Freaking teens

[Vagabond]

Hi, I'm new to the Teen threads on Mumsnet. I'm so shocked by my own experience with my daughter (16, self-harming, low mood, thinks her friends hate her) and from what I've read on this part of mumsnet.

I see a lot of threads about obesity, transgender, children refusing to do things (school, behaviour, violence against parents, depression, self-harm) and I'm at a loss of what to do for my own daughter.

What the hell is going on? What am I doing wrong? What are we all doing wrong? I'm convinced a lot of it has to do with social media. My daughter has her head buried in her phone all the time. But I feel powerless to stop this. I know that sounds pathetic. She's now almost 17.... can I take her phone away? I did it today and you'd think I'd given her a heart attack.

I am at a loss of how to deal with my daughter who has an idyllic life, in a big house with a pool (Australia) and lots of friends. Her new thing is that "my friends don't really like me".... when they tell her all the time how much they love her. I'm at sea.

I'm scared of going old-school kick-ass parenting as my parents would have done. My parents would have confiscated my phone, made me do chores and spend time as a family.

My god, there should be some kind of boot camp for parents and kids ( or mothers and daughters) where they get fit, do some group therapy and sort this shit out.

I'm exhausted by it all. But what's worse.... I have a friend who is 58 and their 35 year old son lives with them because of his depression and anxiety. It is ruining their lives. He is super smart, has 2 degrees, but suffers from depression and has suicidal tendencies, so they let him live at home. He just plays video games all day long.

We, as parents of teens, have to be so careful we are not breeding a new generation of kids who can't live on their own.

I'm at the end of my tether with seeing my beautiful daughter's face in a complete tatter of misery and crying every day.

What can we do?

I wish I knew!

My dd is nearly 15 and the thing that keeps me going is the thought that she'll grow out of all the tedious shit we all suffer most days.

God knows what I'll do if she doesn't

Hi Vagabond, sorry to hear all this, I have a DD nearly 17yr who has some anxiety and friendship issues at the moment so I am tuning into you here.

If she has mentioned problems with friends how much detail does she tell you? I'm sure they don't all hate her but I wonder what is causing this feeling, has anyone been nasty or bullied her or is it just a negative vibe picked up from all the social media stuff? Only a few weeks ago when DD was talking about similar stuff I recommended (!) that she took more breaks from social media and occupied herself with other things. Does your DD listen to reason? Perhaps you need to have a proeper sit down chat maybe not just one that occurs when you/her are rushing about as can often be the case with busy families. Or can another trusted family memeber speak to her re over using her phone?

Re the chores I think you make a good point, she should certainly be helping you with them and obviously that would use up some chunks of her time. Do you have family meals together because as you said family time is very important, perhaps think about what fun things (not necessarily big expensive things!) she likes to do that might tempt her into some family time. Good luck, it's a minefield for sure.