends for a few days and took a long time persuading her to send a message suggesting a meet up if anyone was free. She didn’t want to for fear of rejection. She did eventually do it and got a positive response and since then has seen friends everyday this week. Much happier.
She just came to say how she was seeing friends today and tomorrow.

I told her tomorrow we’re visiting grandma and she said but we saw her a bit ago etc (Xmas) and were seeing sil (same rrsponse). Then she just went silent and moody.
I tried to say I understand you want to spend time with your friends and not your family but you have to.
How do I navigate this without getting hurt or cross or upsetting her?

Did she that there were plans in place before she made the arrangements OP?

I’m not sure. I thought we’d talked about it with her there but maybe not.

If you are not sure I'd be tempted to let her go with her friends, especially if she's been having friendship troubles.

Could you arrange another meet up with DGP and tell DD about it to make sure she knows?

We have a shared family calendar which I expect them to check before making arrangements.

It might be worth setting one up to avoid future double bookings

I think I'd let her off especially if she's having friendship issues. I'm sure the last thing she really wants to do on the weekend is spend time with grandma and aunt at that age. You can bring her along next time. As long as it's not an important occasion like a birthday etc.

It was around this age when DC started making their own social arrangements that started seeing family without them. We’d make arrangements, let them know what we were doing but it was up to them if they came with us or did their own thing. It’s worked well, sometimes they come with us sometimes not but no pressure. They usually want to visit family now if they don’t have to.

Ok thanks all for the advice. It’s not a special occasion but it’s the first time to see them all together for a while and cousins will be there and it’s an hour and half drive away.
We have a shared diary but I tend to just put stuff like clubs and when I’m going out in it. Good advice to involve them in decision making for when to see people etc and then put it in the shared diary. Quite a simple change.
Saying that she gets a fixed idea about how she wants things to be done and gets moody if it isn’t the way she would like, no matter how much planning and involvement there is. She’s more dictator than democrat!!

She’s more dictator than democrat!! Aren't they all?

Good to know!!

I’ve just realised she had definitely been told about the arrangement before she made plans with her friend as I cancelled her usual gym session last week with her because of it. I just reminded her of that and she said she’d forgotten about it.
So I will let her choose tomorrow still and in future make decisions with her and put it in the shared diary and try and get her into the habit of checking it. DS (14) generally is happy to join!

As a general rule, with my kids we have events they can attend and 3 line whips no ifs no buts you will come! I email them dates and use the family messenger group so no excuses. Yes I get moans but it works pretty well and I only mandate really important occasions.

I think we do 3 line whips with the important days too

Thank you. It’s actually been reassuring as I am lenient compared to other parents in that I’ll always allow friends round and don’t nag them much about tidiness etc. I thought I’d be told I needed to be stricter. Glad I posted.

Glad I posted. That's good, I love the Teenage Section for this kind of thing

The old fashioned kitchen calendar on the wall is good for this kind of thing. I keep one just for this reason.