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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

How to handle this?

5 replies

Justgivemeasoddingname · 01/02/2019 10:52

Last night dd (11) was doing her homework. Ds (13) who likes to stick his nose in everything and winds up the younger dc lots, went to see what she was doing so dd pulled the (school's) laptop screen down to hide her work, ds pulled it up forceably and the screen has shattered.
Ds often shurks responsibility. Last night he knew he was wrong to interfere the look on his face said it all. I was furious, laptops were distributed at beginning of this term only 4 weeks ago.
I have confiscated his electronics as punishment. I told him he has to pay for the repair and has accepted this. He apologised to dd- after being told to do so. He had a shout last night in his room, kicked a pile of old stuff then claimed he can "never do anything right in this house which is untrue, he's often praised for being so mature and reliable, this is him finding a scapegoat.
Today I am going to a friend's for lunch, Dr and younger dc are coming, ds said yesterday he didn't want to come which is fine. (We are off school today as the heating is not working btw)
I just went up to his room to chat and he's playing his guitar. I sat on the bed next to him and asked how he is, what's he doing today, does he need anythi g from town, does he want breakfast and this was all met with silence. I'll say goodbye and probably be gone 2 hours.
Do I just ride with the silence? How would you punish the situation?

OP posts:
lljkk · 01/02/2019 11:02

My tuppence (and you're right to avoid him taking on role of family scapegoat)

I can't invest myself emotionally. Too exhausting.
He's agreed to pay, he's agreed he did wrong. He knows you're disappointed in him (that hurts a kid too).
Your other child knows that you acted swiftly & expressed your displeasure. If the sibling rivalry is fierce that won't be enough -- but nothing is enough except cruelty, where sibling rivalry is concerned.

Let him sulk & make sure he makes amends. It's enough punishment. It's fashionable nowadays to "Never Forgive" and punish harshly, but that's not realistic in a family. Tomorrow is a fresh start so give him hope that he can do better & he's not stuck in the role of family pariah.

PlainJane007 · 01/02/2019 11:26

I find this book invaluable for what to do/how to respond to various teenage situations. There are common themes and it's reassuring, sensible advice www.amazon.co.uk/Get-Out-Life-bestselling-teenagers/dp/1846680875.

PlainJane007 · 01/02/2019 11:29

But to answer your current dilemma, ime a couple of hours alone often dilutes any residual anger and you may find conversation easier later when feelings are less intense.

mumofthree321 · 01/02/2019 11:38

I've got kids the same age as yours and this is a common scenario - not the laptop incident luckily, but the silence, sitting in room, etc. I always say to the kids we need to learn to control anger and emotions and sometimes having time on our own is the best time to reflect ... but I also remind them it's good to talk and that I love them unconditionally whatever they've done. Hormones are raging! I find they need their space, but putting your head round his bedroom door and reminding him in the grand scheme of things it's no big deal and you love him regardless will strengthen the relationship between you when he decides to come downstairs and mingle with the family again Smile

Justgivemeasoddingname · 01/02/2019 19:55

Thank you all very much. This is all very reassuring.
I was out 4 hours in the end, ds came home ten mins after me with his friends. He's fine. Currently teaching younger ds chords on guitar.
I've been totally normal with him. He's asked for his electronics back and I've told him when he treats the dc's with more respect.
It's just so reassuring to hear all of your advice when dh is working in Spain, so thank you!!

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