Fine line between hormones and just rude, where it it?

[Slimerecipehell]

My 15yr old dd basically speaks to me like I’m am something she scraped off her shoe. It is now at the point where she is also upsetting her younger siblings and we are all walking on eggshells. I am at breaking point and I don’t know which path to take. If I explain how she makes me feel, she just rolls her eyes and spends more time at her dads because ‘ he doesn’t have a go at her’ if I soak it up I feel like I am being a complete door mat and she knows that. Where’s the line of explains they’re actually being rude and upsetting/their hormones making them do it/losing them to the other parent who is acts like that himself so no support from him? It’s breaking me, I just want my beautiful girl back.

hormones = over reaction, emotions, anger in wrong places, flouncing out of room.

but between hormonal ups and downs they are just kids/people and you can have a normal converation.

rude = sarcasm, lack of basic coutesy, eye rolling, talking to you like you are something she scraped off her shoe.

It is really hard, and with her disappearing to dad's, she has you over a barrell.

I have no real suggestions, just sympathy.

One thing I notice with ds though, is just how hard it is to show him love, and yet I know that he really needs to know that I love him!

Watching with interest! Same here. Ok moments of lucidity, I tell mine that the behaviours are hurtful and that I am a supporter, not the enemy, but sheesh... Also my kids seem to gang up on me. FFS.

Same prime, they are at each other throats until it comes to me, then they form some sort of sibling gang and I’m even more evil.
Steppemum-thank you, yes I kind of think she just needs love and a cuddle but won’t admit it. It’s just the trying to make an argument out of a innocent comment that gets so tiresome, I hold my tongue so much and want to reply what is in my head but I know it would make things 10 times worse

Instead of asking hormones/tantrums perhaps you should be looking at your boundaries and what is a definite no.

I don’t think you should accept less than you would in regards to behaviour whether or not it’s hormones or strops.

I have to say, that I do just stop engaging and say - do not speak to me like that. No, you cannot speak to me like that, I will not listen if you speak to me like that etc etc when ds is being really rude.

But, he knows that if I have said something I mean it and will carry through.
I am also pretty strict about respecting the younger kids. He can be really nasty to dd2, and I tell him clearly that is not allowed. I think that is important for dd1 and dd2 to know that they don't have to put up with abuse

But I do a lot of ignoring and letting things go etc.

last week, when he was angry ds told dh he was talking BS.
Dh and I left the room, and turned the internet off.
It took him 24 hours to apologise to get it back.

We will not be sworn at. I say to him - I have never sworn at you, and I would neer swear at another adult. So I am not going to be sworn at by a child in my own home.

I do say to yonger siblings that they are allowed to say to os that she is being rude. There just seems to be a barrier to what I think it rude and how they turn it around to me being unreasonable! I will persevere with your tactics though,thank you x

I really admire how you see it through. I know I should do this but she just uses the other parent as her go to. I’m kind of thinking it’s s**t anyway so I may as well respond how I should, with the hope she won’t go to her dads and play the sympathy card

yes I have a lot of sympathy with trying to do it where she is playing one of you off against the other, it is hard enough with dh and I on the same page.

funnily enough, after a big row, where we have laid down the law a bit, although he goes off and huffs and stomps, his behaviour improves for a while.

Is her dad happy to have her? Does it cause any problems when she goes there with little notice? When she is rude and threatens to go to her dads maybe tell her to go, and give her a pre written card that says you really love her but you can't live with the behaviour (and list behaviour you'd rather see). You can say you know she's really a lovely girl and you know she isn't the sort of person who naturally behaves like that, and you'd love to have her back when she wants to talk about what's going on that causes it and she's feeling more like herself, and to feel free to call any time if the day or night if she'd like to talk about it, even if she doesn't want to come home yet. She can mull over this while at her dads.

DD is 15 and given to rudeness. We do challenge her behaviour and punish poor behaviour, but she can be a delight at times and I make sure I notice the good stuff and tell her how much it is appreciated.
But the key seems to be drawing a line under the bad behaviour/consequences quite quickly and moving on. I want to carry on being cross but have to take a deep breath and look forwards. I do feel that the most important thing is that we keep talking and having affectionate moments.
DD sometimes seems to feel like a child on an adult woman's body. She is nearly six foot tall, but last night she came and curled up in my lap and I held her and stroked her forehead until she dozed off as if she was a toddler. I could feel the tension ebb out of her. I think she needed a moment of calm, love and familiarity ahead of a stressful week.
Stick with your DD, your lovely child is still in there waiting to emerge as a lovely young woman...but hiding it well for the moment.

YY to any way of saying I love you, just don't like this behaviour. I will always be here for you.
I notice that ds always assumes the worst, so when he was out late and i stayed up, I was staying up 'to gloat' and I had to say, no, just worried and waiting for you to make sure you are safe, because I love you. Then he stomps off in a huff, but the messgae is there.

Perspicacia - that is such a lovely picture of you and your dd. x