Self harming

[Florrie67]

Hi, I found out today that my 19 year old daughter has cut herself. She says this was ages ago, I just happened to see the red lines on her legs.
She has recently seen a sympathetic GP and is fairing much better on anti depressants. I thought we had got over the worst, and hoped I had supported her well, but I feel like I have failed her, not noticing this sooner, or in what way as a parent did I drop the ball for this to happen?
To respect her privacy I cannot discuss this within family, so any advice would be welcome, thank you.

Just heard this on Radio 4

www.bbc.co.uk/news/av/uk-46966009/instagram-helped-kill-my-daughter

The invited links to self harm and suicide were disgusting to hear about. Instagram should be held responsible for content or closed forever

Hi Vagabond
Thank you for chatting, I don’t feel so isolated now, though I wish the topic of the chat was happier. I value your insights, and feel more able to cope with what comes. I wish your daughter well and hope the appointment supports you all.
My daughter would not have told me had I not seen the lines, and I didn’t want to question her too much as she was very uncomfortable. There were light scabs, like after a toddler has a grazed knee and it has healed, so I am guessing her “ages ago “ is about two weeks. 😔

Hi Florrie, thanks for your reply. I'm glad I can help in any small way. My DD saw a new psychologist today and it was a really positive experience. We both really liked her and I felt it was really helpful. DD and I went out shopping for art supplies after and she's been drawing all evening and watching youtube as she goes...as far as I'm concerned, as long as it's not Instagram. It's a tough slog though, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and I'm trying really hard to not react to things I would normally react to. The psych told my DD that she is too hard on herself and that she has to work on being kinder to herself...to treat herself as though she was a friend. This kind of resonated with her. The fact that she has been drawing for almost 6 hours now is an indication to me that she's doing something positive. They definitely do not want to talk about their self harm, so I would steer clear and maybe instead ask what builds up frustrations and how to cope with mounting feelings of sadness/pressure/unhappiness. I really wish I knew more. I just feel so helpless.

Dont take it personally at all..
You have not failed her in any way; I was your daughter 11 years ago albeit aged 15, and nowadays i hate the thought of what my mother was thinking or blaming herself for it all..
Not much to recommend, but the facts shes on antidepressants is good, and hopefully they'll level out a bit.
Counselling may be an option worth pursuing

Sazzle27, thanks for your post. I want to ask you so many questions, but I also respect your privacy.

I know why. I understand those feelings.I had those feelings too....I used to bite my tongue (literally), pinch myself, bite my lip. And once, I carved a little sphere in my arm with a shell on the beach because I was sad to be moving from a place where I was happy, and was being moved from by my family moving country, and I wanted to remember it. At the time, I didn't consider it self-harm. I did it as a symbol. Or so I thought.

Please tell us more about how we can help our kids. How you (I hope, my dear) recovered. To be honest, if my daughter continues to self harm, I'm ok with that. I'm petrified by the idea of finding her in her room in the morning, dead. I'm hoping and praying that her self-harm is her coping mechanism and that suicide is the last thing on her mind.

This might sound outrageously self-indulgent, but I will say that being in your early 50's is the worst time life. The worst. You have menopause to deal with (mine has been ruinous, life-changing and awful), teens in crisis, can't get a job after career stall, and your parents are going dollally with dementia. Plus my 81 year old mother is an alcoholic. Yes... at 81. I get drunk phone calls all the time complaining about my dementia suffering dad who is 86. Well, that is my life anyway. I sometimes think I can't cope at all. But I will. I am ok. All I really care about is my DD and making sure that her cuts are a temporary solution.

Sazzle27
Many thanks for your kindness and perspective on what is an emotional and baffling time, I hope all things are good for you on your journey, and value your wisdom x you have given me reassurance x

Hi Vagabond
I totally understand how the self harming is the lesser of the worst imaginable option- since I found out I am nervous if it is too quiet upstairs. I am happy to hearabout your positive day, similarly my girl has bought lots of her favourite make up, which is such good therapy like the art, and yes, treading carefully and gently positive. I had a good email from her college tutor, and the college are supporting invisibly in respect of her, which is essential.
You seem to have so much to cope with, and yes, being 51 I sometimes feel convinced that when I have less responsibilities I could easily become a recluse in afar flung bolt hole with lots of animals , a bit like Doris Day! Believe me, things will clear, and until they do we can chat. You are coping brilliantly, and you are a super positive mum, and it sounds like you are doing great in helping your girl . Thank you so much for sharing x

Hi Florrie, really appreciate your reply. Today was a better day. A mixture of positive and treading on eggshells. We're muddling along. THANK YOU for taking the time to reply. I so appreciate it.

Most of my scars are not visible unless you know where to look, and look hard.
Some disappeared completely.
The turning point for me stopping was when i managed to cut myself deeply, top of my forearm. It didn't bleed for quite a while, and then i realised it was going to be so hard to hide it..and then the implications of what if my family saw hit me.
Ironically, my trying to hide it probably led to it scarring worse than it should have, although they would never have been small scars either.
My mother saw them a couple of months later, and got upset and constantly questioned why and what had she done..

I was "clean" for years after that, about 7, until I was in a toxic friendship where I couldn't deal with the stress or pressure out in me by this "friend". I cut again, but only a couple of times before j was strong enough to walk away from the friendship and put myself first for the first time in ever.
Those were shallow and invisible these days.

I used self harm as a coping mechanism when i could not process emotions or felt overwhelmed. It made me feel calm, in control, and then disgusted with myself.

I've attended counselling this year to continue working on myself, to stop past issues resurfacing.

To the outside world, I had no reason to self harm, and that made me doing it that much worse.

I'm happy to answer any questions, and only have the app so don't think I can access pms on it

I self harmed as a teenager - happy to help if you have any specific questions or want to dm me

Thank you Sazzle and Elephanto. I will have questions for you . It's been a tough week. We live in Australia so it it's hot here now, we should be going to the beach and enjoying the last week of school hols before year 11 starts next week. But.... we cant' because my daughter is too self-conscious about her cuts. To be honest, I understand the relief of self harm. I'm just so worried my daughter will take it further and kill herself. I don't think she will.... but I worry about it all the time. I'm hoping that the self-harm is the relief she needs. I"m thankful that she tells me about it. OH>>> good time for a question: Sazzle and Elephanto....did you tell your mum when you did it? Do you think it's a good sign that my daughter tells me? Oh god....I just wish I could help.

I didn't no, but from experience of a friend's sister cutting and telling her mum, i would say it is a good sign she is open about it with you 👍🏻

Most alarming ! More rigorous vetting required !

In respect of social media content, as per the news headlines today ..

Evening, folks. Sorry to barge into the thread. We just wanted to let you know we've removed a couple of posts here. We're sure they were meant well but they contained a bit too much detail. We know it was posted in the spirit of information sharing but we wouldn't want anyone vulnerable to see something like that we think. Thanks for your understanding.

I didn't tell my mum either. I wish I'd been brave enough to speak to her as I'm sure it would have helped me so I definitely think it's positive that she's talking to you about it

How can I help my teenage son to cope with suicidal thoughts and how can I find hèlp .....

GP who hopefully can point you in the direction/ refer you to a psychologist/ therapist who can help your son understand why he is feeling like this and help him cope with these feelings