Sex

[Boulevard49]

Hi, i was looking for some advice.

I have a step daughter who lives with her dad (my partner) and myself. She is 18 and recently began her first relationship with her boyfriend. She is desperate for him to stay but both myself and her dad think its too soon as we dont really know him. He has came over a few times and has stayed late but not all night and i have heard them both have sex.

I have spoken with her and told her i dont want to hear it again and to respect that its not her house. I have heard them since. I have had to pretend to her that her dad has heard her as she didnt seem to think it was a big deal i have heard it (as we have a really good relationship and she can come to me about anything). It is now getting me angry cos she is continuing to be disrespectful that i have had to knock her door and tell them to stop.

Her dad and i are now beginning to argue a lot because he says shes 18 and its going to happen...BUT if he was to hear them he would be just as annoyed as me. I have been strict, spoken to her, asked her to stop it and her dad (my partner) thinks i am being too harsh. I cant trust when they are in our house that im not going to feel uncomfortable again...im now showing i feel awkward when he comes round and i sit upstairs out the road. I have said to my step daughter we are arguing because of her behaviour. Its getting me down so much. I honestly dont know why hearing them having sex is bothering me so much. And i have been told that my behaviour is getting too much to deal with because i get anxious and angry about it.

Ive thought to myself if it happens again, i wont confront her there and then but i will when her dad is present and have the conversation infront of him which i know will embarass her but she isnt listening to me. She always listens to her dad and anything he ever says or asks, she does. And ive always had to ask about 7/8 times to do or not to something and im not being listened to.

Please help with any advice. I dont want to fall out with my partner, or my step daughter and i definitely dont want to look like a monster for her boyfriend but i cant deal with this anymore. I have also said to her im happy shes in a relationship and im happy to see her happy, i just dont need to hear it. Her dad wont say anything cos he hasnt heard it and he doesnt want to have this sort of conversation with her...

What do i do?!

First off yes she is being disrespectful by making it obvious. However you sound like you are threatening to use her dad against her and are telling her untruths about him hearing things he hasn’t. Also you are telling her you are having relationship issues because of her??? This is all way out of order and will only bring negative results

Instead sit and chat and explain it’s natural she’s having sex, however would she want to hear her parents acting like this? Play some music. It’s something private that is embarrassing for parents to hear

Try to think about it differently. She’s met someone she likes and she’s happy, safe and in her own home. Sex is completely natural and she’s an adult. Banging on the door and telling them to stop is a bit grim.

It seems that it’s the sound that bothers you? Is it OTT in some way? Can’t you put the TV on or something?

It sounds to me as though you may well ruin your relationships with dp or dsd so I really would tread carefully.

What Justagirlwholovesaboy said. She wouldn't like to hear you and her dad at it.

Obviously it's quite normal to have sex at 18 but you said her relationship only started recently, I hope it doesn't end in tears for her. I also hope that they sometimes go to his house and go out enjoying other things with their friends.

you'll find a way through this.

I hear that it's making you so uncomfortable, and its your home and she wouldn't want to be listening to you and her df making out either!

However, this is his DD, and she's of age.

I would say that they need to keep the noise down, as its not something anyone wants to hear! Maybe they can turn some music up or something?

I wouldn't be happy about having complete strangers in the house, but it seems.from what you say, this guy has been there loads now?

It's yours and you DPs home presumably, so its a joint decision about who stays in your home. It sounds like there wasn't any kind of meeting or talking around this beforehand though.

How is it "not her house"? She's 18 and it's her dad's house. I think that extends to she should feel like it's her own house. You seem really wound up about this if her own father doesn't care.

It is her house, her home, and that is quite upsetting thing to say to her.

I am also complete mystified why she's not mortified at being heard, at the age of 18, or any age, others hearings your intimate goings on is mortifying!

Any teen is mortified at loads of things, so I don't understand why not this of all things?

Thanks guys for your comments. Its quite complicated in a sense. Her dad and i dont have sex unless shes out. She has 2 younger brothers who has woken up because of the bed slamming against their wall.

They seem to do it when we all go to bed and all lights are off...but that doesnt necessarily mean we are sleeping, we could be watching tv, talking etc. But my partner is usually sleeping cos he works really early in the morning so ill wake him up if i put our tv on so i went downstairs and you could hear the bed creaking, shuddering against the walls, and certain noises. Also she isnt closing her door either which isnt helping.

Ive honestly sat with her and spoke to her over and over that its okay and completely natural having sex and im happy she is happy, but she needs to keep the noise down as shes waking siblings up too. She is still very naive.

The only reason i tell her her dad and i argue because of her is because she tells me if i dont want to hear it, then leave the house for half an our or buy myself a set of earphones....so shes created an attitude and has never spoken to me like this. She would never speak to her dad like this. So where im trying to advise her and be there for her, shes making it hard to have some form of civilness between us. And unfortunately her dad doesnt believe she would say things like this.

If you can't beat em...join em. Once they hear you they'll shut up.

I have also realised i said before that "its not her house" when i meant to say its not JUST her house. Sorry. That made me sound a bit awful. We have been a happy family and my 2 step children decided to move in with us a few years ago and we are a strong family. But since shes started this relationship she has been really cheeky, sarcastic towards me. And this is before the sex chat started. She knows her dad isnt comfortable having these kind of conversations with her hence maybe why she continues to do what ive asked her to not do. And thats creating an argument between myself and her dad.

Why don't you suggest she puts some bedclothes and pillows on the floor? Then others in the house are less likely to hear her. A compromise.

She's being completely disrespectful by being unnecessarily noisy! She could easily shove a pillow behind the head board, I'm sure the sex isn't that great for all the noise either!
I don't think it's wrong she's having sex in the house but I think she should be more respectful to others in the house, especially the younger children.
She needs to stop being a selfish little bitch!

She doesn't shut the door when she's having sex?! You what?
She's taking the piss. They can have sex when there's nobody else in the house but when you're all home, and making no effort to be quiet is very disrespectful.

Tiresismymiddlename85, this is my attitude now. And i admittedly have been wound up before about it because i just dont want to hear it and it makes me REALLY uncomfortable.

But because its happening everytime hes round ive lost all patience and trust that its not going to happen again. This is her first sexual partner aswell so i am trying to tread carefully but as i say ive spoken to her and its nkt getting through to her. As i say shes very naive so shell only ever do it if she thought we were away to sleep but because all the lights turn out and we get jammies on doesnt mean were away to sleep. I can sit on my phone playing stupid games for ages before i go to sleep.

Ive thought of going down the route of saying to her her boyfriend isnt to come back round until we say so or they stay downstairs at all times but her dad thinks im too strict that way and could cause issues between us.

It sounds like she's 18 and just discovered the joys of sex!
Seriously though, she's being bad mannered. I'm sure we've mostly all had to have quiet sex, either when we were young or when our own children were young
It's a shame your partner isn't on board because I know that I'd personally continue to bang on a door and tell them to stfu
If you could get him on board I'd tell her that her bf isn't welcome to stay until she can assure you that their behaviour isn't going to impact on the rest of the house

Your other half is being weak by leaving you to manage it. I'm surprised he wants to hear his precious daughter having sex?!!
She's an idiot to think that's the best time to be doing it (Surely when everyone is downstairs and she has her tv on is the best time) although she clearly doesn't care!
Don't worry OP I'd be losing my shit by now!

Next time she's having noisy sex wake her father up and tell him to deal with it.

Move the bed and make sure the door is closed when you go to bed. Get the boyfriend involved too - tell him that you can hear them and that you need at least to have the door shut.

Except her OH isn't being weak by leaving OP to.manage it as he doesn't mind his adult daughter having an adult relationship.

Get her to pull her bed away from the wall. Then you won't hear them.