Is this normal teen stuff? Procrastination

[Jess74]

I have a 13 year old dd (Yr 8) so new to the world of teens. She is generally pretty good apart from the fact she is constantly procrastinating. That applies to homework and at home. Her grades have dropped a bit as she's just not doing enough. When I try and talk to her about it she says she feels 'mentally worn down', 'panic' and very down. Most of the time she's fine but definitely has a tendancy to overthink and dramatise. For example, her hamster died a few months ago and she wouldn't let me remove the cage for months and kept sobbing over it . I just took it out in the end and she was way better afterwards.

She also says she finds school stressful and the environment overwhelming and noisy. I'm not good at this stuff as we're very different and I'm just not as sensitive or emotional as her. She hasn't started her period yet so I wonder if it's due soon and that may be part of it.

Last night was a classic example of what she's like. All weekend I knew she had homework due this week and tried to get her to do it but she refused and kept telling me it wasn't due until Thursday. Last night she starts walking around with a face and eventually at 7pm admitted the homework was due in today and she hadn't done it, so I then sat with her until 8 getting it done. I very much left it to her but just talked through the main points. She had to read a 4 page article so I suggested we read it out loud a paragraph at a time each to make it easier. She read her bit like she was back in year 4, claiming she had a migraine and making stupid, sloppy mistakes on the piece of work. I held my tongue as there's no way it's as good as she can do but I think she needs to learn that for herself. I'm happy to assist her, but I'm not doing the work for her and neither am I going to make her redo it when it's a load of shite as I think she'll learn more from feedback from the teacher. She magically recovered as soon as the work was done.

Then she was very tearful before bed and said she just hated homework as home is for relaxing. And told me she often feels panic when she can't do something at school, finds the environment overwhelming etc. She's very fussy about friends and only likes small groups and is always calling herself an introvert and how she doesn't like this, that or the other. Does this all sound like normal teen angst to you? As I say, I'm really not great at this stuff so I want to help, but I sometimes feel she's being manipulative as she'll whinge for Britain before and during homework and then be fine afterwards.

She doesn't have a set timetable for homework but I'm thinking of having one for 4 days a week with 3 days off. Sometimes she gets more from school so she'll have to be flexible but that would be enough for most weeks.

Does she want another pet assuming you've not got one already? Won't solve everything but could comfort her.

Thank you all. Is it possible this is an attention thing? We have a younger child with SEN who takes quite a bit of time. We try to not talk about it in front of the children but I know she has felt it over the last few months as there are a few large issues we have had to deal with. Today was an important appointment for my youngest child and also happens to be the day she has a big wobble. DH thinks it's all for attention. I think it can't just be that. We give her attention as much as we can and spend loads of time with her. I'm baffled.

@PenguinPandas. Yes she would love another pet, but she wants a dog which we really don't. Or a lizard. anything else will probably be seen as not up to scratch and I'm hesitant to have anything with a short life span.

I have thought about changing schools. She's at a girls school and wanted to be in a mixed school. That's bit easy where we live. DH thinks the problem is with her. Eg, yesterday she was late joining her friends for lunch and then asked one of the girls if anyone had noticed she wasn't there and the girl said no. Why on earth would you ask that?!? It's like she's looking for issues.

DDs old school was all girls and she's happier in the mixed but think that's mainly down to grammar being all work, 2 hours homework per night after a 30 min longer school day than normal, no local girls to meet up with.

My DD has a younger brother with SEN and she does get jealous of attention he gets but also sometimes we get so absorbed in solving his issues at school she gets overlooked and think it was her way of asking for help. It is for attention but because she needed attention to get better, its like a cry for help and think your DD will be the same.

My DD wants a St Bernard or White Mountain dog, exactly what we need She's now trying to get a degu, may agree to that but already have cat.

My DD also asks questions like that and I do point out to her that those questions are looking for drama. Though one of her friends did an online survey of should I kill myself so could be worse. School maybe able to advise on sensible friends, my DD is addicted to drama but copies others so sensible friends make her more sensible.

To me it sounds like normal teenage angst, but as experienced by a teenager who is highly sensitive and anxious by temperament.

Having a sibling going through issues can be a big source anxiety, so it is not surprising it might trigger a wobble at a key moment. Most likely she is feeling worried and stressed by the situation and is looking for some kind of reassurance.

It also sounds like she is quite anxious about her position within her group of friends, which is why she's seeing problems that aren't really there. Or indeed, if she is being quite needy then some of the friends may be getting fed up with her, so she may have got herself stuck into a little bit of a vicious cycle with them.

My guess is that she just needs help learning some strategies to cope with her anxiety. It may be that it is in her nature to be anxious and it is something she will always have to deal with, but with the right guidance now she can learn positive ways of coping, rather than going down the path of self-harm.

The other posters have made good points, but also, I like your timetable idea with 4 days on, 3 days off. I think that might help her anxiety and make her feel a bit more in control and is an easy thing to try out.

Penguin makes a good point about 'doing it for attention' - I think the phrase can so often be used negatively when actually it is quite a normal human response when we need help, particularly from teens who might struggle to express themselves. It's all too easy to dismiss it as teenage drama now that we're adults, but it can be even more damaging to do that it if they're needing help. Does your DH know the extent of it, ie the self harming?

It might not be an easy road, but it doesn't sound like your DD's issues are insurmountable with your continued support, some counselling and support from school.

Most people are procrastinators. I learnt that at university. A lot of work places function on principle that nothing will happen until last minute so the work that needs doing is never announced or requested except with very short deadlines. My 14yo is a procrastinator who doesn't face up to emotions well and finds it uncomfortable (tedious) to do homework.

17yo is a planner & doesn't procrastinate on school work. But she can get easily distracted and over-emotional trying to figure out the 'right' decision in other areas of life. That overwhelms her until it looks like procrastination.