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Teenagers

Parenting teenagers has its ups and downs. Get advice from Mumsnetters here.

Original poster

Walking the teen tightrope

22 replies

pastepelican · 16/01/2019 09:58

Not sure if this is the right place for this one... does anyone have any ideas about keep a good family life balance? DD becoming a teen - help!

OP posts:
pippistrelle · 16/01/2019 12:51

Could you be more specific, OP?

pippistrelle · 16/01/2019 12:53

That may have come over as abrupt. Sorry, if so. I just mean what concerns do you have? It's just that issues can vary enormously so highlighting more specific areas will achieve more for you.

puzzledsiena · 16/01/2019 13:58

I was talking more general terms. Prioritising what to do helps but something has to give. How do these super parents do it? They are in the news every day! Super mum has spectacular career and raises 42 children standing on one hand. A bit of an exaggeration but you know the kind of thing. Are there some principles that they know that helps them do all these things? Or is it just tabloid nonsense? They have to have some relaxation time as well as the amazing career and 42 kids? If someone has ideas please share Smile

puzzledsiena · 16/01/2019 15:18

Apologies having a very similar conversation elsewhere ..

O4FS · 16/01/2019 15:24

Those ‘supermums’ don’t exist. They are peddled by the media to make all women feel inadequate.

I have 4 DCs, oldest is 17, youngest 11.
Rule one of parenting any age: choose your battles
Rule one of parenting teens: take nothing personally.

OneStepMoreFun · 16/01/2019 15:30

OP a lovely friend passed on this wisdom to me as DC approached their teens. She said: find something that you all have in common as a family and use it as yoru glue. She got a cockerpoo. The whole family adored the dog and he (the dog) became a central point of connection and agreement between them.
For us it was music. DC love music and for a long time were too young to go to gigs alone or with mates. So we went along with htem. But we also took them to gigs we loved and to a few music festivals. Then gradually that came to include art exhibtions (modern, fun stuff) and theatre. Now we are still connected by love of those things and they will happily hang out with us to do them.
I recommend you find one or two things you really do have in common, ideally something she still needs your help with and hold onto it as the thing you tsill have in common when everything else becomes a point of disagreement.

Original poster
pastepelican · 16/01/2019 16:49

Great advise all. Our DC wants to spend more time with friends and less with us. Probably a sign of the times but finding some kind of interest we can share a love of is a really great idea..

OP posts:
O4FS · 16/01/2019 17:01

Sometimes it feels like all I get is the car journey taking them to and fro, but it’s often where we have our best conversations.

Having children is a constant stream of transitions. Finding a common interest is excellent advice. I take my (older) boys to comedy gigs. But it might be a tv series or something. I take what I can get. Wink

Original poster
pastepelican · 16/01/2019 17:27

How do you make time for yourself though? It sounds selfish but do parents really have to sacrifice all their interests and pastimes (and ambitions, and thoughts) and so on ... How do you justify taking time out for yourself? I get guilt pangs whenever I take time out lately because of family needs. You love them but you also have your own thing?Confused

OP posts:
O4FS · 16/01/2019 18:36

It gets easier as they get older. They spend time in their rooms. A lot of time. No need for babysitters.

I’m a single parent to 4 so probably a bit different but I have noticed I’m spending more time on my own lately. Again, it’s another transition - for me as well.

How old is your DC?

Original poster
pastepelican · 16/01/2019 20:30

04fs - Four children on your own! How do you have time for anything else?! Mine is 12 so lots of new interests developing with new school etc.

OP posts:
O4FS · 16/01/2019 22:42

The older ones can look after themselves and the youngest, although I have ferrying to and from hobbies to do most evenings. Once you don’t have to organise a sitter things open up.

Original poster
pastepelican · 18/01/2019 13:25

Does anyone have any advise about how to best frame a typical teenager's week? My DC needs to do a little school type stuff daily (say 30 minutes of reading or sums or mix of both etc) Monday to Friday plus a little on the weekends, even if she protests! Am I being too hard to make her do this? She needs the extra work to be able to hold her own in her classes. How much time should she be spending on other things like sports or other pursuits etc? Finding it difficult to get the proportions right. Any rules of thumb or principles I can keep in mind to keep her (and us) on an even keel would be great. I'm aware we are heading into the winds of change as she becomes a teenager, so if you've been through it already and come out the other end intact, I would love to know what you think Smile

OP posts:
O4FS · 18/01/2019 17:37

I’m probably not best to answer this because I’m quite hands off with my teens and their routine. I check the homework app regularly, but I expect them to get on with it. The school gives a warning and then a detention.
WRT activities, mine do a lot (dance, football, music) but love what they do - and it’s really important IMHO when they get to 14/15 that they are doing something. It’s lead by them so there’s no complaining - I just facilitate it.
Sorry if that’s not very helpful, but they do seem to work it out for themselves.

Original poster
pastepelican · 18/01/2019 17:52

04FS thanks, it is helpful Smile. It's a difficult one. Trying to strike a good balance for our DC between school and home stuff, but what's the right mix?

OP posts:
pasanda · 18/01/2019 17:52

I agree it's important they have 'something ' when they're 14/15

My dd has 'nothing' and I hate the fact all she does is school and be in room.

Unless of course she's shopping!

pasanda · 18/01/2019 17:53

OP I don't think your homework routine sounds hard at all. I wish mine were willing to do that!

Original poster
pastepelican · 18/01/2019 18:05

Pasanda thanks .. I think tbh if we left ours to her own devices she'd retreat to her bedroom as well. She will probably take up an outside thing with a bit of a push but I don't want her to end up doing too much and then tip over the homework stuff. The mix for one won't be the right mix for another though. Probably no one size fits all...Confused

OP posts:
O4FS · 18/01/2019 19:21

You are right OP, no one size fits all. They need to be self-driven to some degree, and if not, it’s bloody hard to motivate teens IME.

I have one who spends hours and hours a week off doing a hobby - 5 days a week. She gets her homework done to a really good standard. I have one who does bugger all. He’s very capable but admits he lacks motivation. He has a hobby which he has grown to love (at 17) and it seems to be driving him now. But it was an uphill struggle during GCSE revision.

Bowchicawowow · 18/01/2019 19:23

Make sure they have a access to plenty of healthy food and try to make sure they get enough sleep and then cross your fingers and hope for the best.

Original poster
pastepelican · 19/01/2019 11:11

Bowchicawowow .. Good advise. She's got a fairly ok sleep routine and she's eating ok, but yes healthy food and sleep is important agree

04fs - As you say they're all different. I think I'll look for a mind reading course Grin

OP posts:
shadypines · 25/01/2019 19:46

Passanda try not to worry, I had nothing, parents had no money but I found my own entertainment and I turned out fine. If they want an interest they'll usually find it themselves, though it does no harm to suggest.

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