Ds 14 being giving us attitude when with his friends.....

[Dickorydockwhatthe]

Every time he's on his phone or with them he speaks to us like crap, he winds up and hits his younger brother causing me to intervene. The other day I had to drag him off him and grab him by the arm and send him downstairs (unfortuately they share a room). He is slagging us all off to his friends on the phone saying how bad we treat him, how he hates us and how he would live some where else if he could.
I've asked him to do things and he won't and his body language is like you can't make me.

The thing is he causes lots of the arguments he will do things like wind his brother up and hit him and lie about it. He then gets mad if we don't believe it. It's almost like he wants to paint us out as the worst parents to his friends 😞

Take the phone off the wee shit. That will stop the lying on the phone to his friends. Give the phone back after a period of time and if you hear it again take the phone away again.

Taking away something he loves will soon stop the behaviour. I would suggest nipping this in the bud today and start by taking the phone away. The wrong comment to the wrong person could start a social services investigation and that is the last thing you want!

Find out what he loves and use it as punishment. It may be hard but, better dealing with it when he's 14 and not 18 and in the future I promise he will thank you for it. I am 24 and this is what my parents did to me and it worked and I hated it but, I behaved!

I am finding he is challenging us and then playing the victim when I try to punish him. He's telling his friend I grabbed him, which I did because he was attacking his brother. Putting us on speaker phone when we are shouting or arguing. He is trying to make us out worse then we are.

I drive him to school every day, pay for his phone drop and pick him up, top his school account up. We have been trying to encourage him to do chores for money to pay for his new fish tank he had for Christmas and he wasn't going to do the dishes for 50p a time. He is lazy and does nothing and expects everything, but still it's not good enough 😞

I find staying calm and avoiding conflict works much better than any shouting and arguing. It tempers are flared walk away until they have calmed down.

If ds(14) doesn't contribute to the house by doing his chores/keeping room tidy-ish, showing respect, studying/doing homework he isn't allowed on x-box or phone is confiscated. Keeping it consistent, calm and always following through means he knows the consequences if HE DECIDES to continue his behaviour. I ignore any sulking/playing the victim by telling him it was his decision.

If he isn't bothered with xbox or phone, I know a friend with older children who used to withdraw being a mum if her ds didn't contribute to being a member of the family or didn't show respect to the rest of the family. She would stop doing laundry, making his meals for him, giving lifts, picking up from school, giving pocket money/paying for phone etc for him until he realised it isn't much fun if everyone doesn't help each other out and he had a part to play in that.

The important bit is not to butt heads arguing, tell them calmly what will happen and they have a choice.

As for giving you attitude when with his friends, ds did that once when he told me to shut up in front of his friends and never did it again.

A stern look and say calmly "you don't ever talk to me like that, I'll talk to you when you get home" and immediately leave is enough to avoid a public argument, shame him in front of his friends and make him think about it until he comes home. Then follow up once he is home.

I wouldn't pay too much attention to him thinking of you as the worst parents ever. I think it's pretty normal for teenagers to feel like that.
I certainly think remaining calm and not rising to the bait is better than arguing.
I'm a big fan of natural consequences so when for example DD refused to put the bins out and they weren't emptied she had to go to the tip with DH and put all the stinky bin bags in the skip.
I would come down hard on him for hitting his brother but equally it is hard sharing a room at that age so maybe try and make sure they both get time in their alone room separate from each other.

Putting you on speaker phone? Tell him off as you would a six year old- he'll not do it twice.

Thank you for your replies and words of advice I will definitely try be trying them!!! Love your thinking Barbarian 😬 I normally ignore him but the tone and sarcastic replies and face pulling is too much some times😞

You mention he puts you on speaker phone when you are shouting and arguing, is there a lot of tension in the house

I went down the route of telling my son I wouldn't accept this sort of behaviour from a boyfriend, they would be dumped. Just because you are my son does not mean you get to speak to me that way and there will be consequences.

Definitely remove his phone and ask him how he is going to get to and from school. Tell him from Monday he needs to sort that out for himself. You will not tolerate this behaviour and so you won't be doing him any favours.

I would also contact his school to let them know his behaviour is appalling and whether this is the same in school. I would arrange the meeting in his ear shot so he can hear that you are not keeping this quiet.

Chores do not earn money in this house, they do them or they don't get to use the internet we pay for, or the xbox etc. My sons do the dishwasher, bins, strip their beds, set and clear the table. It is part of becoming an adult. They will have to do this for themselves in the future in their own homes.

My son is not very nice when he is on a game with a particular friend so he loses that game for a week. I do not like the child and I haven't even met him. He seems determined to drag my son down to his bad mouthed level.