Teenager- Bone idle beyond belief

[paulfoel]

Not helped by fact that hes recently been diagnosed with Aspergers...

Hes a bright kid but, honestly, if Bone Idleness was in the Olympics he'd win a Gold medal every time!

Hes 15 so starting to do serious work in school leading up to GCSEs. But he just cannot be bothered. Forgets to do homework, refuses to revise for exams. Does not seem in the least bit interested.

He was in set 1 but was dropped to set 2 due to his laziness. Not bothered at all - just shrugs his shoulders.

He just does not seem to comprehend that lack of effort will mean failing exams and not doing what he wants in life.

Any tips? Obviously at his age I cant force him to make an effort, hes got to decide on his own.

What does he want to do in life?

Do his school impose sanctions if he doesn't do homework?

Is he paying attention in class?

Is he lazy in other ways (such as chores), or is it just school stuff?

Is he at all competitive?

Sorry, I'm all questions, no answers. I'm just wondering about exploiting peer pressure, as that's what does the trick with my lazy daughter. That, and fancy stationery.

What does he do instead?

Hi Pip,

In answer:-

What does he want to do in life?

Be a youtube blogger or professional gamer. Yeh right!

Do his school impose sanctions if he doesn't do homework?

Not really. They are useless.

Is he paying attention in class?

They keep saying at parents evening hes a nice kid who needs a rocket up his backside.

Is he lazy in other ways (such as chores), or is it just school stuff?

Unebelievably so. Its all about rushing as fast as he can to get back on his PC.

Is he at all competitive?

Not at all unless its computer games.

Sorry, I'm all questions, no answers. I'm just wondering about exploiting peer pressure, as that's what does the trick with my lazy daughter. That, and fancy stationery.

Not sure if his friends are the same.....

Does he have a set time where he has to be off screens?

Admittedly Ds is younger at nearly 14 but I do make him stick to 1 hour screen time on the week nights

Mine is the same.
However it’s not the be all and end all. IMHO.
Maths and English will have to be taken again at a later date so he will get them eventually.
There are lots of options out there for when they finish school.

I keep on at mine, pushing and encouraging and nagging. I’m not overly worried though.
I refuse to be stressed and to have major fall outs with him.
There’s nothing that important at this point.

I think Marsha has a good point, but I think I'd turn it the other way around, and say he has an hour each night during which he must do homework or revise. Xbox (or any other means of entertainment) not available in that time. You can't force him to do academic stuff but you can make it as boring as possible so that he might as well!

Talk to him about keeping his options open too and remind him that good academic results will do that for him.

On the other hand, don't worry too much about it. Is he doing his GCSEs this year of next? If it's next, then he has plenty of time.

Thats just it - hes on the pc from time he comes home from school until 930pm. Too much.

GCSES next year. Pippi - the limiting thing might be an idea. Talking to him and explaining goes in one year and out the other.

crosser - hmm not sure I agree there. Its a hard world out there, if you want to do what you want then you have to make the effort. Like I saif hes a clever kid, I dont want him to end up working in Mcds because hes lazy.

I was different when I was a kid. My parents didn't have much - Dad worked in a factory. I did make an effort (went to college etc). Thats part of the problem I think - hes got everything he wants and thinks life is easy.

If he is a bright kid he will get where he needs to be eventually, with coaxing and encouragement.
I don’t agree with the whole gaming malarkey till all hours, that’s a no no in our house.

I was speaking with a colleague recently as I was at the end of my tether with my boy and his cba attitude and laziness. She lost her only son when her house burned down with him in it. She had the clothes that she was standing up in, that’s it, her world was gone that day.
Her son was just 18. She had the same battles, arguments and frustrations with her boy that both you and i are talking about today.
She said that she wishes that she hadn’t wasted a second on it. Her boy had just got his dream job, had worked his ass off as soon as he left school.. with no qualifications.
This was last year.
It stopped me in my tracks, right there.
She said that they do get there, whether we rant and rave about to them, they do get there.
It kinda made the fog clear a little bit for me.

Take the plug off the PC. He can do that when school work is on.

crosser - I see what you're saying. Very sad. But dream job with no qualifications must be pretty rare surely? For every 1 in a dream job there must be 500 on the dole.....

Brightness can only get you so far though. There are LOTS of bright kids out there. I went to school in a crappy area, single parent etc. I was bright and tried a bit. Not hard to look like a genius in that school! Different story when I went to college where there were tons of bright kids and I found out I wasnt bright at all and had to work very hard.

Being from an area of high unemployment (S Wales valleys) its only the hard workers who get decent jobs. The rest are on the dole unfortunately.

No, he got his qualifications after leaving school, he was far more engaged and focused after leaving school.
Dream job wasn’t some high flying fantastic earner, but it paid him a good wage and he loved it.
He was only there for a couple of months when he died, but it was a stepping stone to loads of other things.

crosser - thats so sad. Sounds like he got himself sorted.

I've got a nephew the same. Hes 25 now. Didn't bother in school. Didn't bother after school. Never had a job, never bothered. Sits at home in his bedroom all day doing nothing. No friends, no GF, no future.

Personally I'd have kicked him out of the house by now.... ( I left home at 18 never to return)

Does he want to keep resitting exams?
Ask him.
Ask him to imagine opening his envelope in results day and what he’d like to see in that envelope. Hopefully he’ll say he wants to see passes.
Ask him what he thinks will help him to get good GCSEs and how you can help.
See if he can come up with a plan.
I drop my ds off at the library a few times a week so he can focus on studying without any distractions.

Paulfoel my friends nephew was exactly the same. He’s 23 now and just sits at home on his Xbox with no decent grades and no motivation to go and do anything.
It’s put my friend off ever getting a games console for her own dcs.

Its all about rushing as fast as he can to get back on his PC.

There’s your carrot.

He now needs to earn his gaming/screen time by completing homework (neatly and correctly)

I was only allowed on screens 8-9pm on week nights at that age, even if I'd alledgelly done all my homework.

Yes homework first it’s the only way you’ll stop him obsessing about games

They keep saying at parents evening hes a nice kid who needs a rocket up his backside.

So the school haven't really taken on board the fact that he has an ASC. The school need a rocket up their backside.

A lot of avoidance has to do with anxiety. Threatening him with exam failure and the long-term future - which he can't really imagine - is only going to make things worse. Even the idea of college may be unimaginable, alien and terrifying. What makes t computer gaming so attractive to many people with ASCs is that they are constrained and predictable as well as rewarding.

So focus on finding structures that will help him do things in the here and now. Timetables. Routines. Teeny bits of work to get him started. Help him break things up into small chunks and get him to do them a bit at a time. At your DS's age I would at times sit the room with my DS while he did his homework, not helping him, but quietly getting on with my knitting. I asked DS if he wanted to be nagged to do homework (he did). I concentrated on asking him what needed to be done that evening, looking at his homework book with him, reminding him to do it and most especially reassuring him at the same time. Using the computer as a reward and getting some work done first is a good idea, but don't make the the demands too challenging. Make it easy for him to earn the reward. You can raise the bar later.

Read up on Pathological Demand Avoidance and more especially on strategies for dealing with it. That may not be his specific diagnosis but demand avoidance is often very much part of what is going on with people who have Asperger's. He may also have memory and concentration issues, which are separate from his intelligence.

There is no magic about having a diagnosis. Your DS needs support. From you, and from the school.

Kleinzeit - yes know all this. Its been a long battle to get diagnosis to be honest and school are still pretty useless.

We do try to take these things into account but its hard going to be honest. Sometimes its difficult to see where the ASD starts and bad teenage behaviour starts.

Sigh yes, it is hard. My experience was that it didn't really matter whether it was teen behaviour or ASC - my DS had been acting like an awkward teenager from a young age so I just carried on.

I found that little, low-pressure things worked best. Like pipistrelle's suggestion of an hour with no distractions before he gets on the Xbox - unless he's the type to spend the whole hour just grieving for the Xbox. But maybe if the hour off becomes part of his routine he'll start using the time better. These days my DS actually works quite well when plugged in to four different devices watching Youtube channels etc, though he's not actively gaming. (DS was older when he started that though)

Good luck.

Cheers Klein,
Know what you mean. Tried that hour before idea - nah he just doesnt bother.

Hes had exams this week and done NOTHING at all. We tried to nicely get him to do a little revision but his attitude seems to be "why am I being punished by being made to revise?"

But I guess as is common with ASC, he can't see the big picture that ultimately its for his own future.

He hard work. Its difficult to see where lazy teenager stops and asd starts if I'm honest.

Things he does:-

1. Hides dishes on top of his cupboard in his bedroom rather than take plate downstairs - we found one with about 6 months old food on it.

1. Ironed clothes we ask him to put away get stuff in cupboard.

1. Any task you ask him to do - he will do the quickest and easiest with no regards for anything. Ask him to put something in the shed - he will open the door, throw it in.

1. He breaks things. Accidentally - fair enough. But he won't bother telling anyone because it takes too long. Know full well hes broken somthing but then he'll deny it.

I can't comment on AS. I know about lazy & games testing ambitions in teen boys, though. 14yo (lazy, work-refusnik) DS had a notion to be a computer games tester.

Luckily I have an old friend who is a games producer. So she we had dinner together with DS & she bluntly talked about who made the most money in her company (the programmers, who didn't even have or need Uni degrees). Only teenage boys were testers b/c once you played the game thru a few times it's a tedious and dull job to continue. DS is now 19yo & doing something completely different (and not half as lazy as he used to be).

Yeh my sons got all sorts of ideas of how he wants to work in the computer industry.

I've worked in IT for over 30 years (and have a degree). Currently, work as an independent IT consultant.

Don't need a degree? hmm. Not so sure about that. Its difficult to get a foot in the door without one I'd say. Either way it does need a bit of effort which, alas, is not there.

Not his fault maybe due to his issues which is sad. Hes certainly got the potential there. Like I said, dunno sometimes.

Programmers for Gaming industry in USA might follow different rules, PF. Friend (the producer) has several university degrees & knows that makes her a strange oddity in her industry (as well as being female nearly 50yo).

There are always lots of threads on MN about teens who don't work as hard as parents want them to.